In this comedy western, you play as Horse Girl. Normally, you'd be riding the open plains, but that sidewinder, Judge Lazarus Dives, stole your horse! He also wants to own every snake oil well in Texas, so he must be here in Santa Diablo. You're certain of it. You're gonna find that buzzard and settle the score.
This solution is by David Welbourn, and is based on Release 1 of the game.
SPOILERS AHEAD. Reading a walkthrough prematurely can sometimes diminish one's enjoyment of an interactive fiction game. Please make an honest effort to play the game before reading this walkthrough.
> ask La about coffin varnish.(She needs tar, venom, and cactus juice to make it.)
> ask La about clocks. ask La about snake.
> ask La about coyotes.
> x tub. x sponge. take it.
> x Angelhair. ask her about herself.
> ask her about bathtub. ask her about Dives.
> ask her about Muerte.
> d. w. w.
> x desk. open drawer. take ticket. x it.(Tex Arkham's guitar is in the safe.)
> x saber. take it.
> x posters. x safe.
> x cot. search it. take saw. x it. x bars.
> e. e. ne.
> x Wildfire. pet mule.
> x horseshoe. take it. x hay.
> sw. sw.
> x laundry. x counter.
> x Lucky. x robe. x skullcap. x sunglasses.
> x pipe. x newspaper. x machine.
> ask Lucky about pipe. take pipe. x hookah.
> ask Lucky about Dives.
> ne. s.
> x roses. x caskets. x urns.
> x Wormfood. x bodice. x dress. x necklace.
> ask Wormfood about caskets. ask her about urns.
> ask her about judge. ask her about twins.
> ask her about necklace.
> ask her about skin condition.
> n. se.
> x Clem. x visor. x letters.
> x package. x machine. x counter.
> ask Clem about package. take package.(denied)
> nw. in.
> x shelves. x bottles.
> x chart. take it.
> x vat. x homunculus.
> take homunculus.(needs more nourishment first)
> ask Hornswaggle about homunculus.(It's nourished with milk with bats drowned in it.)
> x tray. ask him about bezoar.(It's a hairball that counteracts poison.)
> ask him about judge. ask him about twins.
> ask him about tonic. ask him about La Muerte.
> ask him about Lucky. ask him about Wormfood.
> out. n.
> x villa. x graveyard.
> x Butch. x coin. x duster. x ten hat.
> talk to Butch. ask him about contest.(A drinking contest using coffin varnish.)
> x crosses. x gorse. x church. x grave.
> x shovel. take it.
> x door. saw boards with saw.
> x pews. x carpet. x scarecrows.
> x victrola. x pulpit. x font.
> x books. x bible. x parson.
> x sack. x cassock. x wide-brimmed hat.
> ask parson about bible.
> ask him about scarecrows.
> ask him about judge. ask him about sack.
> e. u.
> x bell. ring it.(can't: need a rope)
> d. e. e. e.
> x monster. use sponge on monster.(The sponge now has venom, and you can now safely pass by the monster.)
> take sponge.
> x arches. x lamps. x pool. x signs.
> x tnt. take it.
> x lamp. take it.(denied: Gabby wants a replacement.)
> x Gabby. x raggedy hat. x kerchief. x mecha.
> ask Gabby about oil. ask him about judge.
> ask him about mecha. ask him about himself.
> x tent. x fumarole. x cans. x ore. x pot.
> take ore.(can't: embedded in wall)
> use horseshoe on ore.(Horseshoe is now a magnet.)
> take pot.
> u.(can't: too dark)
> w. u. n.
> x cactus. cut cactus with saber. x juice.
> x tumbleweed. take it.(can't: too spirited)
> s. w. s. e.
> give juice to La.
> give spitoon to La.
> give sponge to La.
With all three ingredients, La Muerte makes some coffin varnish and gives it to you.
> x varnish.
> w. s.
> give chart to Wormfood.(She turns into a wampus cat!)
> x cat. ask cat about hairball.(She needs vegetation.)
> n. se.
> use horseshoe on machine.(You may now take the package.)
> take package. open it. x wax cylinder.
> nw. w.
> light tnt with pipe.(The safe is open.)
> x guitar. take it. play it.(can't: don't know how)
> e. n. w. w.
> use wax on victrola.(You now know how to play the guitar.)
> e. e. e. n.
> play guitar.(You get the tumbleweed.)
> s. w. s. s.
> give tumbleweed to cat.(She vomits the hairball.)
> x hairball. take it. eat it.
> n. n.
> give varnish to Butch.
> x glass. drink glass.(Butch kneels over.)
> x Butch. search Butch. x coin.
> s. sw.
> put coin in machine. take charm. x it.
> ne. n. w.
You won't be willing to dig the grave unless you have the charm.
> dig grave with shovel.
> look. x box. open it. x cadaver. x star.
> take star.(The sheriff's ghost objects, but your charm protects you.)
> x ghost. ask ghost about himself.
> ask ghost about star. ask ghost about Dives.
> ask ghost about twins. ask ghost about parson.
> ask ghost about Gabby. ask ghost about La Muerte.
> ask ghost about Angelhair. ask ghost about postmaster.
> ask ghost about Wormfood. ask ghost about Ida Mae.
> ask ghost about Hornswaggle.
> ask ghost about Lucky Strike.
> ask ghost about Tex Arkham.
> e. n.
> x Femme. x Nightmare.
> talk to Femme. g.(She suggests a riding contest.)
> ask Femme about judge. ask Femme about Butch.
> ask Femme about Nightmare. ask Femme about Gabby.
> ask Femme about Hornswaggle.
> x gallows. n.
> x implements. x sugar. take sugar.
> s. e. e.
> x carrots. take carrots.
> x tarantula. milk tarantula. x milk.
> s. w. s. s. ne.
> give sugar to mule.(Wildfire now will follow you for the next few turns.)
> sw. n. n.
> give chili to mule.
> talk to Femme.(You race them and win. They leave.)
> x clock.(how strange)
> x judge. x suit. x rope. x horse. x paperwork.
> ask judge about rope.(He gives it to you.)
> ask him about horse. ask him about himself.
> ask him about Hornswaggle. ask him about Gabby.
> s. s. s. e. d.
> give carrots to Gabby.(He gives you his lamp.)
> e. u.
> x bats. take bats.(You dunk some in the milk then leave.)
> w. u. w. w. w. u.
> hang rope on bell. d.
> pull bellrope.(The parson enters and begins a sermon.)
> open Bible.(You take a six-shooter from it.)
> e. e. e. s. in.
> pour milk in vat.(The homunculus matures.)
> take homunculus.(It's now following you.)
> out. n. w. w.
> baptise homunculus with font.(It is now educated.)
> give star to homunculus.(It is now an agent of justice.)
> give gun to homunculus.(It is now armed.)
> e. e. n. n. n.
The homunculus shoots the judge, then leaves to find more evil.
> x dead judge. take horse.
*** The End ***
In the order you encounter them in this walkthrough:
Ulysses P Hornswaggle is a seller of quack remedies. He's set up his wagon in the plaza, but his past dealings with the judge make it difficult to trust him.
La Muerte is the proprietor and hostess of the cantina. She's also the one offering a bounty on the judge.
Patrons, gamblers, and coyotes acting as waiters populate the busy cantina.
Angelhair Horchata is a friendly, if vacuous, nude woman in the private room above the cantina. She offers bathing services and possibly more to her clients.
Wildfire is a female grey mule with an agreeable disposition in the stable.
Lucky Strike is a fat Chinese man who runs the local laundry, but he seems more interested in smoking his time away than doing anything else.
Wormfood is a Native American woman who sells caskets and urns in the mortuary. She also has an unusual "skin condition".
Postmaster Clem Bunions operates the post office.
A homunculus, who you name Lil' Varmint, is growing in a vat of manure in Hornswaggle's wagon. If you can mature it and educate it, it will be able to perform tasks, like a plant version of a robot.
Butch McCreedy is one of the judge's deputies. They block your way to his villa, but they're willing to step aside if you can best them at a drinking contest.
The parson is in the church's vestry, waiting for a sign to begin the next sermon.
A gila monster named Ida Mae blocks your way into the snake oil mine. She's basically Gabby's venomous guard dog.
Gabby is busy mining snake oil inside a lucrative mine. He's one of the few people to openly defy the judge and live.
The sheriff's ghost appears in the boneyard when you take his tin star from his casket. He's willing to talk, but unable to do anything else.
Femme McCreedy is Butch's twin and another of the judge's deputies. They block your way into the villa and challenge you to a racing contest.
Nightmare is Femme's powerful black stallion.
A tarantula the size of a cow awaits in the stall for someone to milk her swollen spinnerets.
Judge Lazarus Dives, the Big Bad of this story, is holed up in his parlour, surrounded by ignored paperwork. He stole your horse. He killed the sheriff and named himself the law in this town. He's trying to get ownership of every snake oil deed. And a deal with Old Scratch himself has made him rather difficult to kill.
Sugar & Sache is your beloved chestnut mare. She was stolen by the judge and stands beside him in his parlour.
Some bats are sleeping in a dark crevice above Gabby's campsite.
Tex Arkham was a singing cowpoke, but according to the sheriff's ghost, his songs didn't sound so sweet. His guitar and package remain in town, but he himself is long gone.
The voice of Buster Bronco, Perfesser Emeritus at the Dusty Trails Correspondence School fer Singing Cowpokes can be heard if you play the wax cylinder on the church's victrola.
The Devil made a deal with the judge, insuring that the judge can never be killed by anyone born from a woman.
Credits are at the end of the response to HELP:
Special thanks to Rovarsson, Lance Campbell, J.J. Guest, Olaf Nowacki, Grueslayer, Cacheblaster, Xin Jing Meng, Widow Dido, and Bitterlyindifferent for playtesting!
Items are listed in the order you acquire them in this walkthrough. Note that some items disappear from your inventory without comment when you no longer need them.
a poncho. You're wearing it.
Ignore it; you are unwilling to remove it.
a broadsheet. You're carrying it.
Read it to learn you should ask about Judge Dives in the cantina.
a locket. You're wearing it.
Examine it; it contains a picture of your mare, Sugar & Sache.
a stetson hat. You're wearing it.
Ignore it; you are unwilling to remove it.
jeans. You're wearing them.
Ignore them; you are unwilling to remove them.
a spitoon. It's in the cantina.
Its sludge counts as "tar" for making coffin varnish. Give the spitoon to La Muerte.
a sea sponge. It's in the private room above the cantina.
At the mine entrance, use the sponge on the gila monster to both acquire its venom and negate the danger of a gila monster bite.
In the cantina, give the venom-filled sponge to La Muerte; the venom is needed to make coffin varnish.
a booking ticket. It's in the desk drawer in the sheriff's office.
Read it to learn that Tex Arkham's guitar is in the safe.
a cavalry saber. It's in the sheriff's office.
In the ravine, cut the barrel cactus with the saber to obtain some cactus juice.
a hacksaw. Find it by searching the cot in the cell.
In the boneyard, saw the boards with the saw. You can now open and enter the church's door.
a horseshoe. It's in the stable.
At the campsite, use the horseshoe on the magnetic ore to magnetize the horseshoe.
In the post office, use the magnetized horseshoe on the telegram machine to fake a message that convinces the postmaster to let you take the package.
an opium pipe. It's in the laundry.
Just take it; Lucky Strike doesn't mind.
In the sheriff's office, light the dynamite with the pipe to blast open the safe.
a star chart. It's in the wagon.
In the mortuary, give the chart to Wormfood. The sight of the full moon on the chart will trigger Wormfood to transform into a wampus cat.
a shovel. It's in the boneyard.
In the boneyard, while carrying the numismatic charm, dig the fresh grave with the shovel to reveal a pine box. You will not be willing to dig the grave if you're not carrying the charm.
some dynamite. It's in the mineshaft.
In the sheriff's office, light the dynamite with the opium pipe to blast open the safe.
a pot of chili. It's at the campsite.
After leading Wildfire to the veranda (see sugar cubes), give the chili to Wildfire. Now talk to Femme to start and win the race; the chili gives Wildfire a turboboost, shall we say.
some cactus juice. Acquire it in the ravine by cutting the barrel cactus with the saber.
In the cantina, give the juice to La Muerte; it's an ingredient for making coffin varnish.
some coffin varnish. Acquire it in the cantina by giving the spitoon, the sea sponge (filled with venom), and some cactus juice to La Muerte. She makes it for you.
After eating the hairball, go to the path and give the varnish to Butch. They'll pour out two shot glasses. Drink your glass; the hairball protects you. Butch will drink theirs and pass out. Search Butch to obtain their coin.
a package. It's in the post office.
Use the magnetized horseshoe on the telegram machine to fake a message that convinces the postmaster to let you take the package.
In the church, use the wax cylinder on the victrola to learn how to play the guitar effectively.
In the ravine, play the guitar to obtain the tumbleweed.
a tumbleweed. It's in the ravine, but it's initially too spirited to take.
First go to the church and use the wax cylinder on the victrola to learn how to charm nature with music. Then, in the ravine, play the guitar to obtain the tumbleweed.
In the mortuary, give the tumbleweed to the wampus cat. The cat eats it then coughs up a hairball.
a wampus cat hairball. Wormfood, after turned into a wampus cat (see star chart), has a hairball stuck in her throat.
Give the tumbleweed to the cat to get her to cough it up.
Eat the hairball to protect yourself from poisons; see coffin varnish. If you ask Hornswaggle about bezoars, he tells you that they're hairballs with anti-poison properties.
a coin. On the path, Butch McCreedy has it.
To get Butch's coin, first get some coffin varnish and swallow a hairball. Give the varnish and drink the shot glass they offer. They'll keel over after drinking their glass. Search Butch's body to obtain the coin.
In the laundry, put the coin in the vending machine; it dispenses a numismatic charm.
a numismatic charm. It's dispensed by the vending machine in the laundry when you insert a coin into the machine.
While carrying the charm, you can now safely dig the grave in the boneyard with the shovel, open the late sheriff's pine box, and take his tin star.
a tin star. It's in the pine box found in the boneyard by digging the fresh grave with the shovel while carrying the numismatic charm.
Give the star to the homunculus after you've baptised it in the church's font. The homunculus is now an agent of justice.
some sugar cubes. They're in the knacker shed.
In the stable, give some sugar to Wildfire. She will now follow you (if she can) for the next several turns. If she stops following you, you can give her more sugar to get her to start following you again.
Lead Wildfire to the veranda for the racing contest.
some carrots. They're in the garden.
Examine the carrots to learn that they help you see in the dark.
In the mineshaft, give the carrots to Gabby to obtain the miner's lamp in exchange.
a bucket of milk. Obtain it by milking the tarantula in the stall.
In the crevice, put some bats in the milk to season it.
In the wagon, pour the bat-seasoned milk into the vat to mature the homunculus.
a rope. In the parlour, Judge Dives is wearing the rope as a noose.
Ask Dives about the rope: he gives it to you. He doesn't care.
In the church's tower, hang the rope on the bell.
In the church, pull the bellrope to summon the parson. He'll start a sermon, leaving the Bible unguarded in the vestry.
a miner's lamp. It's in the mineshaft.
Obtain the lamp by giving the carrots to Gabby; the carrots will let Gabby see in the dark.
With the lamp, you can now enter the crevise and see the bats.
a six-shooter. It's inside the Bible in the vestry.
Give the gun to the homunculus after giving the tin star to it, then lead the armed homunculus to the parlour where it will shoot the judge.