In this absurd horror-comedy, you were making a cheese sammich when Cthulhu summons you to her throne room deep below your home. She tells you that Fishmas, the Time of Giving, is nigh. She orders you to give Cthulhu the largest, stinkiest fish in Cthulhu's Great Realm. Now begone! Fetch it, Human! There shall be much Fishmas Cheer!
This solution is by David Welbourn. I used Winarun version 3.0beta6-1772 to play this game.
SPOILERS AHEAD. Reading a walkthrough prematurely can sometimes diminish one's enjoyment of an interactive fiction game. Please make an honest effort to play the game before reading this walkthrough.
Map of Act 2: From some fish-gardens to an egg bog
Map of Act 3: From an egg bog to a lake of 1000 woes
When you get to the actual lake, all the lake-edge locations are replaced by the lake, and there's just a simple northeast-southwest connection between lake and crickets.
Map of Act 4: From a cell to a sandbox
Walkthrough
Act 1: Drooltide Greetings
The Kitchen
> x sammich. take it.
> x knife. take it.
> e.
Your Room
CAUTION: Opening the dresser is fatal.
> x lamp. x dresser. x mattress. x under bed.
> x laundry. x catbox.
Note: You won't be allowed to leave unless you have the sammich and knife.
> d. d. d. d.
Royal Entrance
> x arch. n.
Throne of Great Cthulhu
Cthulhu herself orders you to bring her the largest stinkiest fish in her Great Realm.
CAUTION: Asking Cthulhu about Cthulhu is worse than death.
> x Cthulhu. x throne. x gifts.
> ask Cthulhu about fish.
> s.
Royal Entrance
> x gift. open gift.
A Magical Fishmas Fairy joins your quest.
> x fairy. ask fairy about fairy.
> ask fairy about Cthulhu. ask fairy about fish.
> x door.
> nw —or— open door —or— ask fairy about door.
The fairy unlocks the door and you enter...
Act 2: All Of The World In Sin And Fear Abiding
Royal Fish-Gardens
> x force. x scales. x gnome. x catnip.
> ask fairy about scales.(Need a sole heavier than a cheese sammich.)
> ask fairy about sole. ask fairy about catnip.
> put sammich on scales.(Sole needed next.)
> sw.
Elder Kitchen
CAUTION: Taking the utensils is fatal.
> x thermometer. take it.
> x utensils. x oven. x menu.
> open oven. look in oven. x butter. x turducken.
> ask fairy about turducken.
> s.
Tomb of Unfortunate Creatures, Level B12: Small Insects Wing
CAUTION: Taking the insects is fatal.
> x holes. x plaque. u.
Tomb of Unfortunate Creatures, Level B11: Things On Strings Wing
> x things. x string. take it.
> x dish. take dish. x sole. take sole.
> ask fairy about sole.
> d. d.
Tomb of Unfortunate Creatures, Level B13: Tuxedo Cats Wing
It's subtle, but you can't make much progress if you don't break the seal here.
> x gargoyles. x crypt. x seal.(Something on underside?)
> ask fairy about seal. ask fairy about crypt.
> ask fairy about Dave.
> break seal. x seal.("Freshne" and "ss Seal")
Return to the scales in the gardens:
> u. n. ne.
Royal Fish-Gardens
> put sole in scales. n.
Tremendous Duct
CAUTION: a fan-blade swings past the north end.
> x concrete. look.
> look.(Repeat looking until the blade is arcing back upwards.)
> n.
Sandbox of Creeping Melancholy
Don't worry about the vent right now.
> u.(Too high up.)
> x sand. x worm. take worm.
Return to the kitchen:
> s. s. sw.
Elder Kitchen
If you have the thermometer, string, and worm, and you also broke the seal (in Tomb Level B13), you should have had the idea by now to automatically assemble a fishing rod from the thermometer, string, and worm. Breaking the seal is an essential step in the fishing-rod-making process; you can't skip it. You make the rod from two to four turns after all the conditions are met.
> x rod. ask fairy about rod.
> take turducken.(If you have the rod, you succeed.)
> s. d. d.
Tomb of Unfortunate Creatures, Level B14: Bottom-Feeding Marine Flatfish Wing
CAUTION: Taking this dish is fatal.
> x coffins. x dish.
> n.
The Egg Bog (south side)
> x bog. ask fairy about bog.
> put rod in bog.(You won't catch many fish in there.)
> x stalactites.
> put turducken in bog.(It angrily carries you across the bog.)
Act 3: Good Tide's In For Fishmas
The Egg Bog (north side)
> n.
Fishy Fishmas Fishery
> x pipes. x pumps. n.
Fungal Grotto
> ne.
Piscine Workshop
> x sacs. x recess. x drumstick.
> ask fairy about sacs.
> ask fairy about drumstick.
> take drumstick.
> ne.
Gallery of Profane Relics
You can't take most of these interesting items except for a jar and a yellow tile.
CAUTION: Taking the mask is fatal.
> x columns. x mask.
> x box.(has four square depressions and inscription)
> ask fairy about case.(Had Dave's Ancient Weapon of Broad Profanity.)
> take tile. take jar.
> nw.
Pink Princess Chambers
CAUTION: Looking under this bed is fatal.
> x kitten.(Has something in its mouth.)
> take it.(The kitten swallows what it had, but that's okay.)
> x mattress. x laundry. x lamp. x dresser.
> open dresser.(You see a Fishmas Wonderland inside.)
> x dollhouse.
> look.(The Wonderland is to the south.)
> s.
Fishmas Wonderland
CAUTION: Eating a Frosted Cadaver without milk is fatal.
CAUTION: Opening the tall cadaver is fatal.
> x tree. x flakes. eat flakes.
> x tall cadaver. x fat cadaver. x crossdresser.
> ask fairy about fat cadaver.
> open fat cadaver.(You get a silver bell.)
> x bell. ring bell.(like an amorous cricket)
> open crossdresser.(empty)
> n. se. ne.
Cookie Larder
CAUTION: Attacking the flour is fatal.
> x flour. x yeast. x oil.
> x mixer.(find a rat hole)
> x hole. put drumstick in hole.
> wait. x hole. take drumstick.
You take the rat as well and immediately thread your fishing line around the drumstick and rat to use as bait.
> ne.
Furnace
> x incinerator. x chestnuts.("Feed Me A Stray Cat")
> put kitten in incinerator.
If you don't close the incinerator, the kitten will just jump out again. How adorable!
> close incinerator. z. z. z. z.
> open incinerator.(The kitten is gone, but it left a lilac tile.)
> take lilac tile. x it.("L")
> sw. sw. se.
Den of Noiseless Crickets
> x crickets.
> ring bell.(A cricket brings you an indigo tile.)
> take indigo tile. x it.("I")
> ne.
Lake of 1000 Woes: southwest
Let's go clockwise around the lake first.
> n. ne.
Lake of 1000 Woes: northwest
> x pudding. ask fairy about pudding.(has a surprise inside)
> take pudding. eat pudding.
> e. se
Lake of 1000 Woes: northeast
You'll deal with this crack soon enough.
> x crack.(could be widened)
> s.
Lake of 1000 Woes: east
> x blood.("Dayv iz a cozmick horr! Grate Cthulhu iz da beast!")
About five turns after eating the pudding, you vomit up and pocket a chipped tile.
> i. x chipped tile.("L")
> sw. w.
Lake of 1000 Woes: south
So, you're playing a human exploring all these underground places. How are you seeing without light? I don't know either. Lose 5 sanity points.
> x mushrooms. take mushrooms.(It crumbles.)
> nw. sw. nw.
Gallery of Profane Relics
Time to open that puzzle box, using Cthulhu's secret name: LILY.
> x box. x depression.(refer to first hole, second hole, chipped hole, or fourth hole)
> put lilac tile in first hole.
> put indigo tile in second hole.
> put chipped tile in chipped hole.
> put yellow tile in fourth hole.
> open box.(It contains a flavor.)
> x flavor. take it.(You need a container.)
> eat relish.(Jar is now empty.)
> take flavor.(using the jar)
All that trouble just to get some pickle seasoning. Return to that crack:
> se. ne. n. ne. e. se.
Lake of 1000 Woes: northeast
> put knife in crack.
The entire wall around the lake collapses and you're now at:
Lake of 1000 Woes
Cthulhu Herself ordered you to get this fish, so I'm sure that "No Fishing" sign doesn't apply to you, right?
> x lake. x sign. x fish.
> put rod in lake.(The fish doesn't like the taste.)
> put flavor in rod.
> put rod in lake.
The fish swallows half the rod, pulling you under. You pass out as something grabs your ankle.
Act 4: Dashing Through The Roe
Cell
> i.(You have the bell, jar, and knife.)
> read graffito. read pamphlet.
> x cot. transform cot. x toilet.
By this time, a hooded figure should have put a cake in your cell before disappearing. I don't know what triggers his appearance.
> x cake. take it.
> eat cake.(You find a skeleton key.)
> w.(You use the key automatically.)
Death Roe
CAUTION: Going southwest into the break room is fatal.
> nw.(locked; see keypad and notice)
> x keypad.(needs a 5-digit code)
> x notice.(the code is the Numbers of the Beast)
> ask fairy about keypad.("Push numbers in the right order.")
> n.
Electrocutioner Chamber
CAUTION: Trying to take the mouse or the paper while the electric chair is powered up is fatal.
NOTE: You can never open the toilet stall here.
> x electric chair. x mouse. x paper.
> x wardrobe.(also an iron maiden)
> x bathtub. x cradle. ask fairy about cradle.
> x wig.(switch found)
> turn off switch.
> x stall. open stall.(It's jammed.)
> take paper.(With switch off, you can do it safely.)
> read paper.(lyrics to 12th day of Fishmas)
Uh, let's look at that graffito in the cell again.
> s. e.
Cell
> x graffito.
The graffito lists these beasts: Olden Things, Creeping Things, Mindless Things with no heads, and Multitudes of dead and dying. Look up those beasts on the paper and record their numbers: 5, 12, 6, and 8.
The code for the keypad is 51268.
> w.
Death Roe
The correct syntax for this keypad was impossible to guess. You have to spell out the digits as words! Most difficult-to-use keypad ever!
> push five. push one. push two.
> push six. push eight. nw.
Evidence Room
> x file. x plate. x catnip.
> x fish. take it.
> se. s.
Maximum Security Sled Run
When you bring the fish here, zombie rats start chasing you!
> d.(using the fish as a sled)
Upper Slopes
Cthulhu's Helpers know you've escaped.
> d.
Bunny Slopes
CAUTION: Going southeast here is fatal.
> sw.
Slopes of Delirium
CAUTION: Going south or southeast from here is fatal.
> sw.
Slopes of Moral Decline
> d.
Slopes Monkey Trail
CAUTION: Giving the banana to the monkey is fatal.
CAUTION: Going down from here while the monkey is alive is fatal.
> x trees. take banana. x it. x monkey.
> ask fairy about monkey.("please not feed animals")
> hit monkey with banana.(It's dead; you throw the banana away.)
> d.
Non-Euclidian Slopes
> sw —or— s —or— e.(You somehow end up back here.)
> u.(This works!)
Slopes of Unseasonal Allergy
CAUTION: Going down from here without nutty breath is fatal.
> x nuts. ask fairy about nuts.
> take nuts.(no, eat 'em or leave 'em)
> eat nuts.
> d.(Your nut-breath makes an attacking polar bear keel over.)
Slopes of Inevitable Mortal Disappointment
CAUTION: Going any cardinal direction but northwest is fatal!
> nw.(You fall through a vent onto some sand...)
Sandbox of Creeping Melancholy
The fish is coated and ready to be fried.
> s. s.
Royal Fish-Gardens
The southwestern exit is blocked by sparks. The iron door has been torn off. Wailing from the throne room!
> se.
Royal Entrance
CAUTION: If you head south and go back up to your room, perhaps on some misguided notion that you need to cook the fish in your kitchen, well... you'll accidentally put the game in an unwinnable state, since you're not allowed to go down from your room without the sammich, and the sammich is gone.
> n.
Throne of Great Cthulhu
You missed a huge battle. You see a dead tuxedo cat and a crushed monocle. You receive the Kiss of Cthulhu.
Hours later, you put the mayo back in the fridge.
THE END
CONGRATULATIONS, and...
MERRY FISHMAS!!!
Extras
Characters
A horror is inside your bedroom dresser. Probably your cat.
Cthulhu summons you to her throne room. She orders you to bring her the largest stinkiest fish in Cthulhu's Great Realm.
A Magical Fishmas Fairy emerges slimily from the suspicious gift at the Royal Entrance. The creature joins your quest as a guide and hint system.
A turducken sits in the Elder kitchen's oven with a butter heap. It seems a bit ill-tempered.
Numerous small insects live in the holes of the Tomb of Unfortunate Creatures, Level B12: Small Insects Wing.
A worm, an enormous tapeworm, lurks in the sand of the sandbox.
Dave, an ancient warrior and foe of Cthulhu, is locked in a crypt in the Tomb of Unfortunate Creatures, Level B13: Tuxedo Cats Wing. He is very likely the hooded figure who gives you a cake when you're in your cell.
A black kitten, the cutest thing ever, frolics on the mattress in the Pink Princess Chambers.
A zombie rat nibbles on the turducken drumstick you give it.
Crickets lurk in their den; you can ring a bell to see one.
Whopping Salmon is the great fish you must bring to Cthulhu. It lives in the Lake of 1000 Woes.
Zombie rats and Cthulhu's Helpers chase you when you escape the prison building.
A sailor monkey leers at you on the Slopes Monkey Trail.
A large polar bear threatens you with a broken cola bottle when you enter its cave.
Also:
There are numerous dead things in this game, like the sole, the Frosted Cadavers and the fur mouse.
There are even more creatures who kill you in several of the losing endings who you'd never see otherwise.
Credits
The response to CREDITS is:
The author, Byron Alexander Campbell, retains the copyright to this game.
This game was written using the ALAN Adventure Language. ALAN is an interactive fiction authoring system by Thomas Nilsson email address: Thomas's email redacted
Further information about the ALAN system can be obtained from the World Wide Web Internet site http://www.welcome.to/alan-if
Endings
There's so many ways to die or lose in this game, but fortunately, UNDO always works and lets you continue playing. The game is Polite on the cruelty scale. I've probably missed several losing endings, but here are the ones that I found:
If you try to open the dresser in your room, an unspeakable horror unscrews your head.)
If you ask Cthulhu about Cthulhu, she recursively tells you.
If you try to eat the catnip, you blow your intestines out through your pants.
If you try to take the cutlery in the Elder kitchen, you manage to stab yourself repeatedly in an outfit made of knives.
If you try to take the insects in the Small Insects Wing, you get stung by a scorpion and die.
If you try to take the purple dish in the Tomb of Unfortunate Creatures, Level B14: Bottom Feeding Marine Flatfish Wing, you find a HIDEOUS DEATH BY TENTACLES.
If you try to go north from Tremendous Duct at the wrong time, a colossal fan blade turns you into an extra layer of red crust.
If you try to eat the worm, you now have worms.
If you try to eat the sand, you learn that mankind was not meant to eat that.
If you try to drink the egg bog, you are a moron.
If you try to take the death mask, you die, unable to breathe.
If you look under the pink bed in the Pink Princess Chambers, a pink tongue licks your skull three times before it crunches. (This is a reference to Tootsie Pop commercials.)
If you attack the flour in the Cookie Larder, you get baked into a cookie.
If you try to eat one of the Frosted Cadavers in the Fishmas Wonderland without any milk, you are horrified.
If you open the tall cadaver, an alien zombie catfish burrows its way into your body.
If you try to enter the break room, monstrosities with jelly-filled donuts render you limb from limb.
If you try to take the paper or mouse on the electric chair, you're electrocuted.
If you try to go southeast from the bunny slopes, genocidal rabbits destroy you.
If you try to go south from the Slopes of Delirium, you ram into gargantuan masonry.
If you try to go southeast from the Slopes of Delirium, janitorial starfish bludgeon you to death with ancient pushbrooms.
If you give the banana to the sailor monkey, it inserts the banana in YOU.
If you try to go down past the sailor monkey, it grabs you and pops your head off.
If you try to go down from the Slopes of Unseasonal Allergy without eating the mixed nuts, an attacking polar bear kills you with a broken cola bottle.
If you try to go north from the Slopes of Inevitable Mortal Disappointment, you are burned alive in the furnace.
If you try to go northeast from the Slopes of Inevitable Mortal Disappointment, you are literally pinched to death by the grandmothers.
If you try to go east from the Slopes of Inevitable Mortal Disappointment, you die from UV radiation, but the fuzzy rodents are still happy.
If you try to go southeast from the Slopes of Inevitable Mortal Disappointment, you fie from the unending smorgasbord you're forced to eat.
If you try to go south from the Slopes of Inevitable Mortal Disappointment, you miss the spikes, but the acid turns your insides to soup.
If you try to go southwest from the Slopes of Inevitable Mortal Disappointment, you'll fall forever with fiends feasting on your flesh.
If you try to go west from the Slopes of Inevitable Mortal Disappointment, your skull implodes from hearing all those high-pitched yips.
There is, of course, one winning ending, where you bring the great fish to Cthulhu in her throne room. She thanks you and rewards you with a Kiss. Wow. Congratulations and Merry Fishmas!
Inventory
Items are listed in the order you encounter them in this walkthrough. There is no carrying capacity limit. Take everything you can!
Once you're carrying something, you won't be able to drop it, although sometimes you do accidentally drop things if you try to put something in something-else that's unexpected. If that happens, pick the thing up again! Leave no inventory behind!
Act 1 items
a sammich. It's in your kitchen.
In the Royal Fish-Gardens, put the sammich in the scales. When both sammich and sole are in the scales, you can go north to Tremendous Duct.
a knife. It's in your kitchen.
At "Lake of 1000 Woes: northeast", put the knife in the crack. This will somehow make the entire inner wall surrounding the lake collapse. The lake is now there and accessible.
Act 2 items
a meat thermometer. It's in the Elder Kitchen.
It's one of three things you need for making a fishing rod.
a turducken. It's in the oven in the Elder kitchen.
When you have the fishing rod, you can take the turducken from the oven.
Put the turducken in the egg bog. It doesn't enjoy dissolving, but it carries you across the bog nonetheless.
a string. It's in the Tomb of Unfortunate Creatures, Level B11.
It's one of three things you need for making a fishing rod.
a sole. It's underneath the dish in the Tomb of Unfortunate Creatures, Level B11.
In the Royal Fish-Gardens, put the sole in the scales. When both sammich and sole are in the scales, you can go north to Tremendous Duct.
a worm. Find it by examining the sand in the Sandbox of Creeping Melancholy.
It's one of three things you need for making a fishing rod.
a fishing rod. You automatically assemble it at most four turns after you acquire the thermometer, string, and worm, plus you must have also broken the seal in the Tomb of Unfortunate Creatures, Level B13. If you never broke the seal, you'll never think of making the fishing rod.
In the Elder Kitchen, you can take the turducken if you're carrying the fishing rod.
In the Cookie Larder, when you take the drumstick and rat from the hole, you automatically attach the drumstick and rat to your rod as bait.
When you have a flavor in the relish jar, put flavor in the rod. This gives the bait some flavor.
At the Lake of 1000 Woes, put the rod in the lake to catch a great fish. Except you're pulled underwater, and you wake up in a Cell. The rod is gone, and the fish is now in the Evidence Room.
Act 3 items
a turducken drumstick. Find it inside a recess in the Piscine Workshop.
In the cookie larder, examine the mixer to find a rat hole. Put the drumstick in the hole. Wait. Take the drumstick (and rat); you'll attach them to your fishing rod as bait.
a relish jar. It's in the Gallery of Profane Relics.
First, eat the relish so you have an empty jar.
After you correctly place all four tiles into the puzzle box's depressions (they spell LILY), open the box to find a flavor. Take the flavor, using the jar to hold it.
After you've baited the fishing rod (see drumstick), put flavor in the rod to give the bait some flavor.
a yellow tile. Find it by examining the shattered glass case in the Gallery of Profane Relics.
Examine it: it's about the letter "Y".
In the Gallery of Profane Relics, put the yellow tile in the fourth hole of the puzzle box.
a black kitten. It's in the Pink Princess Chambers.
Take it. It swallows something, but that's okay.
At the Furnace, put the kitten in the incinerator, then close the incinerator so it can't jump out. Wait several turns until all signs of cute kitten movement cease. Open the furnace and take the lilac tile that the kitten left behind.
a silver bell. Acquire it by opening the fat cadaver in Fishmas Wonderland.
In the Den of Noiseless Crickets, ring the bell. A cricket brings you an indigo tile.
a lilac tile. The kitten leaves it in the incinerator for you.
Examine it: it's about the letter "L".
In the Gallery of Profane Relics, put the lilac tile in the first hole of the puzzle box.
a indigo tile. Find it by ringing the bell in the Den of Noiseless Crickets; a cricket brings the tile to you.
Examine it: it's about the letter "I".
In the Gallery of Profane Relics, put the indigo tile in the second hole of the puzzle box.
a fishmas chum pudding. It's at the Lake of 1000 Woes: northwest.
Eat the pudding. About five turns later, you vomit up the chipped tile that was hidden inside it.
a chipped tile. You vomit it into your hands five or so turns after eating the chum pudding.
Examine it: it's about the letter "L".
In the Gallery of Profane Relics, put the chipped tile in the chipped hole of the puzzle box.
Act 4 items
a Drool Logged Cake. A hooded figure puts the cake in your cell after you've spent several turns there.
The key unlocks your jail cell, but the cell door wasn't coded. Just go west from the cell to leave, or east from Death Roe to re-enter your cell.
a Twelve Days of Fishmas. In the electrocution chamber, it's the rolled paper that the fur mouse on the electric chair is holding.
Examine the wig (or the insult machine) to find the wall switch. Turn the switch off to turn off the power to the electric chair. Now you can safely take the paper.
Read the paper. Also read the notice in Death Roe and read the graffito in the Cell. The notice tells you that you need the Numbers of the Beasts; the graffito tells you which beasts and in which order; and the paper tells you which numbers go with each beast.
Olden things are 5. Creeping things are 12. Mindless things with no heads are 6. Dead and dying are 8. The full code number is 51268.
To actually input that code on the keypad, push the digits one at a time, but spell out the numbers: PUSH FIVE. PUSH ONE. PUSH TWO. PUSH SIX. PUSH EIGHT.
a great fish. After your fishing misadventure (see fishing rod), the fish is now in the Evidence Room; see Twelve Days of Fishmas on how to get in there.
When you leave the prison with the fish, zombie rats will force you to use the fish as a sled until you arrive at the Sandbox of Creeping Melancholy. There, the fish will automatically be coated and seasoned. Return to the throne room with the fish. Cthulhu will accept it and give you a Kiss.
a banana. At the Slopes Monkey Trail, take a banana from one of the banana trees.
Hit the monkey with the banana to kill it. You throw away the banana afterwards.
CAUTION: If you give the banana to the monkey, the monkey kills you with the banana in a rather rude way.
the support of Robin Johnson, Ville Lavonius, Andrew Schultz, Kenneth Hon, Carl Muckenhoupt, Mark Musante, Phil Tatro, Mitch, Vivienne Dunstan, and Peter Berman;
the generous support of Janice M Eisen, Matthew Foxley, and Thomas Insel;
