Key & Compass presents:
Stupid Kittens
by Marc Valhara

Stupid Kittens is a Z-machine interactive fiction game written with Inform 6 and is © 2000 by Marc Valhara (as "Pollyanna Huffington"). It was an entry in IF Comp 2000 where it took 44th place.

In this bizarre game, you play as Fuzzles, a stupid kitten. In life, you will be tormented and killed by your owner, a girl named Karen, for the amusement of the internet. In the afterlife, you will be tossed about by offended deities until you're reincarnated in Jennifer Love Hewitt's house with a mission. It won't end well. (Caution: This game contains poop jokes.)

This solution is by David Welbourn, and is based on Release 1 of the game.


In Karen'sRoom WaitingRoom Veterin-arian'sOffice ReceptionStation KittyJail KittyHeaven God'sBasket Buddha'sPlayhouse koan Lounge NextTuesday Bedroom Closet,West End Closet Foyer Kitchen Backyard Basement Alcove In Karen'sRoom (after 2 turns) poop on litter take sock claw drapes e play with dice smell flowers u d u d s s Zero onezerozero one (after 6 turns) (after 11 turns)


In Karen's Room (in the basket)

I don't normally start a walkthrough with commands like these, but trust me, they're appropriate.

> poop on basket. lick butt. x Karen.

Karen puts a live grenade in your basket.

> out. smell arse. x grenade.

Karen takes you to...

Veterinarian's Office (on the examination table)

> x vet. meow. x webcam.

> get off table. w.

Waiting Room

> x can. x dish. x oven.

> s.

Reception Station

> x sign. (Kittens can't read!)

> chase tail.

Karen grabs you and takes you to...

Kitty Jail (on the kitty electric chair)

> x chair. get off chair. (You can't.)

*** You have died ***

Kitty Heaven

> x litter. dig litter.

> poop on litterorpee. (+100)

*** You have won ***


God's Basket

God asks you to pick one tasty treat.

> x God. x tail. x sock. x head.

> take fish head. (This is a winning ending.)

*** Hooray! ***

> undo

> take sock.

God tosses you to...

Buddha's Playhouse

> x Buddha. (He wants you to find your soul.)

> look in me. (Must look in specific orifice.)

> look in ass. take soul. wash soul.

> x drapes. claw drapes.

The Buddha sends you to a koan:


> x kwanzeon. (Can't see it.)

> x totally. take totally. drop everything.

> e. (This works.)


> x Krishna. x men. x Einstein. x couch. x dice.

> claw couch.

> take dice. (Einstein throws you to...)

Next Tuesday

> x angel. x flowers.

> smell flowers.

You're returned to life with a mission: capture Jennifer Love Hewitt.


You'll be doing a whole lot of nothing in this house. You know that, right?

> u.


> x script. take it. s.


> x block. put script on block. (Can't.)

> drop script. w.

Closet, West End

> x shoebox. open it. x art.

> take matchstick. e.


> light matchstick. (You're a cat. You can't plan like that.)

> burn script. drop matchstick. n. d. e.


> take pipe. smoke pipe. drop pipe.

> d.


> x bookshelf. x story. (It's "The Black Cat".)

> s. n. s. n.

> e.


> x bookcart. x thing. (It's a cheese sculpture.)

> eat thing.

> push cart west.


> u. s.


Reality ends to the south?

> s.

Zero one zero zero one

Hidden in the zeroes and ones is: "all of reality is a computer program THe CLeaR LiGHT oF THe VoiD iS aN eXIT To THe SOUTH Go iNTo THe LiGHT FuZZLeS".

> s.


In Karen's Room (in the basket)

Karen says she's deleting you.



> look

** Library error 10 (0,0) **

The game is now broken. On purpose. This is the true end of the game.

> quit






Note that since you're a kitten, you can only carry one thing at a time.

Honorable mention:


You have so far scored your-score out of a possible 100, in several turns.

Thank You to my Patreon supporters

This walkthrough was funded via Patreon with