In this game about wordplay, you've just crashlanded your Sopwith Camel on the island of Calembour in the Bermuda Triangle. Your goals are to explore this mysterious (and hopefully saucy) island, to deliver your bag to Lord Handsome, and to find a way home.
This solution is by David Welbourn, and is based on Release 1 of the game.
> x Salazar. x drawings. ask Salazar about drawings.
> kiss Salazar.
> se. sw.
> ask yoohoo about yoohoo.("Just find the proof!")
> search pudding. x proof. show proof to Yoohoo.(+20)
> i. x hug.
> x cameras. x lights.
> x oven. open oven. undo
> x closet. open closet. undo
> x sink. look in sink. undo
> x cupboards. open cupboards. undo
> x table. turn table.
The Big Apple
> x apple. x tourist. take picture.(+20)
> x picture. x helmet. x shorts. x shirt.
> climb apple. eat apple. undo
> ask tourist about helmet. ask tourist about shorts.
> ask tourist about shirt. ask tourist about picture.
> ask tourist about apple. ask tourist about orange.
> ask tourist about himself.
> x chicks. pick up chicks.
Road to Somewhere
> listen. x patch. take eye.(+20)
> x stage. x rockets. x band.
> x boulder. x metalhead. ask metalhead about band.
> rock out.(+20)
> x brain. take brain.(+20)
> n. n. n. w. nw.
Lair of Salazar
> give bear hug to Salazar.(+20)
> x marker. read label.
> se. e. s. e.
> x sign. x pedestal. x plaque. x groove.
> put bar in groove.(+20)
> x bar. x mist. look. e.
Calembour Bar & Chill
> x ice. x mist. x bartender. x tuxedo. x patrons.
> ask bartender about bar. ask bartender about drink.
> ask bartender about sign. ask bartender about patrons.
> ask bartender about rudeville. ask bartender about outlands.
> ask patrons about sign. ask bartender about count dashing.
> ask bartender about lord handsome.
> x sign.("EX T")
> put eye on sign.(+20)
> x hole. s.
> x sign. e.
> x buildings. x people.
> x mounds. x poster. search mounds.
You must DUCK immediately after entering here.
> look. x debris.
> search debris. x numbers. x listings.
> x club. se.
> x dancers. x dealer. x hat. x monocle.
> ask dealer about art. show picture to dealer.
> give picture to dealer.(+20)
> x words. nw. n. ne.
> x kangarude. nw. ne.(The kangarude blocks you.)
> give kangarude a piece of my mind.(+20)
West Cumbersome Crescent
> x poster. ne.
> x beggar. ask beggar about words.
> give words to beggar.(+20)
> i. x words.("say the password")
East Cumbersome Crescent
CAUTION: If you go west into the dead end, you'll die, of course.
> x sign.("DEAD END")
> sw. sw. se.
> x face. ask face about face.(Like talking to a brick wall.)
> say the password.(+20)
> x dessert. eat dessert.(+20)
You are now at...
Handsome Manor Entrance
> x flowers. smell flowers.(Cinnamon.)
> x moat. x alligators.
> x manor. x seal.("Official Magic Marker Surface")
> sw. se.
> x bottom. s.
> x fountain. x women. x man. x washboard.
> x shed. w.
> x sign. x shelf. x seeds. x bucket. x cement.
> take seeds. take bucket.(too heavy)
> kick bucket.
> e. n. ne. nw.
Handsome Manor Entrance
I found it very difficult to guess what the game wanted me to do here.
> draw bridge.(+20, using the magic marker)
> x bridge. s.
A Handsome Foyer
> x clock. x chandelier. x rug. x suit.
> x plate. x fireplace. x fish.
> e.(Can't enter the kitchen.)
Handsome Guest Room
> x bed. x fish. x drawers.
> ask bed about bed. jump on bed. again. sleep. stand.
> e. x door. x bathroom door.
> open bathroom door. ask bathroom door about itself.
> nw. d.
> x rack. x barrel. x tap. turn tap.
> look. x wine. drink wine.
> u. w.
A Handsome Lounge Room
The couch has all the gossip.
> x couch. sit on couch. ask couch about couch.
> ask couch about manor. ask couch about lord handsome.
> ask couch about clock. ask couch about chandelier.
> ask couch about rug. ask couch about armour.
> ask couch about plate. ask couch about fireplace.
> ask couch about fish. ask couch about oven.
> ask couch about bag. ask couch about burrito.
> ask couch about count dashing. ask couch about me.
> ask couch about paintings. ask couch about door.
> ask couch about barrel. ask couch about bed.
> e. u.
A Handsome Hallway
> x paintings. x stairs. x door.
> ask door about sausage.(+20)
A Modest Throne Room
CAUTION: You can look at a few things, but don't waste too much time.
> x handsome. x dashing. x throne.
> give bag to Lord Handsome.
Lord Handsome exiles Count Dashing, then gives you a jet ski so you can go home.
*** You have won ***
Did you try...
Sniffing the marker?
Rocking out at the metal concert twice?
Throwing bird seeds into the moat?
Saying the password before you should know it?
Drawing a sword, a blank, a conclusion or blood?
Kicking the bucket?
Picking up the chicks?
Jumping on the bed?
Cutting a rug?
Turning the table?
Having a drink in the whine cellar?
Giving a piece of your mind or a bear hug to different inhabitants?
Making light conversation with the denizens of Calembour?
Attempting to have "relations" with anyone or anything for a sneak peek of (what may possibly be) Hulk Handsome's next game?
If you were a beta tester, try asking the couch about your own name!
Yoohoo and Hooyoo are two women arguing at the Crime Scene.
A tourist is at The Big Apple.
A metalhead is rocking out at the Metal Concert.
A bartender and some bar patrons are in the Calembour Bar & Chill.
An art dealer is in the "Got Wood?" club.
A beggar of few words is in Cumbersome Crescent.
Lord Handsome is the bag's intended recepient. He's in his Modest Throne Room.
Count Dashing sealed the gateway between the Outlands and Rudeville. He's also in the throne room.
Some rude people are in most locations in Rudeville.
Salazar is both a sad hermit and a horned blue-skinned beast. He's in his lair.
Some naked chicks are at the Intersection. More birds can be created by putting seeds into the fountain (or moat).
A kangarude is in Stumblebum Lane, blocking your way.
Some hand-drawn alligators are in the moat surrounding Handsome Manor.
A cat is in the bag.
Partly- or fully-animated things:
The roads are muttering at the Crossroads.
A band of robots are playing at the Metal Concert.
Some table dancers are dancing in the "Got Wood?" club.
The brick wall in Assassin Alley has a face.
All the furniture in the Handsome Foyer: clock, chandelier, rug, suit of armour, commemorative plate, and a fireplace.
The couch in the Handsome Lounge Room.
The whine barrel in the Whine Cellar.
The bed and bathroom door in the Handsome Guest Room.
The door in the upstairs Handsome Hallway.
Inanimate semblances of life:
A mounted fish is in several manor rooms. They are Red Herrings. The couch can tell you that any room containing a Red Herring is unimportant.
Statues of women and a man are in the fountain. The man represents Lord Handsome.
Mentioned in endings:
Your boss, who sent you on this trip.
The skeleton in the closet.
A lamb named Flossy.
A voice cries "You fool! You let the cat out of the bag!" before a feline indeed leaps out and scampers away like a cat out of hell. You wonder how you're going to explain this to your boss before realising it's not an issue since you're now stranded in Calembour. You eventually forge a new life for yourself by setting up a business that specialises in selling laces for left shoes. It seems curiousity didn't kill this cat. Instead, it killed your chances of getting off this island! if you open the bag in most locations.
A fireball explodes out of the oven and burns you to a crisp. Shame, just when things were really starting to... cook! if you open the oven at the Crime Scene.
A skeleton leaps out the closet, pulling you inside and down to Hades where you spend eternity cleaning out lava lamps. Looks like it had a bone to pick with you! if you open the closet at the Crime Scene.
You begin searching the water and somehow manage to drown yourself. This adventure certainly didn't go swimmingly for you! if you look in or search the sink at the Crime Scene.
Ten thousand pans fall from the cupboard, flattening you. Things certainly didn't pan out for you! if you open the cupboards at the Crime Scene.
You forget everything you were taught when you were younger and eat food you find lying on the ground. You predictably succumb to food poisoning. What a rotten way to die! if you eat the apple at The Big Apple.
Your graffiti springs to life and wreaks havoc in Calembour, killing dozens of people! You spend the rest of your existence being hunted for committing homicidal vandalism, living life on a lamb. Her name is Flossy. Looks like the writing is on the wall for you! if you draw on something with the magic marker.
You're knocked dead by something rocketing down from the sky. You didn't duck and now your goose is cooked! if you don't DUCK immediately after entering Saturday Drive.
You begin to roll the boulder forward, only for it to slip from your fingers and roll backwards, flattening you. It's called rock and rolling, not boulder and rolling! if you roll the boulder at the Metal Concert.
You stroll west, past the DEAD END sign. Suddenly, you fall into a pit where you're attacked by brain hungry zombies! Tragically, this means you can't petition the local council to change the DEAD END sign to the more accurate UNDEAD END. if you go west from East Cumbersome Street into the dead end.
You stride into the moat and are slowly nibbled to death by hand-drawn alligators. Looks like you disagreed with something that ate you! if you enter the moat surrounding the manor.
You draw a sword, only for it to turn on you and attack, slicing you into tiny bits! It certainly had a tip for you! Did you get the point? if you draw a sword.
You drown in an ocean of blood! You must be seeing red now! if you draw blood.
You illustrate a fitting fate for yourself and conclude your adventure early! You certainly found a means to an end! if you draw a conclusion.
Your lack of imagination slowly envelopes the entire world until nothing is left but an empty void! Good gravy, you really are good for nothing! if you draw a blank.
You climb into the fountain and somehow manage to drown yourself. if you swim in the Garden's fountain.
You get a terrible stomach ache before a bird violently bursts from your chest, screaming "CUCKOO!" Sadly, you don't have a watch to confirm the time before you die. if you eat the seeds.
A cat leaps out of the bag, scampering out of sight! "Thank you... fool!", the Count says in a rather evil manner which gives you the inkling that you may have done something wrong. "Now nothing can stop me from ruling Calembour!" He pumps his fist in the air, shattering the ceiling into millions of tiny pieces that rain to the floor! A lightning bolt shoots from the sky and strikes his fist, transforming it into iron which he uses to rule Calembour for all eternity! Good gravy, that sure was a silly thing you did! if you open the bag in A Modest Throne Room.
You hand the bag over to Count Dashing who hurriedly throws it out a window, much to the clear dismay of Lord Handsome! "Thank you... fool!", the Count says in a rather evil manner which gives you the inkling that you may have made the wrong choice. "Now nothing can stop me from ruling Calembour!" He pumps his fist in the air, shattering the ceiling into millions of tiny pieces that rain to the floor! A lightning bolt shoots from the sky and strikes his fist, transforming it into iron which he uses to rule Calembour for all eternity! Good gravy, that sure was a silly thing you did! if you give the bag to Count Dashing.
The two foes tumble onto you, knocking the bag out of your hands! It pops open as it hits the floor and a cat leaps out, scampering out of sight! While you're observing this spectacle, whoever the bad guy happens to be snaps your neck. Clearly you need to work on making snap decisions! if you wait too long in A Modest Throne Room and the two men reach you.
You have won if you give the bag to Lord Handsome.
a bag. You're carrying it. Do NOT open it. Give it to Lord Handsome.
a bar. It's at the Crossroads. Put it in the groove of the Car Park's pedestal.
some proof. The proof is in the pudding at the Crime Scene. Search the pudding, then show the proof to Yoohoo.
a bear hug. You get this from Hooyoo after you show Yoohoo the proof.
a tourist's picture. You get this by taking the picture at The Big Apple. Give it to the art dealer in the "Got Wood?" club.
a magic marker. You get this from Salazar when you give him a bear hug. With it, draw a bridge at the Handsome Manor Entrance.
CAUTION: Drawing other things or elsewhere is dangerous.
an eye ball. Take it from the eye patch on the Road to Somewhere. Put it on the sign in the Calmbour Bar & Chill to make an EXIT.
a wad of words. The art dealer in the "Got Wood?" club gives it to you when you give him the tourist's picture. Give the words to the beggar in Stublebum Lane.
a piece of your mind. It's at the Metal Concert after you "rock out" there. Take it and give it to the kangarude in Stumblebum Lane.
handful of words. You get this from the beggar in Cumbersome Crescent after you give him the wad of words. Examine the handful of words. Now you can say the password in Assassin Alley.
seeds. They're in the Shed. Do NOT eat them. If you put them in the Garden's fountain, birds will carry you back to the Intersection.
In that game you scored your-score out of a possible 360, in 4 turns, earning you the rank of ranking.
20 points for taking the bar.
20 points for showing proof to Yoohoo.
20 points for taking the tourist's picture.
20 points for taking an eye from the Road to Somewhere's eye patch.
20 points for rocking out at the Metal Concert.
20 points for taking some of your brain at the Metal Concert.
20 points for giving a bear hug to Salazar.
20 points for putting the bar into the groove in the Car Park pedestal.
20 points for putting the eye onto the Bar & Grill's "EX T" sign.
20 points for ducking in Saturday Drive.
20 points for giving the picture to the art dealer.
20 points for giving the kangarude a piece of your mind.
20 points for giving a wad of words to the beggar in Cumbersome Crescent.
20 points for saying the password in Assassin Alley.
20 points for eating dessert.
20 points for drawing a bridge over the moat.
20 points for asking the upstairs door about sausage.