The story so far: You were a undergraduate in Temporal Physics until a dalliance involving a stolen time machine and cheap champagne got you expelled. Now you work as an assistant to Dr. Bignose, chair of the Temporal Physics Department. Although today's Saturday, he called you at the ungodly hour of noon to do a teeny-weeny favor: come onto campus and deliver an envelope to Dr. Aardvarkbarf. He's sure it won't take too long.
Several puzzles have multiple solutions. And several puzzles are optional, but you won't get full points unless you solve the optional puzzles as well.
Violence is often the answer. (The other answer is open drawer; there's a lot of desk drawers in this game.)
There is a bulk inventory limit. Fortunately, you don't need to pick up everything that you find, and except for the hunger issue, time isn't much of a problem either. The best place to cache unwanted items isn't obvious since there's no good central location, but I suggest dumping things either at the base of the tree, or beside the vending machine in the Anthropology Building.
If you play long enough, you will need to eat a sandwich every 500 turns. Yes, this is silly, and it's the only reason why the sandwiches are in the game. There are four sandwiches. Ignore them or stockpile them in a cache until you get hungry, then eat one.
Often, the game won't accept up or down but insists that you use climb up something or climb down something instead.
The only reason why the quest might be considered obscene is that one puzzle requires you to take off your clothes. However, the game makes no snarky or risqué comments about your nudity at any time. In fact, you can doff your clothes right from the beginning and wander about the campus starkers for the entire game and never notice any difference. The campus is deserted and the game doesn't care.
Your Office
Your task is to deliver an envelope to Dr. Aardvarkbarf's office. The envelope ought to be in Dr. Bignose's desk drawer. Aardvarkbarf's office ought to be in the Admissions Building, unless he's moved. The key ought to open the Admissions Building, unless it doesn't. You're to put the envelope in the box on Aardvarkbarf's desk and lock the Building afterwards when you leave.
> info.(to list useful verbs)
> x me. i. x clothes.
> read memo. x key. take key.
> x basket. x thesis. read it. x bulb.
> x desk. x artifacts. x crap.
> open drawer. take all from drawer.
> x screwdriver. x token. x sandwich.
> w. s. w.
Sheri's Office
> x desk. open drawer.
> read letter.(It's from "Booboo" and mentions "58-78")
> e. e.
Dr. Bignose's Office
> x desk. x papers. read papers.
> open drawer. take all from drawer.
> x pistol. x chicken sandwich.
> x pedestal. x markings. x panel. touch panel.
> shoot panel.(+10)drop pistol. x controls.
> w. n. n.
Break Room
> x garbage. x table. x chair.
> w. w.
The Fountain
> x fountain. enter fountain.
> x torch. take torch.
> x water. x rung.
> x trap door. open it.(+10; you fall inside)
Store Room
> x grate. x hammer. take it.
> x shelves. x ladder. x iron door.(Locked.)
> climb ladder. out. w.
Intersection
> n.(No point. You'll never have a car.)
> s.
In Front of the Main Door to the Anthropology Building
> x columns. x frieze. x door. x lock.
> unlock door with key.(Doesn't fit.)
This key doesn't unlock anything. You might as well drop it.
> drop key.
> e. s. s. e.
At the Base of the Tree
> x tree. climb tree.
At the Top of the Tree
You want the rope, but leave the book and egg.
> x book. read book.(Janitor likes explosives.)
> x rope. take it. x egg. x nest.
> climb down tree. e.
Quad
There's an archway to the south and the front of the physics building to the north, but you can skip those locations.
> e.
In Front of the Admissions Building
> open door.(locked)
> s.
A Clearing on the West Side of the Admissions Building
You can ignore the juniper bushes to the south.
> x gouges. climb wall.
Ventilation Shaft West
This is an outdoor location initially. When the cover falls off, this becomes an indoor location.
By the way, "unscrew screw" isn't understood! You have to "unscrew THE screw"!
> x cover. x screw.
> unscrew the screw.(The screwdriver flies into the bushes below.)
> hit screw with hammer.(+20)
You'll need a light-source east of here, such as the torch.
> e. e. d.
Accounting Office
> x desks. x cubicles. x door.(locked)
> s.
Janitor's Room
> x panel. open panel. take dynamite. x it.
> x lever. x bulb.
> pull lever.(Auxiliary power is now on.)
> n. n.
Bubbles' Office
> x desk. open drawer. x turkey sandwich.
> e.
Charlene's Office
> x desk. x dish. x potpouri.
> x cooler. x envelope. take it.(+10)
> w. s. u. w. w.
Ventilation Shaft West
Why doesn't "out" or "down" work here? So awkward.
> climb down wall. n. w. w. w. w. w. n.
Path on West Side of Anthropology Building
> x ladder. u. n.
On the Northern Half of the Roof of the Anthropology Building
Note 1: You'll use the torch to light the dynamite.
Note 2: You'll somehow still have the rope after using it here.
> x depression. x crevice.
> put stick in crevice. light stick.(+50)
> x beam. tie rope to beam. climb down rope.
Lobby of the Anthropology Building- North
The door is north, but you can't unlock it from this side either.
> s.
Lobby of the Anthropology Building
> x sign. read it.("Adjunct Faculty Offices")
> w.
Landing
You can use the token here, but you don't need to.
> x machine. put token in slot. push sandwich button.
> u. n.
Dr. Smellyjelly's Office
Oddly, you don't actually get the dictionary.
> x desk. take dictionary.(A hidden panel opens and a package falls out.)
> x package. open it. x set. take set.
> s. s.
Dr. Babblefjord's Office
The room description erroneously says the door leads south, but it's north.
> x desk. open drawer. read note.
The note explains you have to take off your clothes in order to go through some mechanism.
> n. e. n.
Dr. Jobless' Office
> x pad. x cabinet. x mask. take it.
> wear mask.(It glows; you can now see in the dark without the torch.)
> s. s.
Dr. Jellyfish's Office
The ivy wall is on the other side of this window.
> x fish.(A red herring, of course.)
> x window. unlock it. open it.
> n. w. d.
Landing
In case you want everything from the vending machine:
> pick lock.(with the lock pick set)
> open machine. x salami. x juice. x soda.
> e.
Lobby of the Anthropology Building
> open door. pick lock.(+10)
> s. d. n.
Dr. Eaubooboo's office
> x desk. x drawer. x left dial. x right dial.
Remember the numbers on the love letter? As far as I can tell, they're not randomized.
> turn left dial to 58. turn right dial to 78.
> open drawer.(+10)
> take shiny key.
> x shelf. x green book.
> take green book.(The shelf spins to reveal a screen.)
The lever in the Janitor's Room must be pushed down to provide power to this screen.
> x screen.
> push button.(+10; you see Bignose in 16th century France with destroyed time machine.)
> s. s.
Dr. Chimpanzee's Office
> x poster. x desk. open drawer. x dissertation. read it.
> n. e.
Basement Hall- East
> e.(Zap!)x field.
> remove clothes. drop clothes. e.(+10)
Basement Hall- East Two
> read sign("Broom Closet. Keep Out.")
> x door.
> unlock door with shiny key. drop shiny key.
> e.
Dr. Aardvarkbarf's Office
> x desk. x box.
> put envelope in box.(+50)
You are zapped to 16th century France in front of Dr. Bignose's smoldering time machine.
This concludes Chapter One of ++ The Obscene Quest of Dr. Aardvarkbarf ++
Coming soon (to Comp 98)...
Chapter TWO: ++ Trapped in Time with Dr. Bignose ++
Unfortunately, the sequel was never written, so we'll have to just guess how the story continues from here.
Extras
Characters
Note that you don't get to meet anyone in the game and the only people you ever see are Dr. Bignose and some villagers in a screen in Dr. Eaubooboo's office.
Dr. Bignose is the chair of the Temporal Physics Dept. and also your boss.
Sheri is Dr. Bignose's secretary. She's having an affair with Dr. Eaubooboo.
Jensen is the janitor. He likes explosives.
Dr. Pingpong runs the Explosives 101 class; this fact is conveyed by examining the chemistry book.
Bubbles is the Chief Accounting Officer.
Charlene is Bubbles' Assistant. She's fond of vanilla potpouri, unfortunately.
Dr. Smellyjelly is the professor of Ethics.
Dr. Babblefjord is a professor without portfolio.
Dr. Jobless (pronounced zhahb-LAY) is the professor of Philosophy. He meditates.
Dr. Jellyfish is the professor of Icthyology.
Dr. Eaubooboo is the professor of French Literature. He's having an affair with Sheri.
Dr. Chimpanzee is a professor of Zoology. He's very keen on ocelots.
Dr. Aardvarkbarf is a professor of Zoology. He's also a nudist.
Credits
From the response to CREDITS:
++ THE OBSCENE QUEST OF DR. AARDVARKBARF ++
by Gary Roggin
This game is free- ware.
This game was written in Fall 1997 for the 1997 Interactive Ficiton Competition.
Note: You do have a carrying capacity limit in this game, but it seems to be based on bulk, not item count, so I can't predict exactly how many items is too many. I think you can carry around ten medium-sized items before running into difficulties. And, of course, items you're wearing don't count against the carrying limitation.
Keys
a brass key. It's taped to the memo in your office.
Dr. Bignose thinks it's the key to the Admissions Building, but it isn't. It doesn't seem to unlock anything in the game.
a lock pick set. It's inside the small package. While you have it, you can pick some locks.
You can pick the lock of the vending machine on the Anthropology Building landing.
You can pick the lock of the door to the adjunct faculty offices (at the south end of Anthropology Building's lobby).
You cannot pick the lock of the front doors of either the Anthropology or Admissions Buildings.
You cannot pick the lock of the iron door in the store room.
a shiny key. It's in Dr. Eaubooboo's desk drawer.
To unlock the drawer, turn the dials on the drawer to the numbers in the love letter.
The shiny key unlocks the door to Dr. Aardvarkbarf's office in "Basement Hall- East Two".
See also: pistol. Some locks can be broken by shooting at them.
Readables
You don't need to carry these things around with you. Read 'em and leave 'em.
a memo. It's in your office.
It explains the task that Dr. Bignose wants you to do. It also has the brass key taped to it.
a thesis. It's in the waste basket in your office.
a love letter. It's in the desk drawer in Sheri's office.
It tells you combo for Dr. Eaubooboo's desk drawer.
a chemistry book. It's in the nest at the top of the oak tree.
Read it to learn that Jensen, the janitor, is interested in dynamite.
a note. It's inside the desk drawer in Dr. Babblefjord's office.
It tells you that one must remove one's clothes to get through some mechanism.
a dissertation. It's inside the desk drawer in Dr. Chimpanzee's office.
Sandwiches
You only need to eat a sandwich every 500 turns; otherwise, leave the sandwiches alone. They're the only food in the game.
a roast beef sandwich. It's in the desk drawer in your office.
a chicken salad sandwich. It's in the desk drawer in Dr. Bignose's office.
a turkey sandwich. It's inside the desk drawer in Bubbles' office.
a salami sandwich. It's in the vending machine on the landing in the Anthropology Building.
To obtain it, buy it with the token, pick the machine's padlock with the lock pick set, or shoot the hinge (not the lock) with the pistol.
Other stuff
your clothes. You're wearing them when the game begins.
Take them off to get through the force field in the Anthropology basement hall. This is clued by the note in Dr. Babblefjord's desk drawer.
a screwdriver. It's in the desk drawer in your office.
You should try to unscrew the screw with the screwdriver at Ventilation Shaft West, but the screwdriver will be lost in the juniper bushes below.
a token. It's in the desk drawer in your office.
At Landing, you can put the token in the slot of the vending machine, then push the juice button, soda button, or sandwich button to have it vend the juice, soda, or salami sandwich respectively.
a pistol. It's in the desk drawer in Dr. Bignose's office.
There's only one bullet. Use it wisely. You can remove it from the gun, but there's no reason to do that.
In Dr. Bignose's office, you can shoot the panel of the pedestal to strand Dr. Bignose in the past. (See hammer for another solution.)
At "In Front of the Main Door to the Anthropology Building", you can shoot the lock (not the door itself) to open the door there. (There are other ways into the Anthro Building; see hammer, dynamite, and rope.)
At Landing, you can shoot the hinge (not the lock) of the vending machine to open it. (See lock pick set for another solution.)
At Lobby of the Anthropology Building (south end), you can shoot the lock to open the wooden door. (See lock pick set for another solution.)
At the Front of the Admissions Building, you can shoot the lock of the door. This is the only way to open this door that I found. Unfortunately, it just leads to an empty lobby and another locked door that you can't open.
In Ventilation Shaft West, you can shoot the screw to remove it. (See hammer for another solution.)
a rope. It's in the nest at the top of the oak tree.
On the Northern Half of the Roof of the Anthropology Building, after using the dynamite, tie the rope to the beam. Now you can climb the rope to descend into the building.
a hammer. It's hanging from the grate in the store room under the fountain.
In Dr. Bignose's Office, hit the panel with the hammer to strand Dr. Bignose in the past.
In Ventilation Shaft West, hit the screw with the hammer to actually remove it.
At Clinging onto an Ivy-Covered Wall, you can pry the window with the hammer to open it.
a torch. It's inside the fountain; it's a light-source and a fire-source.
Light the dynamite with the torch once it's in the crevice on the Anthropology roof.
You'll need either the torch or the tribal mask to explore the Admissions Building.
BUG: Make sure you're inside the fountain when you take the torch. If you take the torch when you're not in the fountain, you'll confuse the game somewhat.
an envelope. Find it by examining the water cooler in Charlene's office.
You can read the envelope but can't open it. Put it in the box in Dr. Aardvarkbarf's office.
a stick of dynamite. Find it by opening the panel in the janitor's room.
On the Northern Half of the Roof of the Anthropology Building, put the dynamite in the crevice and light it with the torch. This will blow open a hole in the roof and expose a beam.
a small package. Find it by attempting to take the dictionary under the desk in Dr. Smellyjelly's Office.
a tribal mask. It's on the cabinet in Dr. Jobless' office.
Wearing the mask lets you see in the dark. You will need either it or the torch to explore the Admissions Building.
a bottle of juice and a can of soda. They're in the vending machine on the landing in the Anthropology Building.
You don't need the juice or soda. See salami sandwich on how to use or break open the vending machine.
BUG: Sometimes the bottle of juice is called a bottle of soda. It's still juice, though.
a cover. It's in the clearing on the west side of the Admissions Building after you've broken the screw that held it on the outside wall.
You don't need the cover.
Score
In a total of several turns, you have achieved a score of your-score points out of a possible 200.
10 points for stranding Dr. Bignose 300 years in the past.
10 points for opening the trap door inside the fountain.
20 points for opening the ventilation shaft cover.
10 points for taking the envelope addressed to Dr. Aardvarkbarf.
50 points for exploding part of the roof of the Anthropology Building.
10 points for opening the door to the adjunct faculty offices.
10 points for opening Dr. Eaubooboo's desk drawer.
10 points for activating Dr. Eaubooboo's screen.
10 points for getting through the clothing-prohibited force field.
50 points for delivering the envelope into Dr. Aardvarkbarf's box.
Sorry, but I'm somehow missing 10 points. I have no idea what I might have missed unless there really is some way to open the iron door in the Store Room under the fountain.