Key & Compass presents:
I Never Promised You A Nose Guard
by Rob Noyes

I Never Promised You A Nose Guard is a Z-machine interactive fiction game written with Inform 6 and is © 1999 by Rob Noyes. It was an entry in the Speed-IF 7 event.

After drinking nine Singapore Slings at a bar, you've somehow woken up in a cheerleading outfit on the HMS Recalcitrant, a ship that smells of pickles. Sure, you wanted to go to Bora-Bora, but where is this ship going?

This solution is by David Welbourn, and is based on Release 1 of the game.


d On thebridge On thedeck A veryvery smallcorridor Lido Deck,HMS Recalcitrant(Eighth-class) u

Lido Deck, HMS Recalcitrant (Eighth-class)

> i. x outfit. x pom-poms. x boxes. push boxes.

> x barrel. look in barrel. x photo. take it. n. u.

On the deck

> x sailor. sailor, hi. ask sailor about ship.

> ask sailor about captain. ask sailor about love.

> show photo to sailor. show outfit to sailor. show pom-poms to sailor.

> w.

On the bridge

> x Bob. x wheel. Bob, hi. ask Bob about ship. ask Bob about oil.

> ask Bob about love. ask Bob about Nessie. kiss Bob.

> kill Bob.

*** You have died ***

> undo

> show photo to Bob. turn wheel. e.

On the deck

> x eel. ask sailor about captain. ask sailor about eel.

> ask sailor about ship. kiss sailor. kill sailor.

> kill eel.

*** You have died ***

> undo

> kiss eel.

*** You have died ***

> undo

> show outfit to sailor. x outfit.

> x H. take H. put H on eel.

*** You have won ***






Thank You to my Patreon supporters

This walkthrough is provided free of charge since I wrote this walkthrough prior to January 2015 when I began my Patreon account, and also because the work it's based on has less than fifteen locations (so I wouldn't have charged for it anyway). I've since reformatted this walkthrough to use my currently preferred style. I hope you enjoy it!

I'm still creating new walkthroughs! Larger ones too! Please visit my Patreon account if you're interested in helping me create more interactive fiction walkthroughs. I appreciate all the help I can get! Thanks again.