Key & Compass presents:
Unscientific Fiction
by Tom Tervoort

Unscientific Fiction is a Glulx interactive fiction game written with Inform 7 and is © 2008–2009 by Tom Tervoort. (Note that Release 1 was a Z-machine game.)

In this silly space opera, you play as an Earthling kidnapped by aliens. Your intelligence impresses them so much that you are promoted to be an advisor, but your first piece of advice kills them all. So the ship's computer puts your brains into a robot body so you can fulfill the Prime Commander's last wish: to push the big red button that will destroy the universe! Geepers.

This solution is by David Welbourn, and is based on Release 2 of the game.


Map 1: Cell and Mushroomland

in MysteriousRooma.k.a. Cell NorthMushroom-land WestMushroom-land OutsideTemple ofMushrooms EastMushroom-land SouthMushroom-land Temple ofMushrooms instantdeath ComputerRoom out Darkness MoreDarkness Good ol'Darkness

Map 2: SS Blearch, 1F

s push 3f ComputerRoom Some kindof roomnorthof thelaboratory 1FPassage RecreationCenter 1FJunction Laboratory Escalator enter vent push 1F button push b1f Kitchen(2F) 3FPassage EngineRoom

Map 3: SS Blearch, 2F

RecreationCenter(1F) MysteriousRoom enter vent DeadEnd 2FPassage Kitchen 2FJunction Canteen

Map 4: SS Blearch, 3F

push 3f push 1f button AnnoyingMaze Tomb Cockpit Office Mazeentrance Bathroom 3FPassage 3FJunction Escalator s push b1f 1FJunction EngineRoom

Map 5: SS Blearch, B1F

push b1f push 1f button 1FJunction 3FJunction s push 3f Hold Inside theEngine EngineRoom FuelTank Escalator

Map 6: Final Confrontation with Lucy

Finalconfrontation ComputerRoom(Northwesterncorner) ComputerRoom(Center) ComputerRoom(Southeasterncorner) ComputerRoom(Behind Lucy) Yourhometown(Earth)



Mysterious Room / Cell

> x door. x poster. x toilet. x carpet.

> open door. (Can't.)

> xyzzy. (Nothing happens.)

> take poster. put it in toilet.

> z. z. z. z. (Blast of water from the floor.)

> x pool. x bag. x hand.

> take bag. z. z. (A tentacled blob creature enters and sucks your brains out.)

Chapter 1 - Computers and Mushrooms


> i. (Can't move.)

> think. think. think. think. think.

> think. (You hear the voice of a computer, "Lucy", sentence you, "research subject number 848930", to the worst possible punishment for ruining your cell.)

> think. (Lucy tells you that you can avoid punishment by answering an impossibly difficult question.)

> think. (Lucy asks you the question.)

> answer 1 to Lucy. (Lucy puts you into hibernation; your surroundings change.)

? / North Mushroomland

> x man. x hat. x signpost. x mushrooms.

> take hat. (He doesn't notice, and has another underneath.)

> sw.

West Mushroomland

> x fungus. (angry and aggressive)

> hit fungus. x point.

> x statue. (Dedicated to King Shroom XIV; buy a miniature!)

> e.

Outside Temple of Mushrooms

> x muscled guy. in. (He blocks you; you need an artifact.)

> x lumberjack. x tree. (The tree blocks south.)

> ask lumberjack about tree. (He needs spell experience.)

> give point to lumberjack. (He levels up, removes the tree, and leaves.)

> e.

East Mushroomland

> x shop. x toad.

> x booth. open it. x telephone. x book.

> take book. read book.

> x paper. smell it. (Like lemons.)

> buy miniature. (Costs €1000.) x it.

> w. s.

South Mushroomland

> x shape. x glue. take it.

> x machine. open it. take lemon.

> put paper in machine.

> x machine. ("CALL EDNA 0573924512")

> take paper.

> n. e.

East Mushroomland

> enter booth. call edna. (A crate is delivered to North Mushroomland.)

> out. nw.

North Mushroomland

The crate falls on your head.

More Darkness

Lucy asks what else can a custard pudding taco cook make? Answer with any food you like.

> answer pizza to lucy.

North Mushroomland

> take money. x it. se.

East Mushroomland

> buy miniature. w. in.

Temple of Mushrooms

> x west hieroglyphs. (Use and combine cleverly.)

> x east hieroglyphs. x extinquisher. take it.

> x fountain. x liquid. x helium. (Yes, it's liquid helium.)

> x altar. (Balance the scales without removing the rock to win!)

> x scales. (Right scale is heavier.)

> x right scale. x rock.

> x left scale. x rope. take rope.

> stand on left scale. ("Thou shalst not cheat!")

Remove the hat if you're wearing it.

> put liquid in hat. (There's a hole.)

> glue paper to hole. (Fixed hat!)

> put liquid in hat.

> z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. (After 8 turns, the hat becomes a helium balloon; you automatically tie the rope to it.)

You need to attach the helium balloon to the rock to make it lighter and put five items on the left scale to make the scales balance. Alas, the easter egg, if you have it, can't be put on the scales at all.

CAUTION: Don't put the miniature on the scale then rush out of the temple to get something else; you won't be able to get back inside here.

> tie balloon to rock.

> put book on left scale.

> put extinguisher on left scale.

> put miniature on left scale.

> put lemon on left scale.

> put glue on left scale. (The scales balance!)

Good ol' Darkness

Lucy tells you that your bad food advice killed everyone on the ship, so it's up to you to push the big red button that will destroy the universe.

Lucy also puts your brains into a humanoid robot so you can explore the ship. Why Lucy can't push the button herself is probably a question you should keep to yourself.

Chapter 2 - Exploring the Ship

Computer Room

> look. x lucy. (Feel free to ask Lucy about stuff.)

> x console. x button. x door.

> ask lucy about lucy. ask lucy about ss blearch.

> ask lucy about warp speed. ask lucy about great galactic army.

> ask lucy about prime commander. ask lucy about lucyclopedia.

> ask lucy about red keycard. (Lucy prints one for you.)

> take card. x it. ask lucy about keycard.

> ask lucy about yellow keycard. ask lucy about blue keycard.

> open door. s.

1F Passage

> x map. (You're in the Pleiyogohit system of the Mruph galaxy.)

> s.

1F Junction

> x star. x socket. (Escalator button is missing.)

> x west door. (Red.) x east door. (Blue.)

> open west door. w.

Recreation Center

> x sofa. x table. (Has drawer.)

> open drawer. take screwdriver. x it.

> x lava lamp. take it.

> x window.

> sit on sofa. (Find a remote.)

> take remote. x it. stand.

> x television. turn it on. x tv.

> use remote on tv. (Use "change channel to [number]".)

> change channel to 1. (Tentacle wrestling.)

> change channel to 2. (Cake cooking show.)

> change channel to 3. (Galactic news.)

> change channel to 4. (You are directed to an air vent.)

> x air vent. (Nailed shut.)

> change channel to 5. (Luxembourg news.)

> change channel to 6. (S. Korean Starcraft matches.)

> change channel to 7. (Warning about pizza, or whatever food you answered.)

> change channel to 8. (Need a subscription to go beyond 0 to 7.)

> change channel to 0. (TV noise.)

> turn off tv.

> pull vent. (That worked?)

> x vent. enter vent.


> smell. x cabinet. open cabinet.

> x salt. x pepper. x ketchup. (empty bottle)

> x cheese. x polonium. take polonium.

> x microwave.

> x sink. x pan. x dish. x hose.

> wash pan. (No water.)

Temporarily, make the red card act like a yellow one! (Forgive me, but I've quite forgotten how you've supposed to figure out that temperature changes in a keycard might change how they work.)

You might note that I'm also taking advantage of using "open" to both unlock and open a door in one command. It makes these pesky doors slightly easier to deal with, especially since the "open" command can check if I have a suitable keycard or not without me needing to specify which keycard.

> open microwave. put keycard in microwave.

> close microwave. turn it on. open it.

> take keycard. open door. sw.


> x cup. take cup. (Can't.)

> x wine bottle. take it.

> x coolbox. open it. x grog. take grog. (Can't; frozen to box.)

> close coolbox.

> x vending. hit it.

> open red door. w.

2F Junction

Spoiler: The elevator door on this floor will never open.

> x button. push it. (Door jammed?)

> take button.

> n.

2F passage

Lucy warns you to stop: the floor is electrified because a berserk guard robot is to the north.

> x floor. s. e.


Unfortunately, this yellow door keeps closing and needs to be reopened every time. Fortunately, a cold red keycard works as well as a hot red keycard in unlocking a yellow door.

> open coolbox. put keycard in it. close box.

> open box. take keycard.

> open yellow door. ne.


> enter vent. e.

1F Junction

> put button in socket. push button. s.


> x keypad. (Buttons: B1F, 1F, 2F, and 3F.)

> push 2f. (Prohibited due to pizza leekage.)

> push 3f.

3F Junction

> open red door. n.


> x desk. x typewriter. x paperwork.

> open drawer. x flashlight. take it.

> turn it on. (Needs a radiation source.)

> open flashlight. put polonium in it. (Note: you can't close the flashlight.)

> x stapler. take it.

> x fuse box. (Don't open it; it's live.)

> s.

3F Junction

> push button. s.


> push b1f.

Engine Room

> x portal. x cart. x detergent. x mop.

> take mop. take detergent. w.

Inside the Engine

> x outlet. (In ceiling, just out of reach.)

> w. (Lucy stops you; you must return to the computer room.)

> e. (You can't move. Steam hisses.)

> x steam.

> put mop in steam. put mop in outlet. (You're recharged.)

> w.


> x boxes. x chest. open it. x message.

> x crowbar. take it.

> e. e.

Engine Room

Head back to the canteen. (Note: Because of a bug, you can't simply type "push 1f" in the Escalator. Somehow the game thinks that's the same as "push 1f door", which apparently is the door inside the Escalator.)

> push button. s. push 1f button. w. enter vent.


I assume the microwave is still open.

> put keycard in microwave. close microwave. turn it on.

> open microwave. take keycard.

> open yellow door. sw.


I assume the coolbox is still open.

> put keycard in coolbox. close coolbox.

> open coolbox. take card. w.

2F Junction

> open yellow door. w.

Darkness / Mysterious Room

> turn on flashlight. x grue. (It runs away.)

> x crate. (Glued, stapled, taped, screwed, and nailed shut.)

> use stapler on crate. (Staples removed.)

> use screwdriver on crate. (Screws removed.)

> use detergent on crate. (Glue removed.)

> take tape. (Tape removed.) x tape.

> use crowbar on crate. (It's open.)

> look in crate. x boots. take boots. wear boots.

> e. n. n. (The boots protect us from the electrified floor.)

Dead End

> turn off flashlight.

> x wallet. take it. open it.

> x yellow keycard. take it. (Note that it's shiny; this is important later.)

> s. (Blocked by a robot who wants to see your ticket.)

> x robot. hit robot. s. (It still blocks you.)

There's no ticket. Show it anything else.

> show wallet to robot. (The robot explodes.)

> s. s. e.


> hit vending (with crowbar). x juice.

Now that we have an actual yellow keycard, we can stop zapping and freezing the red keycard. Head to the 3rd floor:

> open yellow door. ne. enter vent. e. push button. s. push 3f.

3F Junction

> open yellow door. e.

Maze entrance

> x monster. x sign.

> talk to monster. (It wants a drink.)

> give wine to blob. (It refuses; against its religion.)

> give juice to blob. (It accepts and goes north; follow him!)

> n.

Annoying maze

Follow the blob:

> ne. w. nw. x sign. n.

> smell. e.


> x urinal. x mirror. x gps.

> take gps. (Oops. You accidentally drop it in the toilet, that flushes it...)

> w. (You traverse the maze automatically.)

Maze entrance

Return to the kitchen:

> s. push button. s. push 1f button. w. enter vent.


> x puddle. x gps. take it. x gps.

Head back to the maze:

> enter vent. e. push button. s. push 3f. e.

Maze entrance

> n. (You follow the GPS directions.)


> w. (Again, following the GPS.)


> x portrait. x coffin. x pedestal.

> use detergent on pedestal. (Removes the graffiti.)

> x pedestal. (Open coffin with a red light emitting key from the 1970's.)

> put lava lamp on pedestal. (Coffin opens!)

> x coffin.

> x blue keycard. take it.

> x purple dust. (Remains of the Prime Commander.)

> e.

The GPS dies and you're forced to wander aimlessly. You re-meet the alien in the maze, return its GPS and get a diary and pen. You make a diary entry and exit the maze.

Chapter 3 - Baking a Cake

Maze entrance

> x pen. x diary. s.

3F Junction

> open blue door. w.

3F Passage

> x terminal. put blue keycard in terminal.

> put tape on terminal. (Unfotunately, the DNA on the tape isn't from a high-enough ranking officer. You automatically take the tape and keycard back.)

> e. push button. s. push 1f button.

1F Junction

> open blue door. e.


> x table. x pipette. x flask.

> x yellow potion. x blue potion.

> x agotron. (It rapidly ages things.)

> x electromagnet. turn on electromagnet. (It attracts the blue keycard!)

> take electromagnet.

> x washbasin.

> n.

Some kind of room north of the laboratory

> x window. x body. (It's you!)

> x basket.

> x yellow buttonorx red buttonorx green button.

As near as I can tell, the three buttons are actually coded as a single button, so it doesn't matter which button you push or in what order.

> push yellow button. push green button. push red button.

Boo, your body is destroyed. Yay, the basket is now on this side of the window.

> look in basket.

> take bag. x it. look in bag. x hand. (Remember this from the prologue?)

> take ham. x ham.

Return to the security terminal on 3F:

> s. w. push button. s. push 3f. w.

3F Passage

> put blue keycard in terminal.

> put bag on terminal. (Now it wants the 2nd officer's blue keycard.)

> turn on electromagnet. (You get the card back.)

> put blue keycard in terminal.

> put tape on terminal. (The important door opens!)

> n.

Cockpit / Board computer / Main Menu

You have 6 options to choose from.

:\> 3 (Ship status: Fuel tank is torn and empty.)

:\> 4


This submenu has 4 options:

:\> 1 (You read 2 received messages.)

:\> 2 (You read 1 sent message.)

:\> 3 (You read 1 spam message: "the cake is a lie", ask lucy.)

:\> 4 (Return to main menu)

Main Menu

:\> 5

Miscellaneous options

This submenu has 4 options:

:\> 1 (Honk does nothing.)

:\> 2 (Wipers do nothing.)

:\> 3 (Fuel tank is now open.)

:\> 4 (Return to main menu)

Main Menu

:\> 2

Set a destination

You can try typing in other planet names, if you like, and get a random reason why you can't go there.

:\> earth

Main menu

No point in trying to travel yet without fuel.

:\> 6

3F Passage

Well, let's go ask GLaDOS Lucy about cake, shall we?

> e. push button. s. push 1f button. n. n.

Computer Room

> ask lucy about cake. (It's rocket fuel!)

> ask lucy about cake recipe. (Go watch TV.)

> s. s. w.

Recreation Center

> turn on tv. change channel to 2. (You write down the recipe.)

> turn off tv. enter vent.


Pick up a few items for the cake:

> take pan. take all dishes. take salt. take pepper.

Then head to the laboratory:

> enter vent. e. e.


To make a cake, we'll need the pan, all the dirty dishes, the wine, the detergent, the ham, the crowbar, the working flashlight, the tape, the boots, salt, pepper, and the mop. If you don't have any of those things, go get them.

> put pan on table. x recipe.

Add porcelain and pizza:

> put 51 dishes in pan. ("Put all dishes in pan" will also work but generates fifty (or so) ugly messages about not being able to reach into North Mushroomland that don't make any sense. And, unfortunately, the game gives a misleading response if you try to add the dishes one at a time. Note that you have one dish left over.)

Add wet ingredients:

> break wine bottle. take cork. x it.

> take pipette. use pipette on wine. use pipette on pan.

> use pipette on yellow potion. x pipette. (Red + yellow = orange.)

> use pipette on pan.

> use pipette on washbasin. put pipette on table.

> put detergent in pan.

Use the Agotron to get bone, iron oxide, and lead:

> open agotron. put ham in it. close agotron.

> open agotron. again. take bone. x bone. put bone in pan.

> put crowbar in agotron. close agotron.

> open agotron. take rust. x rust. put rust in pan.

> open flashlight. put polonium in agotron. close agotron.

> open agotron. take lead. x lead. put lead in pan.

Other dry ingredients:

> put tape in pan.

> remove boots. put boots in pan.

> put salt in pan.

> put pepper in pan.


> put mop in agotron. close agotron.

> open agotron. take mop. (The mop is now dry.)

> use mop on pan.

> take pan.

Head to kitchen:

> w. w. enter vent.


I assume the microwave is still open from heating up the red keycard.

> put pan in microwave. close microwave. turn it on.

Bye, microwave. Hello, cake.

> x cake. take cake.

Head to the fuel tank with cake and cork:

> enter vent. e. push button. s. push b1f. e.

Fuel Tank

♫ Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, dear Fuel Tank! Happy birthday to you! ♫

> x hole. put cork in hole.

> drop cake.

Return to the cockpit and main menu:

> w. push button. s. push 3f. w. n.

Main menu

:\> 5

Miscellaneous options

:\> 3 (Fuel tank closed.)

:\> 4

Main menu

:\> 3 (All systems OK.)

:\> 1 (Heading for Earth.)



The power is off. Assuming we're still at Cockpit:

> s. e. e.

Maze entrance

> talk to blob. (It wants food.)

> give dish to blob. (It dies.)

> x lantern. take it. s. n.


> open fuse box. (Power is restored.)

> s.

3F Junction

Lucy demands you come to the computer room now. All doors not leading there are locked.

> s. push 1f button. n. n.

Final confrontation

In this fight to the death, you can't waste turns.

> use mop on gun. (You knock the gun out of the robot arm's hand.)

> use yellow keycard on laser. (You reflect the attack; the laser explodes.)

> take gun. shoot missle. (Lucy gets a chainsaw.)

> shoot elbow. (If you examine the robot arm, you note the elbow as a weak point.)

*** You have been decapitated. ***

Except you're not dead! Your head is at...

Computer Room (Northwestern corner)

Your head will be batted between three locations (Northwestern corner, Southeastern corner, and Center) until you manage to defeat Lucy.

> z. (Lucy bats your head to...)

Computer Room (Southeastern corner)

A loose, long, live wire is here.

> take wire. z. (Wait until head moved to the next location.)

Computer Room (Center)

Your gun and a loose bullet are here.

I'm probably not supposed to be able to carry both the wire and the bullet in my mouth at the same time, but I'm doing it anyway since it works.

> take bullet. z. (Wait until head moved to next location.)

Computer Room (Behind Lucy)

There's a round computer port here.

> put bullet in port.

> use wire on bulletorput wire in port. (Lucy reboots and lets you order her about.)

Your hometown (Earth)

You have a brand-new improved body and lots of money!

*** You have won ***

Note: There's a secret code message if you win! If you follow its instruction in the named location, you can obtain an easter egg. I didn't find anything interesting to do with it, however.

Losing endings

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