Key & Compass presents:
In The House of Professor Evil: The HAM HOUSE
by S. John Ross

• Map
• Walkthrough
• Extras
  • Characters, Credits, Endings, Inventory, Score
• Thank You to my Patreon supporters
• Support me on Ko-Fi
• External links:
  • This game at IFDB, and IFWiki.
  • Tweet about this walkthrough on Twitter.

Map

Walkthrough

Cell

CAUTION: You're on a timer. If you don't win the game in 45 turns or less, you will lose.

Because of the limited time, this walkthrough will be a bit more brief than I would prefer. I'll let you know what I'm skipping over.

> x me. i. x stick. x roll. x cloak. x Evil.

> x toe. eat toe.

> u. s.

Front Yard (In The Rain)

CAUTION: You will die if you go south into traffic.

Also, the descriptions of the rain and mailbox aren't interesting, so I'm skipping that. Also, you can read the leaflet without taking it.

> x cars. open mailbox. read leaflet.

> n. n.

Kitchen

You can't open the fridge at this time. Also, you'll die if you eat the poison cake. Don't eat the cake.

> x fridge. x panel. x cake. x mitt.

> wear mitt.

> s. w.

Bedroom

I'm ignoring the bedroom and bathroom. The bed has blankets. You cannot take the blankets. Nothing is under the bed.

The bathroom to the south has a toilet, a sink, and a bottle of very deadly poison, none of which you need to do anything with.

> u.

Attic

You must be wearing the oven mitt to be able to take the transponder safely.

> x cage. x transponder. take it.

> n.

Cage Interior

There's nothing here but the smell of emu.

> smell.

Head back to the fridge:

> s. d. e. n.

Kitchen

If you have the transponder, you can open the fridge.

> open fridge.

> x ham. smell ham. touch ham. kiss ham. taste ham.

> eat ham. (+100)

*** DUDE. HAM. ***

Extras

Characters

This is really a solo adventure, but for completeness's sake:

• Professor Evil is dead. His body is in the cell with you, and there's no explanation why.
• The big ham is psychic (according to the ABOUT text) and wants you to eat it. Which you should do. But it's not like you can talk to it or interact with it as if it were a person. Well, you can try.

The game also mentions a lot of people via its frequent atmospheric messages:

• Your great-great-grandmother tells you, in a vision, to eat ham.
• Random groups doing random things. The groups include, but are probably not limited to: an amateur theater company, a biker-gang, a Boy Scout troop, cable-company techs, door-to-door salesmen, elderly matrons, escaped lunatics, firemen, garbage-collectors, gardeners, ghosts of Professor Evil's pets, giggling ninja girls, latter-day druids, a local street-gang, men, mercenaries, muay-thai boxers, murderous thugs, noisy drunks, off-duty mimes, passers-by, passing ham-salesmen, plumbers, police, Professor Evil's escaped laboratory subjects, a restless mob, rival mad scientists, rival postmen, rogue guidance counselors, a scouting party from Planet Nobulax, skateboarders, street crewmen, street musicians, superheroes, surly tax assessors, tiny robots, toddlers, worried-sounding senior citizens, a vigilante group, and several mutated highly-intelligent emu.

Credits

The response to ABOUT or CREDITS is:

The premise of this very short adventure is that you're in a house ruled by an (evil?) psychic ham. If the ham wins, so do you.

Type Version for the technical details. I created the game with Inform 7 (it's my very first total-newbie micro-speed IF, created within the first few days of downloading Inform and poking into the documentation), with extra thanks to my wife, Sandra Ross, for testing assistance and encouragement, and to ab0di and Emily Short for so patiently answering some of my desperate pleas for assistance and/or attention. I can be reached for comment at email redacted and you can see more of my work (most of it for pen-and-paper RPGs) by Googling up my name. I'm a whore; I'm all over the place. An IF newbie is born! We'll see where I go from here ... (Uresia, of course!)

Endings

• YOU HAVE DIED (FROGGER STYLE)
• if you walk out into the busy street.
• YOU HAVE DIED.
• if you eat the piece of poison cake.
• if you drink the bottle of very deadly poison.
• YOUR BRAIN IMPLODES FROM HAM-NEED. YOU HAVE DIED.
• if you go 45 turns without eating any ham.
• DUDE. HAM.
• if you take or eat the big ham.

Inventory

• a walking stick. You're carrying it.
• Ignore it.
• a slightly dry dinner roll. You're carrying it.
• Eat it or ignore it.
• a cloak. You're wearing it.
• Ignore it.
• a leaflet. It's in the mailbox in the front yard.
• Read it, but it won't help you.
• a piece of poison cake. It's on the kitchen counter.
• CAUTION: If you eat it, you die.
• Ignore the cake.
• an oven mitt. It's on the kitchen counter.
• Wear it. Now you can safely take the transponder.
• a bottle of very deadly poison. It's on the bathroom sink.
• CAUTION: If you drink it, you die.
• Ignore the bottle.
• a black transponder. It's in the attic.
• CAUTION: Taking the transponder without precautions will teleport you back into the cell.
• First put on the oven mitt. Now you can safely take the transponder without being transported.
• Bring the transponder into the kitchen. The transponder is somehow the key that unlocks the fridge, just by its proximity. You can open the fridge if you have the transponder.

Honorable mention:

• a toe. It's part of you.
• It's not ham. Seriously, no, you can't eat it.
• a big ham. It's in the kitchen refrigerator.
• Unlock the fridge by carrying the transponder into the kitchen with you.
• Take or eat the big ham to win the game. Eating is better.

Score

The response to SCORE is:

You have so far scored your-score out of a possible 100, in 15 turns, earning you the rank of ranking.

Points are awarded as follows:

• 99 points for taking the big ham, ending the game.
• 100 points for eating the big ham, ending the game.

The possible rankings are:

• Man Without a Ham. (0 points)
• Badass With a Big Ham. (99 points)
• Ultimate Badass With a Big Ham. (100 points)

Thank You to my Patreon supporters

This walkthrough is provided free of charge since the work it's based on has less than fifteen locations. Please consider it a thank you for your support!

I create larger walkthroughs too! Please visit my Patreon account if you're interested in helping me create more interactive fiction walkthroughs. I appreciate all the help I can get! Thanks again.

Ko-Fi is a way to send me small one-time donations. Every little bit helps, and thank you!