In this comedic sexually-explicit romp throughout the ancient world, you play as Mentula Macanus, an ancestor of the famous Stiffy Makane. After Jupiter Virilis blesses your most personal member, the Divine Eris bids you find the Golden Banana of Discord and return it to her on Mount Olympus. Expect both highbrow and lowbrow humor.
This solution is by David Welbourn, and is based on Release 1, Serial number 110329 of the game.
SPOILERS AHEAD. Reading a walkthrough prematurely can sometimes diminish one's enjoyment of an interactive fiction game. Please make an honest effort to play the game before reading this walkthrough.
If you're in this section of the game at all, you've already lost the game.
If you're lost in the forest, you can try to go east or down to return to the valley, or north to return to the end of the road. Half the time, it won't work because you're in the wrong half of the forest and you can switch sides without realizing it. While it is possible to tell which half of the forest you're in, it's really not worth the effort.
Map 12: Mantua
Map 13: Macedonia and Olympus
Map 14: Eternal Life
Walkthrough
The game begins with a random dedication, followed by a prologue that is also a flashforward.
Battlement
You really don't want to stay here too long and get killed in this scene of foreshadowing.
> ref 1.
> x Gostak. ref 2. ref 3. ref 4.
> x mace.
> i.(toga and banana)
> remove toga. x penis.
> jump.
Lake
> x banana. x lake. x toga. pray.
> z.(You are yanked underwater.)
>> SPACE
The game's header is displayed. The prologue flashforward is over.
Forum
> ref 5.
> x me. fn 1. ref 6.
> i. x toga. x people.
> n.
Curia Steps
> x Julius. x friends.
> remove toga. stab Caesar.(+1; you get a coin)
> wear toga. x coin.(an aureus)
> n.
Curia Interior
> fn 2. x bag. take it.
> s. s. w.
Temple of Jupiter Virilis
> x statue.("Sparky")fn 3. ref 7.
> climb statue.(no: too much even for you)
> w.
Phallus Interior
> x altar. x spheres. x Julia. x nose.
> ask Julia about herself.
> ask her about ritual. ref 8.
> ask her about priest.
> e. e. e. n. n.
Seedy Tavern
> x priest. x wine. x table. x bench.
> ask priest about wine.
> ask priest about himself.
> ask priest about Julia.
> ask priest about Syra.(has olive complexion, etc)
> s. e.
Artist's Hut
> x sign. x artist. fn 4. x easel.
> give bag to artist.
> give coin to artist.(He paints a woman's face and a man's face on opposite sides of the bag and hands it back.)
> i. x mask.
> w. n.
Seedy Tavern
> give mask to priest.(He takes it and goes.)
> s. s. w. w. w.
Phallus Interior
> x Julia.(available to others now)
> remove toga. screw Julia.(+1)
> screw nose.(not that way!)
> suck nose.(not today)
> blow nose.(Jupiter blesses you with a glowing cock.)
> ref 9. x penis.(It's glowing blue.)
> wear toga.
> e. e. s. s.
Altar of Eris
> x apple. ref 10. ref 11.
> x opening. remove toga.
> screw apple.(+1. Eris gives you a quest to find the stolen Golden Banana of Discord and return it to Her in Olympus. You return to your home in Ostia.)
>> SPACE
Stiffy Love Nest
> x carpet. x nightstand. x lamp.
> x bed. look under bed.(no)
> x quotations. g. g.
Some quotations have references. Since I can no longer be sure what the current reference numbers are, I'm going to have to vague about them from this point on.
> ref #.(Check them all for the quotations you saw.)
> take lamp.(no)
> remove toga.
> put oil on cock.(This doesn't score.)
> stand. wear toga. e.
Atrium
> x impluvium. look in it.(has water)
> x arcades.
> e.(no, locked)
> s.
Ostia
> e.(You freshen up and get a clean toga.)
> w.
Dockside
> x ship. fn 5.
> w.(Bruno, the captain, refuses you unless you're wearing your father's signet ring.)
> e. n. n.
Tablinum
> x Cocky.(your father)fn 6.
> x ledger. x murals. x mosaic. x chair.
> x table. x chest. x cabinet.
> ask father about himself.
> ask him about mother.
> ask him about Clodia.
> ask him about ledger.
> ask him about ship.
> ask him about Eris.
> ask him about Jupiter.
> ask him about ring.
> remove toga.
When he sees your glowing penis, Cocky listens to your story about Jupiter's blessing and Eris's quest. He suggests asking the Cumean Sybil or visiting the Library of Alexandria for more info about the Banana.)
> fn 7.
> ask him about ship.
> ask him about ring.(Get it from Festus.)
> ask him about Festus.
> ask him about money.("Earn your own.")
> n.
Peristyle
> x Festus.(your slave)
> ask Festus about privy.
> ask him about ring.(in sewers now)
> ask him about himself.
> ask him about father.
I assume your toga is still off.
> screw Festus.(+1)ref #.
> w.(no: pointless without a party)
> e.(no: not meal time)
> x privy.
The stink that Festus left in there ought to be lessened enough now.
> n.
Privy
> x seat. d.
Beneath the Privy
A sewer rat grabs something gold and runs east.
> x drain. e.
Somewhere Under Ostia (at north-to-west bend)
The rat runs north.
> n.
Somewhere Under Ostia (at "T")
A giant toad swallows the rat and hops west.
> w.
Somewhere Under Ostia (thousands of toads)
The giant toad hops west.
> x toads. w.
Somewhere Under Ostia (circular)
The toad tells you that its master requests you visit him regarding the ring. It spits out an iron key before diving down the drain.
> take key. x it. x drain.
> e.
Somewhere Under Ostia (thousands of toads)
> ask toads about toad. ref #. fn 8.
> e. e.
Somewhere Under Ostia (steps down to south)
> x grate. x sewage. x steps.
> s. s.
Somewhere Under Ostia (hot)
> x ceiling. w. w. w. w.
Mouth of the Sewer
> e. n.(auto-unlocking the grate with the iron key)
House of Glub
> ref #. x Glub. ref #. x ring.
> ask Glub about ring.(He wants an invitation to Fatty Norbanus's party.)
> fn 9.
> ask Glub about Fatty.(He's often at the baths.)
> ask Glub about toad.("Old Pierre")
> s. w. wear toga. u. e.
Ostia
> e.(+1)
> x token.
> w. d.
Mouth of the Sewer
> remove toga. e. n.
House of Glub
> give token to Glub.(He gives the ring.)
> wear ring. s. w.
Mouth of the Sewer
> wear toga. u. e.
Ostia
> e.(You are clean once more.)
> w.
Dockside
> w.(Bruno bows slightly to you as you board the ship.)
Poop Deck
> x Palinurus.(helmsman)
> ask Palinurus about himself.
> ask him about ship.(knows places to sail to)
> ask him about places.(Ostia, Carthage, Syracuse, Cumae, Jaffa, Alexandria, and Thessalonica)
> ask him about Alexandria.(The ship sails there.)
> out.
Alexandrine Wharf
> x lighthouse. x museum.
> e. e.
Museum Antechamber
> x bouncer. x cudgel. x tunic. x sandals.
> ask bouncer about library.(bring him something to advance the Museum's scholarship)
> ask bouncer about item.(fond of monotheistic objects)
> w. s. s.
Lake Harbor
> x craft. x hotel. e.
Hotel Metropole
If you try to go up or south, you enter a random room that you can't or won't stay in.
> x palms. x stairwell. x clerk. x zits. x counter.
> x ledger. g. g.(You read random entries.)
> ask clerk about hotel.
> ask clerk about Cleopatra.
> w. n. e.
Gate of the Sun
> x gate. x bridge.
> w. w. s.
The Temple of Serapis
> x statue. x basket. x dog. x worshippers.
> n. w. n. n. e.
Top of the Pharos
> x merchant.("Mister Eugenides, from Smyrna")
> ask him about himself.("Visit me in my hotel?")
> ask him about currants.("earn them")
> ask him about hotel.("Kiss me!")
> kiss him.
> w. s. s. e. e. s. e.
Hotel Metropole
> x ledger.("Mr. Eugenides, Smyrna - Room 14")
> u.
Eugenidean Boudoir
> x bed. x Mr.
> remove toga. screw Mr.(+1; got currants)
Hotel Metropole
> x currants.
> w. n. n. n.
Great Harbor
> x guard. x spear. x guardhouse.
> ask guard about palace.
> give currants to guard.(bribed)
> e.
Cleopatra's Palace
> x columns. x mausoleum. x silks.
> e.
Soma Mausoleum
> x sarcophagus. w. n.
Cleopatra's Throne Room
> x Cleo. x eyes.
> x gown. x cleavage. x bracelet.
> x throne. x dais. x curtain.
> ask Cleo about Alexander.
> ask her about library.
> ask her about Banana.(Alexander may have known.)
> ask her about sex.("Try me")
> kiss her.(She moves to the bedroom.)
> e.
Cleopatra's Boudoir
> x cleavage. x pussy.
> x bed. x pearls. smell.
> remove toga. kiss her.(+1; "If you see Gaius, give him that from me.")
You both redress and return to the throne room.
Cleopatra's Throne Room
Cleo says to ask her about his tomb and she'll get someone to open it for you.
> ask Cleo about tomb. fn 10.
A Nubian eunuch opens the tomb.
> s. e.
Soma Mausoleum
> x corpse. x hole.
> remove toga. screw hole.(+1, papercut!)
> take papyrus. x it.(right half of a page)
> x cock. ref #. wear toga.
> w. w. s. w. w.
Poop Deck
> ask Pal about Cumae.(You sail there.)
> out.
Cumae
> x cave. e.
Cocceio's Cave
> fn 11. x torches. e.
Lake Avernus
> x lake. x pit. x grotto.
> d.(no)ref #.
> s.
Sybilline Grotto
> x Sybil. ref #. ref #. x bottle.
> ask Sybil about Banana.("To seize the Golden Banana is a mighty deed, but the Son of Aeneas must look to the Son of Abraham to release it from its sheath.")
In other words, you need a Jew to peel the Banana.
> ask Sybil about Sybil. ref #. ref #.
> n. w. w. w.
Poop Deck
> ask Pal about Jaffa.(You sail to Judaea.)
> out. e.
Jerusalem
> x gate. x temple. x alley. x store.
> s.
Zach's Mohelerie
> x certificates. x testimonials.
> x block. x Zach. x knife.
> ask Zach about Zach.
> ask Zach about block.(wants something to cut)
> n. e.
Temple Courtyard
> x sign.("no dogs or Gentiles in the temple on pain of death")
> x table. x scales. x moneychanger.
> ask him about temple.
> ask him about money.(He changes foreign coins into shekels.)
> w. n.
Alley
Nothing here.
> s.(You're conked and come to in...)
Judaean Brothel
> take coin. x Rachel.
> remove toga. screw her.(+1)
Afterwards, Rachel sleeps.
> fn 12. search Rachel. x pendant. take it. wear it.
> wear toga. x coin.
> n. e.
Temple Courtyard
> give coin to moneychanger.(You get a five-shekel coin.)
> x coin. w. w. s.
Jonah's Museum
> x whale. x dummy. x robe.
> x map.(shows Nineveh and Tarshish)
> w.
Fake Whale Interior
> x fish. smell. e. s.
Gift Shop
> x proprietor.
> x disguise.(Jonah costume for ten shekels)
> buy disguise. ref #. take disguise.
> x beard. x tallis.
CAUTION: The disguise isn't good enough to enter the temple in Jerusalem.
> n. n. w.
Poop Deck
> ask Pal about Carthage.(A storm forces you to Syracuse instead.)
> out.
Syracuse
> x building. n.
Polyphemus Brothel
> x rug. x Archie. x jockstrap. x wall.
> remove toga. screw Archie.(+1; the weather is now clear, and Archie has left.)
> take rug.(no)ref #.
> wear toga. s. e.
Poop Deck
> ask Pal about Carthage.(You sail there. Also, you may have a VD.)
> out.
Carthage Docks
> ref #. fn 13.
> n.
Harbor Ruins
> x ruins. n.
Agora
> x tent.("Madame Sosostris")
> x kilns.
> x gates. x skull. x raven.
> x vulture. x worm. x crab.
> n.(locked)
> e.(Before you enter, a handsome sailor staggers out and says something weird about sexy Phlebas the Phoenician and a pumpkin.)
> e.
Fortune-teller's Tent
> x table. x cards. x ball. x Madame.
> ask her about me. ref #.
> ask her about banana.("fear death by water" was your fortune)
> ask her about cards.(You get one fortune and one secret.)
> ask her about secret.("The [something] holds power over life and death." Remember which thing it is.)
> w. s. s. w.
Industrial Wasteland
> x sign. fn 14.
> s.
Clinic
> x table. x doctor. remove toga.
> x penis. x pus.
> ask doctor about pus.
> get on table. show penis to doctor.
The doctor says he needs a hand-shaped skunk-smelly weed from the necropolis to treat your discharge.
> stand. wear toga.
> n. e. n. n.
Agora
CAUTION: The symbol to push is randomized. To learn the correct symbol, ask the fortune-teller about the secret.
> push SYMBOL.(The gate opens.)
> n.
Necropolis
> x graves. search graves. smell weed.(skunky)
> take weed.
> s. s. s. w. s.
Clinic
> give weed to doctor.
> remove toga. get on table.
> show penis.
The doctor smokes the weed and smacks your penis with a mallet. You wake up later in...
Industrial Wasteland
> fn 15. remove toga. x penis.(no pus!)
You're not quite done with the doctor, though.
> s.
Clinic
> ask doc about himself.("Doctor Nick")
> get on table.
> show penis to doc.(+1)
> stand. kiss doc. wear toga.
> n. e. e.
Poop Deck
> ask Pal about Alexandria.
> out. e. e.
Museum Antechamber
> show mezuzah to bouncer.(accepted)
> e.
Great Library
> fn 16. x scrolls. x slaves. x scholars.
> n. e. s.
> x tables. x counter. x librarian.
> ask her about Banana.(A fragment is fetched and given.)
> i. x ragged.(It's the left half of a page.)
> put ragged on jagged.
> i(You now have a stained piece of papyrus.)
> x papyrus.
> show papyrus to her.(A clean copy is made. You don't get to keep the original.)
> w. w. w. w.
Poop Deck
> ask Pal about Jaffa. out. s. w.
Fake Whale Interior
> pray.(Yahweh says to have no other gods and to get circumcised.)
> wear beard. wear tallis.
> pray.(Yahweh thinks you're Jonah and orders you to Nineveh.)
> e. s.
Gift Shop
> ask proprietor about Jonah.(He's already told you that ignoring Jehovah's wishes is a good way to get eaten by a whale.)
So... uh... let's get eaten by a whale! Keep the disguise on and try to sail anywhere but Nineveh.
> n. n. w.
Poop Deck
While disguised as Jonah:
> ask Pal about Alexandria.(A whale swallows you!)
Darkness / Whale Interior
CAUTION: You can be eaten by a grue in here!
> ref #. remove toga.
> remove beard. remove tallis.
Eris's voice tells you to wait for help.
> z.(Something grabs the whale.)
> z.(Continue waiting until Eris tells you that a blue hippo is your ride; hop in the mouth to go.)
> z.(Continue waiting until a claw removes most of the whale and you tumble down a mountain to...)
Hidden Valley
Every other turn the hippo yawns. You can enter the hippo when its mouth is open.
> i.(You've kept everything.)
> wear toga.
> x crags. x bird. x whale.
> x ribcage. x flowers. x hippo. fn 17. x pond.
> w.(Eris's voice cautions you it's very dangerous in there and no god can help you there.)
> read papyrus.
Okay, the "Leviathan" is the whale, that monstrous yellow bird is the "Mweru bird", and the hippo is the "river-horse". If you get in the hippo, the yellow bird should carry it to sea and with luck, you'll return to the normal part of the world.
But you're here to get the Banana, so instead of using the hippo, pay close attention to the third paragaph of the papyrus.
> w. w. w.
Canyon's Edge
> x ridge.
The papyrus says there's a footbridge to the south.
> s.
East Side of Chasm
Hm. The footbridge is here, but explore what else is on this side before crossing.
> s.
Waterfall Overlook
> x waterfall. s.
Rocky Ford
> x rocks. x marsh.
> n. n. n. n.
Narrow Chasm
> w.
Precarious Ledge
Don't jump from here.
> e. s. s.
East Side of Chasm
> x bridge. w.
West Side of Chasm
"Crest the western hill"
> w.
Mountain Pass
> ref #. x skeleton.
> x machete. take it.
> w.
Palm Grove
Leave the coconut here for now.
> x coconut.
> s.
Cane Field
> x cane. cut cane with machete.
> take cane. x my cane.
> n. n.
Melon Patch
> x melon. cut it. taste juice.
> remove toga.
> screw melon.(+1; the melon is destroyed)
> wear toga.
> s. w.
Spit of Land
> x lake.
CAUTION: You need your hands free for swimming. Small things can be held in your toga, and one thing can be in your mouth.
If you drop the machete and coconut here and go north, you hear something eat the coconut behind you!
If you took the coconut, go back to the palm glove and leave the coconut there.
> n. n.
North End of the Lake
A giant tentacles frog-like creature regards you. "Appease the Guardian with [...] a cane."
> give cane to guardian.(It's gone.)
> n.
North Shore of the Lake
> drop machete.
With the machete here and the guardian gone, you can now go back for the coconut.
> s. s. s. e.
Palm Grove
> take coconut. w. n. n. n.
North Shore of the Lake
> take machete.
Take the time to remove anything you're wearing other than the toga. Wearing the ring when you need to be naked can get you killed.
ALSO, make sure to put the toga back on if it's off!
> remove ring.
> e. n.
Plateau
> x baboons. x tree.(You can walk onto it!)
Understand that you can only take the Banana when you're completely utterly stark naked, otherwise you die in the attempt, but if these baboons see your bare butt, they kill you. Distract the baboons by giving them the coconut then act quickly before they look at you again.
If you're still wearing that damn ring, take it off first! Seriously!
> give coconut. u. u.
Top of the Banana Tree
> remove toga. take banana.
The baboons are shrieking and the hippo is flying towards you.
> wear toga.
The baboons are climbing up! The Mweru bird is diving for the hippo!
> wear ring.
The hippo's mouth is open and will be below the tree in seconds.
> jump.
Hippopotamus Interior
> x wallpaper. x Banana.(has a brass peel)
> z.(Eris's voice congratulates you.)
> cut Banana with machete.(ineffective, but you had to try it, yes?)
> z. z. z. z. z. z.
Poop Deck
> ask Pal about Jaffa.
> out. e. s.
Zach's Mohelerie
> put Banana on block.(Zach cuts it open.)
> take Banana. x it.
> n. w. w.
Poop Deck
> ask Pal about Thessalonia.
You set sail, but at sea, a shout from the crow's nest tells you about a fast approaching ship from the southwest. Spoiler: It's a pirate ship!
The geography of your ship opens up beyond the Poop Deck. You can now go fore to the main deck or down the open hatch. Don't forget to use shipboard directions (fore, aft, port, and starboard).
Alas, there's no way for you to help the crewmen, fight the pirates, hide yourself, or doing anything else useful — except change which color your cock glows by using the standard IF magic words.
> remove toga. xyzzy.
> x penis.(It's now glowing toxic orange.)
There's several colors possible. You just want it not to be blue so you can get to an optional Druidic section of the game.
> wear toga.
Feel free to explore the ship while you can, but sooner or later, the pirates will board the ship, after which it's in your best interest to go to the Poop Deck immediately to meet them.
This walkthrough will play it safe and just direct you to your cabin before then.
> d. sb.
Stiffy's Cabin
> pray.(Nehalennia, a Celtic goddess, has no idea why you were connected to her.)
> fn 18.
> x porthole. open it. x it. x hammock.
> z.(repeatedly wait you hear Bruno surrender)
> p. u.
Poop Deck
A foppish pirate captain is here.
> x captain.(or any other command)
Bruno points at you. The pirates quickly take you to their ship.
Captain's Cabin
Any command will do here, but it's obvious what you should do, yes?
> kiss captain.(+1)
After the captain tires of you, you're chained to an oar.
Galley
> i.(Your command is ignored.)
The coxswain screams "STROKE!"
> pull oar.
> i.(You're whipped. The rules are explained: STROKE means to pull the oar; otherwise, push it.)
Repeat until you're on a Viking Longboat:
> pull oar.(when he screams "STROKE!")
> push oar.(otherwise)
Viking Longboat
Everything you had is sold to barbarians. You're not chained, but you're still rowing.
Repeat until there's a break in the narrative:
> pull oar.(when Sven H shouts "BORK!")
> push oar.(otherwise)
Somehow, you become a Viking and you get your toga and the Banana back.
>> SPACE
If your penis is glowing blue, skip to the Battlement scene. Otherwise, continue in the Druidic Grove.
Druidic Grove (tripping balls)
> look. x priestess.
> ask her about herself.
> ask her about tribe.
> ask her about Gostaks.
> ask her about faith.
> x altar. x oaks.
> i.(You're wearing woad but no toga.)
> x woad.(causes mild hallucinations)
> ask her about woad.
> kiss her.(She wants your penis to glow blue first.)
Using XYZZY changes the glow to a random color, only one of which is blue. Unless you're quite lucky, XYZZY isn't the best magic word to use. You need to try other magic words.
Y2 always makes your member glow blue.
> Y2.(Your penis glows blue.)
> kiss her.(She shrugs out of her robe.)
> screw her.(+1)
> x breasts. x pussy.
> kiss her.(It's time for you to go.)
> w.
There is another break in the narrative.
>> SPACE
Battlement
The prologue scene is happening again. Your only real option is to jump. And if you don't know that, PRAY to get the same advice from Icarus.
> ref #.
> jump.
Lake
> s. s. s. s.
>> SPACE
Game Room (As Eris)
> score.
> take Stiffy. put Stiffy on table.
Argus catches you cheating, suggests making a deal for his silence, and reveals his erection.
> suck Argus.(+100. He allows Stiffy back on the board, but only in Hades.)
> score. put Stiffy in Hades.
>> SPACE
Land of the Dead
> listen. x remains. ref #.
> x skull. take it.(It's not actually here.)
> look.(huh)
> n.
Unreal City
> x men. ref #. ref #.
> x fog. x palace. x plaza. x dog. x obelisk.
> x graveyard. x garden.
> ask men about dog.(They don't react to you.)
> hit men.(They scatter.)ref #.
> w.
Garden
> ref #. fn 19. x Stetson. x hat.
> x bench. x snail. x roses.
> x chrysanthemums. x lilac. x mound.
> ask Stetson about Mylae.
> ask him about garden.(Bone meal makes them grow.)
> ask him about bone meal.
> ask him about hat.("all mine")
> ask him about Butte.
> ask him about snail.("Speedy")
> ask him about mound.(Dog will dig it up.)
> ref #.
> ask him about bush.(shifty)
> ask him about dog.(scares him)
> ask him about palace.(never been inside)
> ask him about Graham.(harmless)
> ask him about Persephone.(She wants his hat.)
> dig mound.(Stetson stops you.)
> e. n.
Plaza
> x dog.(Cerberus)
> x gate. x obelisk.
> e.
Rats' Alley
> ref #. x bone. take it.
> n.
Apartment
> x Madame. fn 20. ref #.
> x couch. x martini.(no olive)
> ask her about herself.
> ask her about martini.
> ask her about olive.(wants one)
> ask her about fortune.(You'll become a fertility god. Kind of.)
> ask her about dog.(darling)
> ask her about Persephone.(tramp)
> ask her about Stetson.(nasty)
> s. w. w.
Little Thebes
> x blind man.(It's Tiresias.)
> x men.(They're both "Doug".)
> ask Tiresias about himself. ref #.
> ask him about Doug. ref #.
> ask him about sausage.("just take it")
> ask him about pussy.("just take it")
> ask Doug about Doug. ref #.
> ask Tiresias about dog.(likes pussy and sausage)
> remove toga.
Choose one:
> take pussy.(+1; he gives you a kitten)
> take sausage.(+1; he gives you a sausage)
> x kitten —or— x sausage.
> wear toga.
> e. s. e.
Palace
> x thrones. x columns. x roof. ref #. fn 21.
> x woman.(Persephone)
> x breasts. x pantsuit.
> ask her about herself.
> ask her about breasts.
> ask her about thrones.
> ask her about Pluto.
> ask her about Stetson.
> ask her about hat.(She wants it.)
> ask her about dog.
> ask her about Tiresias.
> ask her about Doug. ask her about Graham.
> kiss her.(no: get hat)
> ask her about Jupiter.
> w. n.
Plaza
> show kitten to middle head —or— show sausage to middle head.(Cerebus is now following you.)
> s.
Unreal City
One of the men drops an umbrella.
> take umbrella. w.
Garden
Cerberus digs up an arm from the mound. Stetson rides the snail to get away, dropping his hat. The dog's heads fight over the arm, and the kitten (or sausage) is no longer around.
> take hat. x arm.
> e. e.
Palace
> give hat to Persephone.("claim your reward")
> touch breasts. ref #.
> kiss her.(+1)ref #.
> take toga. wear it.
> w. n. n.
Slough of Despond
> x demon.(not really here). ref #.
> e.(no: slope is too steep)
> w.
Bloody Wood
> x man.(Agamemnon)ref #.
> x birds. x blood. x feet.
> ask man about himself. ref #.
> ask man about daughter.
> ask man about war.
> ask man about birds.
> give umbrella to him.(He gives you wine as thanks.)
> e. n.
Riverbank (southern)
> x river. x ferryman.(Charon)
> x robe. x pole. x gondola. x sand.
> dig sand.(no: too hard)
> ask Charon about ANYTHING.(He doesn't talk.)
> enter gondola.(He stops you, wincing.)
> show bone to Charon.(He wants it.)
> give bone to Charon.(He accepts it.)
> enter gondola.
Riverbank (northern)
The monstrosity is pleading with Charon, but Charon is denying it.
> x undead.(It's Phlebas the Phoenician sailor.)
> ref #. ref #.
> x pearl. ref #. ref #.
> x wineskin.
You can't ask Phlebas about anything. He's drinking his wine often, but it pours out of holes in his body.
> w.
Muddy Field
> ref #. x head.(It's Tantalus.)x jug.
> ask him about himself.(wants a drink)
> ask him about drink. ask him about jug.
> ask him about mud.(or about the rain)
> dig mud.(futile)
> take jug.(no: he stops you)
> give wine to Tantalus. take jug.
> e. n.
Circular Ruins
> x man.("Apeneck Sweeny")
> ask him about himself.
> ask him about job. ref #.
> ask him about horn gate.(for true dreams. And he's thirsty.)
> ask him about ivory gate.(for false dreams)
> x zebra.
CAUTION: Sweeny stops you from entering the ivory gate the first time you try, but don't ever enter the ivory gate for real unless you're replaying to see the extra content on the other side. You cannot win the game if you go through the ivory gate.
> w. fn 22.
> e. ref #.
> n.
Olive Grove
> x tree. x olive.(needs to be brined)
> take olive.(out of reach)
> pour vinegar on tree.(You lose the jug and the tree, but the pickled olive is now in reach.)
> take olive. x it.(How did it get a pimento?)
Deliver the olive to Madame:
> s. s. enter skiff. s. s. e. n.
Apartment
> give olive to Madame.
She now follows you. However, she won't enter the palace, Little Thebes, or the Bloody Wood. She waits for you to return if you visit those places.
> s. w. n. n. enter skiff.
Riverbank (northern)
Madame Sosostris confesses she got Phlebas's and your fortunes mixed up and pays for Phlebas's passage. Phlebas drops his wineskin before he leaves with Charon.
> take wineskin.
> n.
Circular Ruins
Madame wobbles over to Sweeny. They're interested in each other, but Sweeny needs a drink, and Madame isn't sharing her martini.
> give wineskin to Sweeny.(They increase their scores.)
> ref #.
> x Sweeny.(sleeping)
> e.(You and Madame enter the horned gate.)
>> SPACE
Inside the Cavern
> fn 23. x arch.(not a true gate on this side)
> e. e.
Field Near Cave
Publius Vergilius Maro, better known as Vergil the poet, greets you and invites you to stay in his villa to the north. Oh, and you're in Mantua now.
> x Vergil. x marble.("Et In Arcadia Ego")
> ask him about Arcadia.
> ask him about Eclogues.(Moonmilk lets you talk to farm animals.)
> ask him about Theocritus.
> ask him about Mantua.
> ask him about Madame.
> ask him about me.
> kiss Vergil.(no: you're too old for him)fn 24.
> s.(Vergil is also following you.)
Chestnut Grove
> x chestnuts. take them.
> e. e.
Little Pond
> x pond. x duckweed. take it.
> n.
Villa Entrance
> x villa.
> e. e.
Peristyle
Vergil asks you to find the cook and ask him about lunch. Vergil and Madame are no longer following you; they're now waiting for lunch.
> s.
Kitchen
> x cook. ask him about lunch.(He needs wine, a fowl, and some chestnuts.)
> give chestnuts. take call. x call.
> x apron. x hat. x oven.
> d.
Pantry
> x barrels. x door.(locked)
> n.
Root Cellar
> x bins. ref #.
> s. s.
Shadowy Nook
> x woman. x tunic. x mattress.
> ask maid about herself.("Ulpia")
> ask maid about wine.
> ask maid about key.
> remove toga. take tunic.
> screw maid.(+1)
> ask maid about key.(She produces it.)
> take key. kiss maid.
> x penis.(You note that it's no longer glowing.)
> wear toga.
> n.
Pantry
> unlock door with key. e.
Wine Cellar
> x racks. take wine.
> e.
Dim Alcove
> x moonmilk. fn 25.
> eat moonmilk.(like eating chalk)
> w. w. u.
Kitchen
> give wine to cook.(Not good enough.)
> n. w. w. s. e.
Little Pond
> blow call.(A duck greets you, tries to eat the duckweed in the pond, but can't.)
> give duckweed to duck.(A curse prevents the duck from eating it!)
> ask duck about curse.(She's Anas. Juno cursed her to be unable to eat or age until someone fattens her up.)
> take duck.(no, but she'll follow you)
> remove toga. screw duck.(no)fn 26.
> wear toga. w.
Field Near Cave
> give weed to Anas.(That works.)
> n. e. e. s.
Kitchen
The chef immediately kills, plucks, and boils Anas into a gutted carcass.
> d. e.
Wine Cellar
> take wine.
> w. u.
Kitchen
> give wine to man.(Still not good enough.)
He suggests going deeper into the stores and explore more carefully and puts his finger alongside his nose.
> d. e. e.
Dim Alcove
> search walls.(You find a bottle!)
> take bottle. x it.
> w. w. u.
Kitchen
> give ancient bottle to chef.
The meal is made and consumed. Anas's soul ascends. Vergil sends you home.
>> SPACE
Stiffy Love Nest
> e. s. w. w.
Poop Deck
> ask Pal about Thessalonica.(You sail there safely this time.)
> out.
Thessalonica Docks
> x docks. x rustics.
> w.
Litochoro
> x cloak.(of bearskin)
> take cloak. x houses.
> w.
Prionia
> x bush. x blade. take it.
> x pines. cut pines.(with blade)
> take stick. x it.
> wear cloak.(needed for warmth)
> w. n. n.
Perilous Ledge
> w.(The stick aids you here.)
Summit
> remove cloak. x bridge. x palaces.
> n.
The goddess of the Last Lousy Point arrives. You have five turns to pray to her by name. If you wait, she might mention a trifecta or random trivial facts.
> pray to Trivia.
> remove toga. take tunic. kiss her.(+1)
> ref #. wear toga.
> n. e.
Game Room
> x Eris. x wings.
> x table. x Pharos. x Hades.
> x figurines. x Stiffy. x Baldanders.
> x hippo. x bird. x dice.
> give Banana to Eris.
She tells you the plan has changed. She now wants you to sodomize Argus with the Banana. His many eyes need to be distracted, though. She also gives you some sunglasses so you're not blinded in the palace.
> x sunglasses.
> w. w.
Colossal Baths
> x Anas. x pools.
> x mosaics. g. g. g. g.(You see yourself on your journey.)
> ask Anas about herself.
> ask her about Jupiter.
> ask her about Eris.(She'll help distract Argus.)
> wear sunglasses. e. n.
Palace Steps
> x Caesar. kiss Caesar.(from Cleo)
> ask him about himself.
> ask him about death.
> ask him about Argus.(He'll help you too.)
> n.
Grand Palace
> x gods.(You see Jupiter, Mars, Minerva, Pluto, Neptune, Bacchus, Mercury, Trivia, Eris, Caesar, Anas, Argus, and Juno.)
> x Jupiter. x Mars. x Minerva. x Pluto.
> x Neptune. x Bacchus. x Mercury.
> x Trivia. x Eris. x Caesar. x Anas. x Argus.
> listen. g. g.
> remove toga. screw Argus.(+1)
The deed is done. Juno and Eris both claim you. Jupiter sends you to...
>> SPACE
Halls of Justice
You are now shackled to a pillar. You may not talk to anyone during this part.
> i.(You seem to have everything still.)
Jupiter begins the trial. Juno represents Argus. Eris represents you.
> x Juno. x Argus. x Eris. x Jupiter.
Jupiter rules in your favor, and Eris grants you immortality. You are now a Demigod.
> ref #.
> x me.(Jupiter is already interested in you.)
> z.
Juno concedes the immortality, but demands punishment. Eris gulps.
> z.
Jupiter agrees. He says you'll become an immortal sexy pumpkin.
> z.
Eris insists on an escape clause. Jupiter decides that to lift the curse, you must acquire mortal worshippers and manifest yourself to them.
> z.(BANG! You're a pumpkin.)
> SPACE
Olympic Garden
> score. i.(You can no longer do that.)
Jupiter introduces you to the other gods. Uh oh.
> z. z.(+1. You score with Jupiter.)
> z.(+1. You score with Eris.)
> z.(+100. You score with Argus.)
> z.(+4. You score with four male gods.)
> z.(+1. You score with Caesar.)
> z. z.(+1. You score with Juno.)
> z.(+2. You score with Mars and Minerva.)
> z.(+1. You score with Anas.)
> z.(+100. You score with Argus again.)
> z.(+random. Months go by.)
> z.(+1. You score with Eris again, who whispers that you've been forgotten about, and she's told Festus where you are.)
> z.(You fall safely to...)
Macedonian Hillside
> z.(+1. You score with a curious fox.)
> z.(+1. You score with Festus.)
> z.(+random. Festus takes you home.)
Peristyle
> z.(+random. Years pass. Festus becomes the master.)
> z.(+random. Festus ages and dies.)
> z.(+random. Generations pass.)
> z.(+1. Rome falls.)
Ruined Villa
> z.(+random. The Dark Ages.)
> z.(+random. The Middle Ages and the Renaissance.)
> z.(+random. A Van Pelt takes you to New Amsterdam.)
Pumpkin Patch
> z.(+random. Centuries pass.)
> z.(Linus, Lucy, Charlie Brown, Snoopy, and others call for the Great Pumpkin to arise!)
> arise.
*** APOCOLOCYNTOSIS ***
That means "pumpkinification"; see apocolocyntosis at Wiktionary.
> amusing
> cast
> credits
Extras
Amusing
This is the response to AMUSING after you've won the game:
Have you tried ...
Examining the ledger in the Hotel Metropole?
Numerous times?
And then consulting the ledger about one of the obvious suspects?
Praying for help in the Colossal Cave section?
Praying as Eris?
Asking everyone you meet about Syra?
XYZZY?
In the intro, or after pleasing Jupiter Virilis but before arriving in Hades?
Converting to Judaism?
SCORE?
As Eris?
After bargaining with Argus?
Looking for Syra on the Olympian game board?
Rolling the dice?
Several times?
Rolling polyhedral dice (e.g. 1d12+2)?
Rolling 1d20?
Until you get a 20?
Until you get a 1?
As Stiffy?
Taking the Stiffy Makane figurine as Stiffy?
Not arising when the opportunity presents itself?
Bibliography
Mentula Macanus references several works during the game. This is a condensed list of those references.
Game references
Adams, Scott. Adventureland.
Blank, Marc and David P. Lebling. Zork I.
Callaci, Irene. Dangerous Curves.
Crowther, Will and Don Woods. Adventure.
Granade, Stephen. Child's Play.
Granade, Stephen. Losing Your Grip.
Mitchelhill, James. Kallisti.
Muckenhaupt, Carl, The Gostak.
The Nethack Development Team. Nethack.
Romero, John. Doom.
Ryan, Mark. The Incredible Erotic Adventures of Stiffy Makane.
Literary references
Anthony, Piers. In the Barn.
Aristophanes. Frogs.
Catullus. Poems.
Dickey, James. Deliverance.
Eliot, T.S. Sweeny Among the Nightingales.
Eliot, T.S. The Waste Land.
Gygax, Gary. Monster Manual.
Nabokov, Vladimir. Lolita.
Ogden, C.K. and Ian Richards, The Meaning of Meaning.
Ørberg, Hans H. Lingua Latina.
Petronius. Satyricon.
Pratchett, Terry. The Discworld Saga.
Rowson, Martin. The Waste Land.
Shakespeare, William. Much Ado About Nothing.
Shakespeare, William. The Tempest.
Shakespeare, William. The Tragedy of Julius Caesar.
Suetonius. Lives of the Twelve Caesars.
Tolkien, J.R.R. The Lord of the Rings.
Van Lente, Fred and Ryan Dunlavey. Action Philosophers #1.
Vergil. Aeneid.
Wilson, Robert Anton and Robert Shea. The Eye in the Pyramid.
Wolfe, Gene. The Sword of the Lictor.
Movie references
Amateau, Rodney. High School U.S.A..
Coen, Ethan and Joel Coen. The Big Lebowski.
Fleming, Victor. The Wizard of Oz.
Reiner, Rob. The Princess Bride.
Smith, Kevin. Clerks II.
Tarantino, Quentin. Pulp Fiction.
Weitz, Paul. American Pie.
Musical references
DeYoung, Dennis. The Grand Illusion, 'Come Sail Away'.
Lehrer, Tom. Tom Lehrer Revisited, 'I Wanna Go Back To Dixie'.
Page, Jimmy and Robert Plant, Led Zeppelin IV, 'Stairway to Heaven'.
The Velvet Underground and Nico. The Velvet Underground and Nico, 'Venus in Furs'.
Waits, Tom. Alice, 'Hang Me In The Bottle'.
Waits, Tom. Rain Dogs, 'Downtown Train'.
Wayne, Jon. Texas Funeral, 'Texas Jail Cell'.
Other references
Ted Bates Ad Agency. Palmolive, Jan Miner in 'Madge the Manicurist' ad spots, 1966-1992, passim.
Wiess College, Rice University. Night of Decadence, passim.
Williams, Clayton. 1990 Texas Gubernatorial Race, a joke comparing bad weather to rape.
Characters
π = Characters you can score with during your mortal life.
Rome characters
π Julius Caesar is being enthusiastically "stabbed" by his friends (including Anthony, Brutus, Marcus, Quintus, Naughtius Maximus, Biggus Dickus, and Magnus Prickus) on the Curia Steps. He later dies (choking on a cock) and ascends into an Olympian god. He's not happy about that.
π Julia is a beautiful black-haired sacrificial virgin on Jupiter's altar. Unfortunately, her nose is big and ugly.
The Priest of Jupiter Virilis is drinking in a seedy tavern instead of doing his duty.
An artist with a goatee sits sullenly behind an easel in his hut.
Cocky Makane (Gallio Macanus Gallus) is your virile father and a successful businessman. He's in the tablinum.
π Festus is your slave. He has dirty blond hair, a goofy grin, and an endowment almost as big as yours. After Eris gets you out of Olympus, Festus brings you back home to Ostia. Festus eventually inherits the Makane estate, fathers many children, and dies at an advanced age.
A sewer rat in the sewer grabs your father's ring and runs off with it, only to be swallowed whole by a giant toad.
Old Pierre is a giant toad who gives you an iron key and invites you to visit his master.
The Great God Glub is a loathsome, gelatinous, conic mass of foulness and many red eyes. Some of its other names are Juiblex, the Faceless Lord, Eihort, and Tsathoggua. It's made its home in a particularly noxious part of the sewers and it wants you to get it an invite to Fatty's party.
Thousands of frogs (or toads?) blanket the muddy banks of one section of the sewer channel.
Mentioned: π Fatty Norbanus (Gaius Norbanus Flaccus) is in the baths. You orally convince him to give you a party invitation.
Mentioned: Your mother is probably out shopping with her new maidservant, Clodia.
Mentioned: The passers-by in Ostia.
Mentioned: A satyr is chasing a pretty girl on the tablinum's mural.
Mentioned: An octopus is attacking sailors on the tablinum's mosaic.
Alexandria characters
π Mr. Eugenides is a portly merchant from Smyrna who's eating currants at the top of the Pharos. He wants you to come to his hotel room.
π Cleopatra is Alexandria's queen, an astonishingly beautiful woman with violet eyes. From her throne, she looks at you with mild interest.
π The mummified corpse of Alexander the Great is inside his sarcophagus. There's a hole in his bandages just over his anus.
The bouncer in the museum antechamber won't let you enter unless you can either defeat him in combat or bring him a suitable item for the Museum.
The guard manning the palace gate looks the other way if you bring him something to eat.
A hotel clerk slouches behind his counter. His impressive collection of zits is the only interesting thing about him.
The librarian, an older woman with severe features, exudes a commanding presence and unshakeable competence.
Mentioned: Greek slaves clad in black swarm up and down the ladders, fetching scrolls for the scholars below.
Mentioned: Scholars work at tables in the library.
Mentioned: Worshippers throng around the Temple of Serapis.
Mentioned: A Nubian slave opens Alexander's sarcophagus.
Possible mentions in the hotel's ledger: Syra of Rome, N. Petit of Larousse, Dr. Gratiano Forbeson of Mirandola, Arsène Lupin of Paris, A. Person of Porlock, Arthur Rainbow of Harar, Morris Schmetterling of Ghent, D. Orgon of Elmira, Harry Bumper of Sheridan, Phineas Quimby of Lebanon, Dr. Kitzler of Eryx, Johnny Randall of Ramble, N. S. Aristoff of Catagela, James Mavor Morell of Hoaxton, G. Trapp of Geneva, Aubrey Beardsley of Quelquepart Island, Lucas Picador of Merrymay, Will Brown of Dolores, Harold Haze of Tombstone, Donald Quix of Sierra, Ted Hunter of Cane, Clare Quilty of Zembla, Humbert Humbert of Elphinstone, and Dolores Haze of Ramsdale.
Possible mentions in the hotel if you wander include men, women, an ostrich, and a goat in various activities.
Judaea characters
Zach claims to be the best and fastest mohel in the world. He has wild hair and a wicked knife.
π Rachel is an attractive nude Jewish woman in the Judaean brothel. She is aroused by shouting anti-gentile demands and slurs at her partners.
Miriam, Rachel's eight-year-old niece, interrupts your coupling to relay a message from her mother, Rachel's aunt Anna.
The moneychanger is a plump man outside the Temple. He exchanges your foreign coins into local shekels.
The proprietor of the gift shop in the exceptionally lame Jonah's Museum is a wizened unhappy man.
Mentioned: Someone knocks you out with a heavy cosh when you first try to leave the sketchy-looking alley.
Mentioned: The bouncer of the brothel has to buckle his sandals before he can chase you for stealing the mezuzah.
Mentioned: Jonah is the prophet of Yahweh who was swallowed by a whale.
Mentioned: The Judaeans ignore you unless your uncircumcized member is publically on display.
Cumae, Syracuse, and Carthage characters
The Cumaean Sybil is a wizened, shrunken prophetess inside a smoked glass bottle hanging from the ceiling of the Sybilline grotto.
π Archie (Archimedes) is the red-headed barbarian wearing a resplendent leather jockstrap in the tastelessly-decorated Polyphemus brothel in Syracuse. His endowment is prodigious. Brobdingagian. It's a big one.
π Dr Nick Riviera (via The Simpsons) has a shabby clinic in Carthage where you can get rid of the clap.
Phlebas is initially a handsome Phoenician sailor briefly seen exiting Madame Sosostris's tent. You next see him in Hades as a shambling, undead corpse after he drowned.
Mentioned: Odysseus is named via an acrostic in the brothel's wall commandment.
Africa characters
A whale swallows you if you, disguised as Jonah, dare set sail for anywhere but Nineveh, disobeying Yahweh's explicit orders.
The Mweru bird is a terrifyingly gargantuan yellow canary the size of the Great Pyramid. Its nest is just outside the Sacred Grove of the Perfumed Jungles of Kled.
The Guardian of the Lake, a huge and hideous tentacled frog-thing, must be appeased with sugar cane.
The baboons on the plateau snarl at you hungrily. Their gaudy posteriors are red and blue.
Mentioned: Beasts, a viper, a chimpanzee, a crocodile, a python, or an outsized African arowana may kill you in various assorted endings.
Dishonorable mention: π A muskmelon. It's not a character, but you do score with it.
Found dead: A dead elephant's ribcage forms a pergola leading away from where you land in Africa.
Also: The blue hippopotamus is just a flying taxi in the shape of an animal. It's not alive.
Shipboard characters
Bruno is the captain of The Golden Ass, your father's ship. He needs to see your father's ring on your finger before you can use his ship.
Palinurus is the helmsman of The Golden Ass. Tell him where to sail.
Other crewmen are on board but unnamed.
π An effeminate pirate captain captures you and you're his bedmate until he tires of you.
Other pirates assist their captain.
The coxswain in the pirate galley screams "STROKE!" when you need to pull the oar. When he's not screaming, push the oar. Your fellow slaves include a once-pretty Egyptian boy, a handsome Scythian, and a Parthian.
Sven Haraldson in the Viking longboat screams "BORK!" when you need to pull the oar. When he's not screaming, push the oar. Sven Spamson is your benchmate. Other Vikings eventually drag you off to battle.
Scotland characters
π A Druidic priestess needs you to liberate her Pictish tribe from the Gostaks. She's also pretty hot.
Baldanders is the Gostak chief and a sorcerous giant with a mace. How are you expected to fight him?
Your woad-induced hallucinations may feature a giant bat with your father's head, a troupe of friendly mushroom-folk, the pirate captain, three bears and a blonde, or the Great God Glub.
Hades characters
π Persephone, Pluto's bride, is a short blonde with enormous breasts. She wants Stetson's hat.
Stetson is a weedy fellow wearing a white ten-gallon hat and tending to his charming garden. He was with you in the ships at Mylae.
Cerberus is huge black dog with three heads: Vinnie (the left head), Golem (the middle head), and Ursa (the right head). Each has a different personality, but they chase cats and dig up bones like any dog would.
π Tiresais is a naked old blind man in Little Thebes. He possesses both a sausage and a pussy.
The wrinkled Dougs are a pair of men condemned to be eternally lame puns in the Underworld.
The Grahams are identical men in the Unreal City. Each wears identical dark suits and bowler hats. Each carries a black umbrella.
Charon, the silent skeletal ferryman, has a cracked left leg bone.
Tantalus is the head buried up to his neck in the muddy field. The buried up to neck guy with vinegar. He protects a jug of vinegar.
Agamemnon is an older man in the bloody wood, shrieking every time the singing nightingales happily crap on him, which is quite often.
Oopsie mention: The cacodemon lives in the Slough of Despair, not the Slough of Despond!
Iffy mention: Stetson's snail, "Speedy", appears to be a decorative statue in his garden, but it's actually a flying vehicle when he needs to make a quick exit.
Mantua and Macedonia characters
Vergil (Publius Vergilius Maro) is a poet of little repute. Hades's hornΔd gate brought you and Madame Sosostris to his villa on Mantua just in time for lunch.
The chef is in the kitchen. If you bring him some chestnuts, a decent bottle of wine, and a fowl to stuff, he'll make lunch for everyone.
π Ulpia, the scullery maid, sprawls drunkenly on a filthy mattress in a shadowy nook. If you please her, she'll tell you where she hid the wine cellar key.
Anas is a female duck much favored by Jupiter. She would have been his bath toy in Olympus, except Juno cursed her to always starve and never eat until someone fattens her up and eats her. Only then can she ascend to Olympus.
The rustics at the Thessalonican docks are an incurious bovine-like people. Ignore them.
Mentioned: Theocritus is one of Vergil's favorite poets.
Olympus (and other gods)
Jupiter Virilis is the father of the gods. His temple in Rome is dedicated to his aspect as Inseminator, and his phallus is named "Sparky". He enjoys waving his thunderbolt around. He's the one who blesses your cock with protective luminessence, and he's also the one who passes judgment on you after you violate Argus.
Eris is the bat-winged goddess of discord. Her temple in Rome contains the Apple of Discord. After you please her, she tasks you with your quest to return the stolen Banana of Discord to her in Olympus, and acts as your guide and protector (when she can) during your adventures.
π Trivia, the Goddess of the Three Ways, is also the literal Last Lousy Point you can score. You may meet her and satisfy her on the Olympic bridge if you are worthy.
π Argus is a hundred-eyed grade-A douchebag god. And he has a hundred penises too.
Juno is Jupiter's wife. She's livid after you violate Argus and represents him during your trial.
Also present in the Grand Palace are: Mars, Minerva (and her owl), Pluto, Neptune, Bacchus, and Mercury.
The godly operators who may first answer your prayers are Agaeon, Briarus, Cottos, Gyes, and Gyges.
The gods who may answer your prayer, depending on your situation, are Abeona, Apollo, Asclepius, Bacchus, Calliope, Cardea, Ceres, Chione, Clayton Williams, Cloacina, Diana, Don Woods, Erebus, Eris, Eros, Flora, Glub, Icarus, Jana, Janus, Jupiter Virilis, Libitina, Luna, Mercury, Nehalennia, Neptune, Persephone, Pluto, Poena, Polymnia, Pomona, Priapus, Puta, Stercalius, Thoth, Trivia, Venus, Vertumnus, and Yahweh.
Cast list mentions (both real and imaginary)
Ron Jeremy played Stiffy Makane.
Jennifer Aniston played Rachel.
Nancy Pearl played the librarian.
Elizabeth Taylor played Cleopatra.
Prunella Scales played Madame Sosostris.
Dolly Parton played Persephone.
Vinnie, Golem, and Ursa played Cerberus.
Stephen Granade played Tantalus.
Rosario Dawson played Trivia.
Juiblex (from the Monster Manual) played Glub.
William played the Hippopotamus. ("William" is a small ancient Egyptian faience statuette of a hippopotamus, a part of the collection at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York.)
Froghemoth played the Lake Guardian.
Sacrifice played the Druidic priestess.
The Peanuts cast played themselves (including Linus, Lucy, Charlie Brown, and Snoopy).
Other mentions
Extremely Honorable Mention: Syra is a large-nosed yet alluring woman that an astonishing number of characters in the game have known in the Biblical sense.
A grue will eat you if you spend too much time in the dark.
When the Red King wakes while you're in Kentucky, you go out like a candle.
A curious fox screws your pumpkin-self.
Numerous unnamed people screw your pumpkin-self after Festus brings you back to Ostia.
A Dutchman by the name of Van Pelt buys you and brings you to New Amsterdam.
Other species (who have no use for a sexy immortal pumpkin) inherit the Earth after humanity falls.
Eris's lovers are numerous; see her score for details.
Finally, the dedication at the start of the game is randomized. The possible dedicants are: Graham Nelson, Emily Short, Ezra Pound, T.S. Eliot, Jacek Pudlo, Steve Breslin, Robb Sherwin, Andrew Plotkin, and Mark Ryan.
Yes, yes, there's probably other people mentioned in this game. My apologies to anyone I missed!
Credits
After the prologue sequence, the game's banner and the following information is printed:
Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis An Interactive Perversion by One of the Bruces and Drunken Bastard
Release 1 / Serial number 110329 / Inform 7 build 6G60 (I6/v6.32 lib 6/12N)
Mentula Macanus: Apocolocyntosis would not have been possible without the help of my playtesters. The first wave:
Marnie Parker, Robb Sherwin, Gin Rosenkranz, Amy Horton, Tracy Jo Barnwell, Andrew Plotkin, Tomasz Pudlo, and S. John Ross.
The second wave:
Jonathan Goodwin, Martin McGreal, Mark Oates, and Jason Warchol.
Enormous thanks are due to Amy Horton, my long-suffering wife, who has put up with a lot in the course of this game's development.
In Memoriam Gin Rosenkranz
Vinnie
Endings
In case you're wondering, yes, I searched the game's source code to create this list of endings. There's no way I could possibly have found them all by just playing the game.
You have been bludgeoned to death
if the Gostak chief kills you during the prologue.
if you really persist in attacking the museum's bouncer.
You have been eaten by a grue
if you wander in darkness.
You have been incinerated
if the unravaged Julia screams at your exposed penis. Jupiter flashfries you.
if you blow Julia's nose before you've been invited to do so.
You have been raped to pieces
if you persist in being undressed in the twisty little alleys.
You have been emasculated by a grue
if you screw the apple with an unglowing penis.
You have drowned in sewage
if you try to follow the giant toad down the sewer drain.
You have dissolved into the noisome majesty that is Glub
if you persist in trying to touch or screw Glub.
You have been incinerated by divine lightning
if you persist in trying to attack or screw the Judaeans.
You have found a happy—though not exactly the winning—ending
if you get circumcised.
You have died.
if you enter the Jewish temple, with or without the disguise.
You have been impaled
if you persist in attacking the hungry palace guard.
You have fallen to your death
if you enter the dense jungle (1 of 4).
if you go north or south from "High on a Hillside".
You have been eaten by beasts
if you enter the dense jungle (2 of 4).
You have been poisoned by a viper
if you enter the dense jungle (3 of 4).
You have been brained by a chimpanzee
if you enter the dense jungle (4 of 4).
You have jumped from a great height into a shallow stream
if you jump or dive into the stream when you're high above it.
You have been a victim of your own enthusiasm
if you cut the ropes of the footbridge with the machete.
You have been crushed by a waterfall
if you enter the waterfall.
You have succumbed to quicksand
if you enter the marsh.
You have gone over the falls
if you try crossing the stream from the rocky ford.
You have fallen to your doom
if you try jumping over the stream from the precarious ledge.
You have been eaten by a crocodile
if you swim south from the spit.
You have been swallowed by a python
if you swim west from the spit or from the middle of the lake or from the north end of the lake. (For the last location, we're assuming the Guardian is gone. It gets first dibs on devouring you.)
You have been eaten by an outsized African arowana
if you swim east from the middle of the lake.
You have been devoured by the Guardian of the Lake
if you try to go any direction from the north end of the lake while the Guardian is there.
You have fallen most spectacularly to your death
if you walk or otherwise go off the cliff or banana tree into midair.
You have been beaten, raped, murdered, and eaten by baboons
if the baboons see you without your toga on while you're on their plateau.
You have been dismembered by baboons
if the baboons saw you without your toga on and they catch you when you're halfway up the banana tree.
You have been cast to your death by a baboon
if the baboons saw you without your toga on and one catches you when you're at the top of the banana tree.
You have plunged, burning, to your death
if you try to take the Banana from its tree when wearing anything whatsoever.
You have drowned yourself
if you enter the sea during the pirate attack.
You have been eaten by a shark
if you mess up the rowing on the pirate ship four times.
You rolled a one
if you, as Stiffy in the Game Room (Olympus), roll a 1d20 and get a one. A sixteen-ton weight falls on your head.
You have been devoured
if you attack or kick Cerberus.
if you give the pussy or the sausage to Cerberus.
if you show the pussy or the sausage to Cerberus and stay in the same room with him too many times.
You have been schnorfled to death
if you spend too much time near Cerberus with your navel exposed.
You have been drowned in monster dog saliva
if you kiss Cerberus or Golem (Cerberus's middle head).
You have been decapitated
if you try to kiss Vinnie (Cerberus's left head).
You have had your face bitten off
if you try to kiss Ursa (Cerberus's right head).
You have been dismembered
if you persist in attacking, touching, kissing, etc. with Sweeny.
You have been enmired
if you persist in attacking or kicking Tantalus.
You have gone out-bang!-just like a candle
when the Red King wakes up. This happens after nine turns in the Kentucky Adventure.
You have frozen to death.
if you spend too long in the cold Olympic slopes region of the game.
You have fallen off a mountain.
if you try to go east from Southern Peak without a walking stick.
You have been killed in a rockslide.
if you try to go north from Skala without a walking stick.
You have been dashed to pieces on a pine tree.
if you try to go east from Cirque without a walking stick.
You have fallen to your death.
if you try to go west from Perilous Ledge without a walking stick.
if you try to go east or south from Summit without a walking stick.
You have jumped to your death from Olympus
if you persist in jumping or diving into the clouds from the Olympic Plaza.
The multiverse has encountered an error and needs to close. We are sorry for the inconvenience.
if you (as Stiffy) pick up your own figurine in the Game Room. This causes a simulated infinite loop. After the final message, the game shuts down entirely.
You have been netae by an eurg
if you spend too much time in Brightness, which is the Grand Palace when you're not wearing the sunglasses.
You have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory
if your attempt to bugger Argus (with or without the Banana) fails because he isn't distracted enough.
You have snatched defeat from halfway down the throat of victory
if you successfully buggered Argus but you didn't use the Banana at all.
Immortality—but not the good kind
if you become an immortal pumpkin but never break the curse. Species rise and fall. The sun goes nova. For eons, you drift through space until you enter the event horizon of a black hole.
APOCOLOCYNTOSIS
if you arise as the Great Pumpkin.
Inventory
Body parts
your penis. It's your best feature. Remove your toga to reveal it.
You use your penis automatically when you screw someone (or something).
After successfully screwing Julia in the Phallus Interior, Jupiter blesses your penis and it now glows blue.
The glow protects your penis when you screw the Golden Apple at the Altar of Eris.
You need the glow to see when traversing the Ostian sewers.
The magic word XYZZY changes the glow to another random color. The magic word PLOVER changes the glow to red. The magic word Y2 changes the glow to blue.
If you want the full score, your penis must not glow blue when the Viking Longboat rowing sequence ends. If it's still blue, the Druidic Grove location is skipped entirely.
At the Druidic Grove, say Y2 to change the glow back to blue so it matches the woad. Now you can screw the priestess.
The glow is lost when you enter the Underworld. Magic words will not bring the glow back.
some greenish pus. You acquire it when you first sail to Carthage after screwing Archie in Syracuse.
This pus is a result of catching gonnarhea, also known as the clap. To see the pus, you must remove your toga.
You are unwilling to leave Carthage while infected.
To get rid of the pus, visit the Clinic, get undressed, get on the table, and show your penis to Dr. Nick to learn that he needs a weed from the Necropolis. Get and give the weed to the doc. Again, get undressed, get on the table, and show your penis. Dr. Nick cures you.
Honorable mention: your anus. This is also part of Stiffy, but never listed in your inventory.
You can mostly ignore your anus. You might use it automatically when you screw someone under the right circumstances, such as taking Tiresias's sausage. You still have to take your toga off first, of course.
Honorable mention: your feet. This is also part of Stiffy, but never listed in your inventory.
You can entirely ignore your feet, but feel free to look at them.
Food, drink, and weeds
a bag of currants. Obtain them by screwing Mr. Eugenides in his boudoir in the hotel (Alexandria).
At the Great Harbor, give the currants to the guard. Now you can enter Cleo's palace.
a weed. After the doctor in the clinic (Carthage) tells you he needs a palmate weed with a skunk-like smell from the necropolis, go to the necropolis and search the graves to find the weed.
Give the weed to the doctor. Remove your toga. Get on the table. Show your penis to the doctor. He cures your case of the clap.
Note: The weed is marijuana, obviously.
a coconut. It's in the palm grove (Africa).
Leave the coconut in the grove until after you've given the sugar cane to the Guardian of the lake. It's not safe to leave anything edible on the spit, and you cannot swim with both the coconut and the sugar cane in your possession.
On the plateau, give the coconut to the baboons to distract them. Now quickly get up the tree, remove your toga and take the Banana before the baboons can stop you!
a sugar cane. It grows in the cane field (Africa). Cut it with the machete to obtain a length of it.
At the north end of the lake, give the cane to the Guardian to get it to leave.
a muskmelon. It's in the melon patch (Africa).
Cut it with the machete to make a hole. Tasting the juice is optional. Now screw the melon to earn a point. You destroy the melon afterwards, so eating it afterwards is thankfully not an option.
a sausage. In Little Thebes (Underworld), Tiresias has a "sausage". Undress and take it (up yer bum). Then Tiresias gives you this real sausage.
Once you've taken Tiresias's sausage, you're unwilling to take his pussy as well.
Get dressed, then go show the sausage to Cerberus, then quickly lead him to the Garden. Cerberus digs up an arm, Stetson loses his hat, and Cerberus eats the sausage.
a bottle of fine Falernian wine. In the Bloody Wood (Underworld), Agamemnon gives this wine to you when you give him the umbrella.
In the Muddy Field, give the fine wine to Tantalus. You can now take his jug of vinegar.
a jug of vinegar. It's in the Muddy Field (Underworld), guarded by Tantalus. Give the fine wine to him. He now lets you take the jug.
In the olive grove, pour the vinegar on the last living tree. The tree collapses, smashing the jug, and leaving the now-plump pickled olive on the ground.
a pickled olive. A lone shriveled olive is on the last living tree in the Olive Grove (Underworld). Pour vinegar on the tree to plump up the olive, pickle it, and drop it to the ground where you can reach it.
In the apartment, give the olive to Madame Sosostris. She now follows you. Take her to the Circular Ruins.
a wineskin. Phlebas drops it at the northern Riverbank (Underworld) after Madame Sosostris pays Phlebas's fare across the Styx.
In the Circular Ruins, give the wineskin to Sweeny. He and Madame increase their scores, then he sleeps, leaving the horned gate unguarded.
some duckweed. Take some from the Little Pond (Mantua).
In the Dim Alcove, eat some moonmilk so you can talk to animals. Then go to the pond and blow the duck call to summon a duck.
Talk to the duck. Her name is Anas, and she's under Juno's curse.
Leave the pond, then give the duckweed to the duck, forcing it down her throat. She's now plump and ready to be eaten! Lead her to the kitchen.
some chestnuts. They're in the Chestnut Grove (Mantua).
After asking the chef in the kitchen about lunch, give the chestnuts to him.
some random bottle of wine. Take one from the racks in the Wine Cellar (Mantua).
After asking the chef in the kitchen about lunch, try giving the random wine to him. He pours it down the drain. Try giving another bottle. He pours it down the drain again, but this time, he also suggests going further in and searching more carefully.
an ancient bottle. Find it by searching the walls in the Dim Alcove (Mantua).
After asking the chef in the kitchen about lunch, give the ancient wine to him.
Keys
an iron key. In a circular room in the Ostia sewers, a giant toad spits out this key for you when it tells you its master requests you visit him regarding the signet ring.
This key unlocks the iron grate near the dockside exit from the sewers.
the cellar key. After screwing Ulpia in the Shadowy Nook (Mantua), ask her about the key. She produces it from under a loose floor brick.
This key unlocks the stout door in the Pantry.
Money
an aureus. On the Curia Steps (Rome), Caesar tosses this coin to you after you stab him (with your penis).
In the Artist's Hut, give the aureus and the velvet bag to the artist. He paints the bag and returns it to you as a mask.
a ten-drachma coin. In the Judaean Brothel, Rachel drops this coin as pre-payment for your services.
In the Temple Courtyard, give this coin to the moneychanger. He gives you a five-shekel coin in exchange.
a five-shekel coin. The moneychanger in the Temple Courtyard (Judaea) gives it to you when you give him the ten-drachma coin.
In the Gift Shop (Judaea), buy the disguise (see beard and tallis) with this coin.
Readables
a jagged papyrus fragment. In the Soma Mausoleum, find this fragment by screwing the hole in Alexander's corpse.
You cannot take the ragged papyrus or the stained papyrus from the library with you. Show the stained papryus to the librarian; a scribe copies the text onto a clean piece of papyrus which you can take away with you.
a clean piece of papyrus. Show the stained papyrus to the librarian in Alexandria; this copy is given to you in exchange.
Read it to remind yourself how to find the Golden Banana. Follow its instructions carefully.
Wearables
a toga. You're wearing it.
In general, any time you want to have sex, remove your toga to expose your penis and make your anus accessible. After the sex, put your toga back on.
After any visit to the Ostian sewers, visit the baths to clean yourself up and get a new toga.
When at the Clinic (Carthage), remove your toga, get on the table, and show your penis to the doctor.
In the Underworld, it's dangerous to be undressed too long in the presence of Cerberus.
In Africa, your butt must be covered when on the Plateau with the baboons, but you must be utterly naked when taking the Banana.
Wear both the toga and cloak when traversing the Olympic slopes. Every garment helps against the cold.
a mask. In the artist's hut (Rome), give the velvet bag and the aureus to the artist; the artist turns the bag into a two-faced mask.
In the Seedy Tavern, give the mask to the priest. He promptly performs the necessary ritual with Julia in the Phallus Interior.
Note: You can't wear the mask yourself.
a signet ring. You first glimpse it beneath the privy (Ostia), but a rat is carrying it away.
The story is that your father fisted Festus, his ring got lost inside the lad, and then Festus expelled the ring into the privy.
Follow the rat, then the giant frog which swallows the rat. At a dead end in the sewer, the frog spits out an iron key and tells you to visit its master for the ring. Then he dives into a drain where you can't follow.
In the House of Glub, ask Glub about the ring to learn that Glub wants an invitation. Get and give the invitation token to Glub to finally get the ring.
Wear the ring. Now you are welcome to board The Golden Ass and sail it to various places.
When you eventually get captured by pirates, you lose the ring forever. Fortunately, you no longer need the ring to use your father's ship.
a mezuzah. Rachel in the Judean Brothel is wearing it. Screw her, then take the pendant while she sleeps.
In the antechamber (Alexandria), give the mezuzah to the bouncer to gain admittance to the Great Library.
a fake beard and a tallis. Buy the disguise in the Gift Shop (Judaea) with the five-shekel coin.
Pray in the fake whale interior, ask the proprietor about Jonah, and read the clean papyrus for hints on what you're meant to do with the disguise.
After obtaining the clean papyrus, go to the Poop Deck, wear both the beard and the tallis, then ask Pal about any valid destination. Yahweh thinks you're Jonah shirking your duties and has a whale swallow you! During the next several turns, a giant bird carries the whale to Africa, drops it on a hilltop, and tears into it to eat it. You fall out of the whale carcass and tumble down the hill, unnoticed by the bird.
CAUTION: The disguise isn't good enough to help you enter the Jewish temple.
some woad. You're wearing it when you're in the Druidic Grove.
It's causing the hallucinations you're experiencing. Don't worry about it. When you leave the grove, there's another break in the narrative and you're no longer wearing the woad.
a ten-gallon hat. Stetson is wearing it in the Garden (Underworld). He drops it when you lure Cerberus there with either the sausage or pussy.
In the Palace, give the hat to Persephone. Now you may undress her, remove your toga, and screw her.
a grubby tunic. In the Shadowy Nook (Mantua), Ulpia the scullery maid is wearing it.
Ulpia is quite willing. Take her tunic, remove your toga, and screw her. You automatically give her her tunic back after the deed is done.
a threadbare fur cloak. It's discarded on the ground in Litochoro (Macedonia).
Wear it for the minimal warmth bonus it gives you when traversing the Olympic slopes.
Once you reach the Summit, remove the cloak.
some sunglasses. In the Game Room (Olympus), Eris gives them to you when you try to give the Banana to her.
Wear the sunglasses so you aren't blinded in the Grand Palace.
a basic black dress. As Eris, you're wearing it.
You won't remove it. Argus isn't getting a show.
Other stuff
a velvet bag. It's at Curia Interior with a fairly large hole down one side.
In the Artist's Hut, give the aureus and the velvet bag to the artist. He paints the bag and returns it to you as a mask.
an invitation token. After Glub has told you that he wants an invitation to Fatty Norbanus's party, visit the baths (east of Ostia) to get this token.
In the house of Glub, give the token to Glub to get your father's signet ring.
a rusty machete. It's held by a skeleton on the mountain pass (Africa). Take it.
In the Cane Field, cut the sugar cane with the machete to obtain a length of it.
Note: The machete isn't strong enough to cut the Banana.
In the Melon Patch, cut the muskmelon with the machete to make a hole. Now you can screw the muskmelon.
the Golden Banana of Discord. You're carrying it during the prologue. In the main game, it's at the Top of the Banana Tree (Africa).
To acquire the Banana properly, first remove everything you're wearing except the toga. Leave the toga on so the baboons don't immediately kill you when they see your bare bottom. On the Plateau, give the coconut to the baboons to distract them. Climb the tree quickly, remove your toga, and take the Banana!
CAUTION: You must be completely utterly naked when you take the Banana from the tree, or you will be killed; see papyrus.
In Zach's Mohelerie (Judaea), put the Banana on the block. Zach cuts it open for you. (This is clued by the Cumaean Sybil.)
In the Game Room (Olympus), try to give the Banana to Eris. She tells you to instead bugger Argus with it.
In the Grand Palace, screw Argus with the Banana. Or undress, and screw Argus while holding the Banana. Success depends on getting assistance from Eris, Trivia, Anas, and Caesar all distracting him.
a pussy. In Little Thebes (Underworld), Tiresias has a "pussy". Undress and take it (using your penis). Then Tiresias give you this real pussy, an adorable kitten.
Once you've taken Tiresias's pussy, you're unwilling to take his sausage as well.
Get dressed, then go show the pussy to Cerberus, then quickly lead him to the Garden. Cerberus digs up an arm, Stetson loses his hat, and the kitten runs away.
an umbrella. When Cerebus follows you into the Plaza (Underworld) (see pussy), one of the Grahams drops his umbrella.
At the Riverbank, give the bone to Charon. He gratefully replaces his old femur with this new one and lets you board his skiff.
a duck call. It's on a countertop in the Kitchen (Mantua).
At the Little Pond, blow the duck call to summon a duck.
a rusty saw blade. It's in a bush in Prionia (Macedonia).
Cut the pines (also in Prionia) to obtain a walking stick.
a walking stick. In Prionia (Macedonia), cut the pines with the saw blade to obtain a walking stick.
You must have a walking stick to successfully travel from either Skala or Perilous Ledge to the Summit; otherwise, you die.
a Stiffy Makane figurine. It's on the Great Table, but face down in a Scottish lake.
As Eris, take the figurine. After you satisfy Argus, put Stiffy in Hades.
As Stiffy, you don't dare take the figurine. The game will abruptly end if you do.
Score
During the prologue, the response to SCORE is:
Now is not, in fact, the time to reminisce about your past conquests, many and varied though they be.
During the main game, the response to SCORE is:
[One of these lines, as appropriate:]
You have not scored with anyone.
You have scored once: [with whom].
You have scored a total of number times: [list of with whom].
During your mortal life, you scored a total of number times: [list of with whom].
[If you screwed Argus, add this line:] And then of course there was Argus, in a category of his own.
[If you're a pumpkin, add this line:] Finally, while you were an immortal pumpkin, you scored XXX more times.
Your maximum mortal score is 19. I'm unsure what your maximum immortal score is, but it's easy to get more than a thousand.
Here's a list of with whom (or what) you can score:
with Julius Caesar(@ Curia Steps, Rome)
with Julia(@ Phallus Interior, Rome)
with the Golden Apple(@ Altar of Eris, Rome)
with Festus(@ Peristyle, Ostia)
with Gaius Norbanus Flaccus(@ the baths, Ostia)
with Mr. Eugenides(@ Eugenidean Boudoir, Alexandria)
with Cleopatra(@ Cleopatra's Boudoir, Alexandria)
with Alexander the Great's corpse(@ Soma Mausoleum, Alexandria)
with Rachel(@ Judaean Brothel, Judaea)
with Archie(@ Polyphemus Brothel, Syracuse)
with Dr. Nick(@ Clinic, Carthage)
with a muskmelon(@ Melon Patch, Africa)
with an effeminate Greek pirate(@ Captain's Cabin, pirate ship)
with the Druidic priestess(@ Druidic Grove, Scotland)
with Tiresias(@ Little Thebes, Underworld)
with Persephone(@ Palace, Underworld)
with Ulpia(@ Shadowy Nook, Mantua)
with Trivia(@ Summit, Olympus)
And then of course there was Argus, in a category of his own.(@ Grand Palace, Olympus)
When you're playing as Eris, this the response to SCORE, before screwing Argus:
Your lovers have been so many and varied that it's hopeless to try to recall them all. Some particularly memorable ones: [list of five lovers].
Eris's lovers are randomly constructed from four parts like a madlib. Part one is one of these adjectives:
a brazen
a cynical
a dizzyingly proficient
a drunken
an enthusiastic if unskilled
an extravagantly tattooed
a forgetful
a fumblingly amorous
a haughty
a loutish and unwashed
a meek
a red-faced and enraged
a saucy
a slovenly
a terrifying yet sexy
a wanton
Part two is one of these noun phrases:
Bthuvian Demon Whore
boar hunter
courtesan
freed slave
gigolo
goatherd
lesser godling
minor diety
noble
satyr
strumpet
survivor of Plataea
tart
trull
wandering musician
wench
Part three is one of these descriptors:
by the name of Lydia
called Latro
called Xanthippos
from Clan Bledsaw
from Moldavia
inauspiciously named Smegmathos
named Glaucon
named Gygaxia
named Hargrave
of House Arneson
too overawed to speak
who remained anonymous
whose name you never learned
with a heart of gold
with a mysterious past
with no name
And part four is one of these charming boinking locales:
atop a moss-grown abandoned altar in a forest
behind an overturned tavern table
high up in a ship's rigging
in a cold and fast-running stream
in a Pleasure Prison
in a rowboat on a pond
in a spooky graveyard
in a stone tower by the sea
in an arctic wasteland
in the moonlight
in the muck of a pig-pen
in the town square in broad daylight
in the western reaches of Arduin
on a bed of linden leaves
on Level N of the Dungeons Of Dread
on the slopes of Mt. Etna
Finally, when you're playing as Eris, this the response to SCOREafter she screws Argus:
Your lovers have been so many and varied that it's hopeless to try to recall them all. Some particularly memorable ones: Argus, Argus, Argus, Argus, and Argus.
Disclaimer: AIF walkthroughs are not part of my Patreon or Ko-Fi
As you may know from looking at other walkthroughs on this site, I have Patreon and Ko-Fi accounts where I ask my patrons to help support me financially in my efforts in crafting verbose walkthroughs for works of interactive fiction. However, this walkthrough is free because I will not charge for walkthroughs based on adult IF. I suspect most of my patrons do not want their names associated with adult IF in any way, so AIF walkthroughs just won't ever be part of my Patreon or Ko-Fi. I still want to write the occasional AIF walkthrough, like this one, though, so I'm adding a disclaimer here.
