In this silly but very rude game, you're the Network Administrator at Kook University. It's your job to restart the Network whenever it's down, but Dean F. L. Uffy also demands that you stop the USENET Abuse by six terrible students or else you're out of a job!
Content warnings: profanity, drug use, comedic deaths and murder, references to illegal forms of pornography, and horrible poetry.
This solution is by David Welbourn, and is based on Release 1 of the game.
SPOILERS AHEAD. Reading a walkthrough prematurely can sometimes diminish one's enjoyment of an interactive fiction game. Please make an honest effort to play the game before reading this walkthrough.
The game goes into menu mode where you can select user names to learn more about them. All six people listed are USENET Abusers that you must defeat.
When you're finished reading the entries, type Q to leave the menu and continue the rest of the game.
> w. s.
By the way, if you didn't restart the Network, the users won't let you leave the building.
> x equipment. x users.
> s. s.
The Commons is the central hub of the outdoor locations. This walkthrough will explore the buildings and grounds going clockwise from here, starting with the northeastern branch.
> x tape. take it.(+1)
> ne. ne.
> x trees. x Doctress. x computer.(She enjoys pot.)
> ask Doctress about computer.
> ask Doctress about pot.
Although you can take the portable computer, you don't need it.
> sw. s. e.
> x April. x terminal.(Implant sent a love letter to her, signed Al McAnespy. Remember that name! Also note that Miss April is married.)
> x article.(It's about Grubor.)
> take article.(+1)
Caution: If you ask Miss April about a topic she doesn't know, she'll read one of her poems at random to you.
> ask April about Implant.
> ask April about husband.
> ask April about USENET.
> w. s. se.
College of Business
> x Wallace. x terminal.(Sending lots of spam.)
> x fan. take fan.(+1)
> ask Wallace about anything.
> nw. w.
Outside Dean's Office
> x door. x plaque. open door.(locked)
> w. sw.
Day Care Facility
> x desks. x Implant.(quite short)
> x terminal. x player. take player.(+1)
> open player. x Nails tape.
> close player. turn on player.(angsty sophomoric tripe)
> open player. take Nails. drop it.
> put unlabeled in player.
> close player. turn on player.(It's April's wedding vows.)
> ask Implant about April.
> ask Implant about Al McAnespy.(He shrinks to an inch tall!)
> x Implant. kill Implant.(+9)
> ne. n.
Outside the College of Law
> x inscription.("E PLURIBUS USENET")
> x bill. take it.(+1)
> x Grubor. x terminal.
> ask Grubor about email. ask Grubor about Boursy.
> ask Grubor about USENET. ask Grubor about Martin.
> show article to Grubor.(+9)
> s. e. n.
Outside Loan Office
> nw.(can't: too much smoke)
> turn on fan. nw.(+6)
Once you're in here, you don't need the fan any more.
> drop fan.
> x Boursy. x terminal.(He insists it's coffee he needs.)
> x pack. open it. x joint.
> take pack.(+9. He has a heart attack and disappears.)
By the way, if you give him the thermos of coffee, he still has a heart attack.
> take joint.(+1)
> se. e. e. ne.
> give joint to Doctress.(+9)
> sw. s. e.
Assuming the unlabeled tape is still in the player:
> turn on player.(+9. Miss April leaves.)
> w. s. se.
College of Business
> give bill to Wallace.(+9)
> x junk mail.
> nw. w.
Outside Dean's Office
When all six Network Abusers are defeated, the Dean's door is unlocked and open.
The Dean congratulates you, but says there's one last problem. You must restore the Network again because there was a virus attack.
You are now instantly back at...
> x router. x name. x file. x news.
All four devices are off. It's just a matter of turning them on (and off) in the correct order, which you can figure out by trial and error, until they're all on.
> turn on router.
> turn on name.
> turn on file.
> turn off name.
> turn on news.
> turn on name.(+9; the Network is running!)
You apply to be the next Dean and are accepted.
*** You have won ***
F. L. Uffy is the Dean of the college of computer science at Kook University. He sent you the memo, and you'll meet him in his office after you defeat all six Network Abusers.
The users in the terminal room won't let you leave the computer science building until you restore the Network.
Stephen Boursy is in the loan office. His addictions to drugs and coffee have ruined his body.
John Grubor is a disbarred lawyer with enormous eyebrows in the study hall. He'll call everyone a pedophile until shown proof of his crimes.
Implant is a short man in the day care facility. He's into freaky porn, swears like a sailor, and doesn't want anyone to know his real name is Al McAnespy.
Doctress Neutopia is dancing naked in the arboretum. She's quite fond of Gaia and pot.
Miss April is the library and loves writing awful poetry. She's also having an affair with Implant, even though she's married (but she denies that part).
Sanford "Spammy" Wallace is in the College of Business sending out as much spam as he can.
Martin Hannigan is one of your colleagues in the USENET Cabal.
Barry Manilow wrote and sang "Copa Cabana".
Miss April's husband is Ukrainian.
Kiddies are the normal users in the day care.
Campus janitorial staff remove Grubor's body.
The tellers of the loan office are out to lunch.
Ricardo Hector Gonzales, Bill Palmer, Colin James III, S.P., Reverend Steve Winter, and Dave Hayes will be on campus next year. It's heavily implied that they are also Network Abusers.
NOTE: You have a SEVEN item inventory limit.
Also, you may find it amusing to give or show any or all of your inventory to anyone you meet just to see how they react. Or maybe not. These people are awful and somewhat one-dimensional, but it's up to you to decide how much you want to interact with them.
a beeper. It's in your office's desk drawer.
Ignore it. It's worthless without a battery.
a memo. It's in your office's desk drawer.
Read it to learn your main task, but leave it behind unless you feel like showing it to the Abusers for their responses.
a membership card to the USENET Cabal. It's in your office desk drawer.
At the north end of the hall, put your membership card into the card reader to unlock the computer room door. Don't worry about locking the door afterwards.
a USENET Cabal thermos containing a quantity of coffee. It's in Martin's office.
One way to defeat Stephen Boursay is to give the open thermos to him. He'll drink the coffee and have a heart attack. But see also the pack of cigarettes for another way to defeat him.
You may drink the coffee yourself. It's good.
Or leave the thermos and coffee alone. You don't really need it.
some lyrics. They're in Martin's office.
Read it, but you don't need to take it.
a portable computer. It's in the arboretum.
Just examine it. You don't need to take it.
an unlabeled cassette tape. It's at Commons.
The unlabeled tape is a recording of Miss April's wedding vows.
Open the tape player. Take the Nails tape out of the player, then put the unlabeled tape into the player. Close the player. Go to the library and turn on the player to defeat Miss April.
an electric fan. It's in the College of Business.
Turn it on just before entering the loan office. The fan will blow the smoke away so you can breathe in there.
Once you're inside the loan office, you can drop the fan or turn it off. The smoke won't return.
a cassette tape player containing a Nine Inch Nails cassette tape. It's in the day care faciility.
To use the player, turn it on when there's a tape inside and when the player is closed. The player can only hold one tape at a time, of course. Also, there is no way to record with this player.
Play the unlabeled tape in the library to defeat Miss April. The unlabeled tape is a recording of Miss April's wedding vows.
a pack of cigarettes containing a joint. It's in the loan office.
CAUTION: Don't give the joint to John Grubor; he'll eat it!
Take the pack to defeat Stephen Boursy, but see also coffee for another way to defeat him.
Give the joint to Doctress Neutopia to defeat her.
a newspaper article. It's in the library.
Read it. Show the article to John Grubor to defeat him.
The response to SCORE is:
You have so far scored your-score out of a possible 100, in several turns, earning you the rank of Rank.