In this nerdy puzzle game, you play as a 13-year-old youth carrying a lot of emotional baggage in the one-horse town of Erehwon, Aksarben. You're desperate to gain the approval of Smurf and his gang and join in their game of "Nowhere, Nebraska", but they need five dice to play and nobody's got any.
This solution is by David Welbourn, and is based on Release 1.0 of the game.
SPOILERS AHEAD. Reading a walkthrough prematurely can sometimes diminish one's enjoyment of an interactive fiction game. Please make an honest effort to play the game before reading this walkthrough.
You must navigate in the desert using relative directions (forward, back, left, right). If you try to use compass directions to move, you'll move in a random direction.
The player must be wearing the pith helmet to survive in the deadly hot edges of the desert.
Walking on a red path on the far left or right sides of the map not only flips the player from antimatter to matter or vice-versa, it also flips your sense of left and right. So very confusing.
After Mr Bird explodes, the road to Nowhere is replaced with the portal to Llanfair. Hope you got everything you wanted from Nowhere first!
Map 4: Nowhere, Nebraska
Map 5: The Planet Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
When activated, the empty doorframe becomes a teleportation node through which one may return to either Erehwon: West Main Street (outside the museum) or Erehwon: East Main Street (outside the coffee house) depending on which number you typed into the keypad. Teleportation through the doorframe is one-way; to return to the park, you'll have to go through the Klein desert again.
CAUTION: If you enter the doorframe after entering a bad number, you arrive in a black hole.
CAUTION: If you enter the doorframe and arrive in Erehwon, you still will die if you're carrying something made of matter in an open box.
Walkthrough
You are "Andrew" (not your real name), a 13-year-old boy who wants to be invited to join Smurf and his game at their game in the coffee house.
There are several special commands you need to know about:
FORWARD (FO); BACKWARD (BACK or BA); LEFT (LE); RIGHT (RI). These are relative directions. They move the player-character appropriately, based on the direction he is facing.
FACE LEFT, etc. Turns the player to face a different direction without walking anywhere.
REMEMBER something for in-game note-taking.
NOTE number or FOOTNOTE number for reading the footnotes.
MACAVITY or HELP for opening the in-game help system.
Erehwon: Crossroads
> commands.
> note 1. note 2. note 3.
> x me. i. x baggage.
> x light. x buildings.
Let's go to that coffee house right away:
> e. e. s.
Erehwon: Java(tm) Coffee House
> x Stanley. x counter. x jukebox.
> listen to jukebox. g. g. g. g. g. g.
> x door. x window. x tables.
> x blue chair. x red chair.
> x Smurf. x gang. x game.
> ask Smurf about game. ask Smurf about dice.(Needs five dice.)
> look under table.(+2; find eight-sided die)
> x die.
"Accrington" Stanley can be very chatty if you refer to him as Accrington. (I found, however, that "him" works just as well if you call him Accrington once and never call him Stanley.)
> ask Accrington about himself.
> ask him about me.(Your name is "Cedric".)
> ask him about baggage. ask him about my name.
> ask him about jukebox. ask him about CD.
> ask him about Smurf. ask him about dice.
> ask him about Erehwon. ask him about Armpit.
> ask him about coffee. ask him for coffee.
Let's continue:
> s.
Erehwon: Junk room
> x junk. x helmet. wear it.
> x record. take it.
> x magazine. read it. drop it.
> x bladder. x pump.
> inflate bladder with pump. drop pump.
> x compass. take it.
> x trap. x coathanger. take it.
> n.
Erehwon: Java(tm) Coffee House
> show record to Accrington. drop it.
Time to explore the rest of Erehwon.
> n. e.
Erehwon: East Main Street (3)
> x sign.("Now leaving Erehwon")
> w. n.
Wooden bridge
> x bridge. x equations.
> x sign.("The Haunted Maze. Hamilton Fish, Prop.")
> x bag. take bag.
Let's not enter the maze just yet.
> s. w. w.
Erehwon: Crossroads
You've seen the east side of town. Try north next.
> n.
Erewhon: North Boulevard (1)
> x ferret. x forest. n.
Erewhon: North Boulevard (2)
> x bog.(You can't go in there.)
> s. s.
Erehown: Crossroads
North was a waste of time. What about south?
> s. s.
Erehown: South Boulevard (2)
> x sign.("Klein Desert National Monument")
> x sun. x desert.
A parallel universe sounds promising, but there's still the west side of town to see.
> n. n. w. w. nw.
Erehwon: Alley
> smell. x card. take it.
> x machine.
> x keypad. note 4. x slot. x screen.
> x green button. x help button. x receptacle.
> push help.(You need a suitable card and its PIN.)
> x wall. x graffiti. read it.(Many "love" Amanda.)
> se. w. s.
Erehwon: Erehwon Municipal Museum
> x windows. x exhibits.
> x plaque. read it.("The Icosian Game")
> note 5.
> x gap. look in gap. x duality card.
> x game.(Board with 20 pegs in dodecahedron diagram)
> x pegs.(Numbered from 1 to 20. Consecutive numbers are always adjacent.)
> x peg 1.(adjacent to pegs 2, 5, and 20)
If you wish to, feel free to examine the rest of the twenty pegs, but you really don't need to.
> n. w.
Erehwon: West Main Street (4)
> x suburbs.
> w.(no: you don't want to go home yet)
Return to the coffee house and ask Accrington about what you've seen.
> e. e. e. e. e. e. s.
Erehwon: Java(tm) Coffee House
> ask Accrington about maze. ask him about Hamilton.
> ask him about ghost. ask him about bird.
> ask him about plague.
> ask him about bridge. ask him about desert.
> ask him about horse.(Cab number is 1729.)
> ask him about number.
> ask him about Srinivasa.
Return to the south end of town:
> n. w. w. s. s.
Erehwon: South Boulevard (2)
Make sure your helmet is on. It's your only protection against the heat in the deadliest parts of the desert.
> s.
Look up Mobius strip and Klein bottle if you're unfamiliar with them. Look at map 3 carefully, and understand that the left and right ends are joined like a mobius strip, with a half-twist that reverses what left and right mean!
You will also learn that you and all of Erehwon are part of an antimatter universe, and the oppposite dimension, where Nowhere is, is made of matter. Walking across the left or right edges of the desert map converts you and everything you're carrying from antimatter to matter and vice-versa.
Be careful! If matter and antimatter ever touch, they annihilate each other in an explosion! The game will usually warn you with a sense of foreboding if you examine something with the opposite polarity as yourself. Some things, like the desert itself, are made of nozium, which is neutral and can be safely touched by both matter and antimatter.
I mapped the desert using a deck of cards that I found in Nowhere, leaving a different card in every location. Feel free to do the same when you get those cards, but for now, just trust me, okay?
Edge of Klein Desert (entry to Erehwon)
> x sign.("Welcome to Erehwon, Aksarben")
> x compass.(Compass directions are no good here.)
> forward.
Klein desert (at doubloon)
> x doubloon.(It's matter; don't touch it!)
The doubloon marks the center of the desert map, inbetween both universes that the desert connects to. The doubloon is such a useful landmark, I recommend leaving it there forever, even when it's safe to take.
> forward.
Edge of Klein Desert (entry to Nowhere)
> x sign.(mirrored "Welcome to Nowhere, Nebraska")
You dare not enter Nowhere while you are still antimatter. Return to the doubloon, turn right, and walk forward several times until you return to the doubloon, then turn left. You'll be back here, but as matter.
> back. right. fo. g. g. g. g. g. g. g. left.
> x sign.("Welcome to Nowhere, Nebraska")
> fo.(+4)
Nowhere: South Boulevard (2)
> x six die. take it.(+1)
> x sign.(bulletridden)
Klein Desert National Monument
Travellers returning from the Klein Desert report becoming completely disoriented, so that the only directions they can be sure of are forward, backward, left and right. There have been rumors of aparallel universe on the other side.
The missing letters, taken backwards, spell: DROP ANTIBIRD AT DESERT'S EDGE ALAS.
> n. n.
Nowhere: Crossroads
> x light. x shops.
Try east first.
> e. e.
Nowhere: East Main Street (2)
> x coffee house.(closed)
> e.
Nowhere: East Main Street (3)
> x sign.("Now leaving Nowhere")
> w. n.
Nowhere: Wooden bridge
> x bridge. x sign. x maze.(closed)
> x deck. take it.
> x ace. x ace of hearts. x ten of clubs.
> s. w. w. n. n. n.
Nowhere: Bird Sanctuary
> listen.
> x Bird. ask bird about bird.("toad the wet sprocket")
> take Bird.(+6)
> feed seed to Bird.
> s. s. s. w. w. nw.
Nowhere: Alley
> x machine. put ATM card in slot.
> type 1729 on keypad.(The machine swallows the card; the bank logo is a red fish.)
> se. w.
Nowhere: West Main Street (3)
> x museum.(closed)
> w.
Nowhere: West Main Street (4)
> x suburbs.
> w.(no: uninteresting)
Nowhere might be nicer-looking than Erehwon, but all you get from it is one die, a deck of cards, a bird, and the clue from the bulletridden sign.
Return to the desert, turn yourself (and everything you carry) into antimatter, then re-enter Erehwon.
> e. e. e. e. s. s. s.
Edge of Klein desert (Nowhere entry)
Mr. Bird uncharacteristically pecks you hard in this location. This is an extra clue that you're meant to drop him here — but don't do that yet!
> fo. ri. fo. g. g. g. g. g. g. g. ri.
Edge of Klein desert (Erehwon entry)
> x sign.(to verify)
> fo. n. n. e. e. s.
Erehwon: Java(tm) Coffee House
I'd never think to do this if it wasn't suggested by the author's own walkthrough. Normally, Mr. Bird doesn't follow your orders, and this attack is completely unmotivated.
> Bird, attack Smurf.
> n. n. n.
Erehwon: Maze entrance / In the maze (20 locations)
See map 2. All you need to do is visit all twenty locations without revisiting any except this entrance room at the end of your traversal.
When I first played this game, I mapped the maze and solved it without any hints except for what's in the museum. You don't really need the bird for this, especially if you're following a walkthrough, but having the bird is supposedly the most "fun" way of traversing this maze.
> x walls.
> ne. n. w. s. ne.
> n. n. e. e. s.
> s. w. n. n. nw.
> sw. s. s. se. s.(+5)
Back at the maze entrance, Sir William's ghost complains about 1729, saying that another number is much more interesting. This new number is randomized, and you can now REMEMBER NUMBERS.
Head back to the Nowhere entry point in the desert:
> s. s. w. w. s. s. s. fo. fo.
Edge of Klein desert (Nowhere entry)
You get another vicious peck and a reminder that you (and Mr Bird) are currently antimatter. Time to drop the anti-bird, alas.
> drop Bird.
Mr. Bird flies into Nowhere and explodes. A wormhole to somewhere new replaces South Boulevard.
> x guilt. x wormhole.
> enter wormhole.
Park entrance
You're on the planet Llanfairpwllgwyngyll.
> x sign. note 6. note 7. note 8.
So, now you know about Nozium, and since you were anti-matter when you entered the wormhole, you're matter now. Heed the warning that something made of matter or anti-matter could be inside something else here.
> n.
Tower, ground floor
> x slits. x staircase. u.
Tower, top floor
> x book. read it. note 9.
> x box. x arms. open box.(four-sided die, but its opposite matter.)
> close box. take box.
> u.
Tower, observation deck
You see the park's layout, but everything's too far away to see any details.
> d. d. s. ne. n. n.
Park, north edge (near NW corner)
> x paper.(ASCII map of the Haunted Maze.)
> se.
Park, west of the empty doorframe
> x doorframe. e.
Park, east of the empty doorframe
This doorframe can help you get back to Erehwon quickly, but it can be dangerous.
> x doorframe. x notice. read small print.
> x keypad. note 10.
> se.
Park, outside the grumpy door
> x door. x notice.(Get password from Park Office, but the office is closed.)
> x phone. say "hello".
> w. w.
Fountain
The bloodchuck wanders and isn't always here.
> x bloodchuck. x fountain.
> x monkeys. x water. x gravel.
> x rim. sit on rim.
If necessary, wait for the bloodchuck to show up.
> say "hello".
Portnoy asks for your name. Accrington said it.
> say "Cedric".
Introductions over, you may now ask him about topics, but there's only one topic you need ask him about.
> ask Portnoy about password.(+3; "fast and bulbous")
You may now "remember password". Portnoy leaves by turning inside-out (ugh), and warns you not to take any wooden nickels.
> x vision.
> stand. e. e.
Park, outside the grumpy door
> say "fast and bulbous". e.
Glade entrance
The door closes behind you. DON'T take the nickel!
> x nickel. x door.
> x trees. x oak. x alder. x elm.
> x araucaria. x construction.
> e.
Leafy glade (1)
> x sign.("Walton Pond" to east)
> ne. n.
Clearing
> x CD. take it.
> x hole. x grenade.
> bend wire —or— straighten wire.
> take grenade with wire.
> s. sw. w.
Glade entrance
> say "fast and bulbous".
You need a different password? We'll see about that.
> e.
Leafy glade
> face west. take pin. throw grenade west.(+4)
> w.
Glade entrance
> x door.(It's still there, but open forever now.)
> say "sorry".
> w. w. w. w. sw. w. fo.
Klein desert (at doubloon)
> drop box.
> ri. fo. g. g. g. g. g. g. g.
> take box. x it. open it. take four-sided.(+3)
Unfortunately, you're currently matter, so you need to make another circuit of the desert to get back to antimatter.
> fo. g. g. g. g. g. g. g. g.
You're back at the doubloon.
> left.
Edge of Klein desert (at Erehwon sign)
> x sign.(to verify where you are)
> fo. n. n. e. e. s.
Erehwon: Java(tm) Coffee House
> give CD to Stanley.(+4; he drops a key.)
You can now REMEMBER LYRICS to The Twa Magicians. Note which shapes the smith used to counter the lady's shapes, and that the smith wore a right hand glove.
> take key.(It's from the Llanfair park?)
> note 11.
Return to Llanfair.
> n. w. w. s. s. s. fo. fo. fo.
Park entrance
> d.
Stairwell
> unlock door with key. n.
Security Centre
> x console. x switch.
> put key in slot. turn it.
On the screen, you see a Klingon killed by a shapechanging fish.
> push intervene.
The Klingon is saved and a glove appears.
> take glove. x it.("E. Kant")
> push next.
On the screen, you see Mr. Bird die.
> push intervene.
Mr. Bird is saved with a second wormhole, and your glove is now left-handed.
> take key. s.
A security guard arrives, screams at you, and locks the door behind you.
Stairwell
> u. w. fo.
Klein desert (at doubloon)
> drop glove.
> ri. fo. g. g. g. g. g. g. g.
> wear glove.(+4, plus bonus 4. It's now right-handed.)
> left. fo.
Park entrance
> ne. e. e. e. e. e. e.
Path (1)
> x paving. se. s.
Walton Pond
> x bench. x rod. x knife. x pond.
> sit on bench. fish.
> z.(Repeat until you reel in a fish.)
If the fish is a red herring:
> x herring. take it.(It falls back into the lake.)
Now fish again and wait until the next fish.
If the fish is a magical trout:
> x trout. take it.
You are now in a transformation battle with a lady where you must triumph or perish. If you need to, REMEMBER LYRICS, and turn yourself into the appropriate shape based on the lady's shape.
If the lady turns into a ...
duck >turn into drake.
hare >turn into greyhound.
mare >turn into saddle.
girdle >turn into cake.
plaid >turn into green covering. (+3; you have two new dice)
trout >put trout into lake.
Now fish again and wait until the next fish.
If the fish is a striped bass:
> x bass. take it.(+1 bonus)
You automatically gut the fish and put the rod and knife back on the bench. You're done fishing.
> n. nw. w. w. w. nw.
Park, east of the empty doorframe
> remember numbers.
> type 1729 on keypad.
> w.
Erehwon: West Main Street (outside museum)
> e. nw.
Erehwon: Alley
> put duality card in slot.
> remember numbers.
> type interesting-number on keypad.
> put twelve die in receptacle.
> push green button.(+3)
> take all from receptacle.(It's a 20-sided die now.)
> i. x pang.
> se. e. e. e. e. s.
Erehwon: Java(tm) Coffee House
> give dice to Smurf.(+18; 3 per die, plus an extra 3 for the twenty-sider.)
Smurf invites you join them and suggests sitting in the blue chair. But if you sit in the blue chair, you die, and if you sit in the red chair, your victory feels very hollow.
Cedric Smith is a 13-year-old boy living in Erehwon and the protagonist. He prefers to be called "Andrew".
Smurf and his gang are seated at Smurf's table in the coffee house. They want to play a game, but they need five dice to play it.
"Accrington" Stanley Fish is the owner of the coffee house. You can ask him about many topics but he'll only answer if you call him Accrington. (See Accrington Stanley F.C. at Wikipedia.
Mr. Bird is a budgie you acquire from Nowhere's bird sanctuary. He's far more friendly than Smurf ever will be.
Sir William Rowan Hamilton invented the Icosian Game. You see his ghost at the end of the maze. (See William Rowan Hamilton and Icosian game at Wikipedia.)
Portnoy is the bloodchuck who's sometimes at the fountain. (See Portnoy's Complaint at Wikipedia.)
A grumpy door says grumpy remarks if you say anything to it other than its password.
A security guard angrily screams at you when you leave the security chamber.
A red herring, a magical trout and a striped bass can be caught at Walton Pond. The herring cannot be kept. The trout is a lady who's a shapechanger! But the bass you can gut and keep for dinner. (See Red herring, The Twa Magicians, and Walden Pond at Wikipedia.)
Death silently watches your battle with the magical trout, if you seem to be losing.
A warden garrots you if you blow up the pond.
Mentioned:
Your mother told you to stay away from Smurf. You hope she'll let you keep Mr. Bird.
Cornwallis arm-wrestled Washington in the coffee shop.
Elmer, the one horse in the one-horse towns of Erehwon and Nowhere, is colour-blind.
Srinivasa Ramanujan owns the ATM card you find in the alley. (He's a famous mathematician; see Srinivasa Ramanujan at Wikipedia.)
Zygmund Z. Zzzqrt owns the duality card that you find. At least, that's what the signature on the duality card looks like to you.
Hamilton Fish is Stanley's brother. He's the owner/operator of the Haunted Maze in Erehwon.
Cecil Blunt is the singer/musician named on the record and the CD. (See Cecil Sharp at Wikipedia.)
The phrase "Toad the Wet Sprocket", which Mr. Bird says when you first meet him, is the name of a rock band. (See Toad the Wet Sprocket at Wikipedia.)
Rhodri ap Morgan wrote the book about the Boscardians.
Stanley's grandfather got the key from a leprechaun.
A Klingon in Bermuda shorts is seen fishing on a console screen.
E. Kant is named on the glove. (See Immanuel Kant at Wikipedia.)
Van Winkle is presumably a junior security guard now in big trouble with the guard who yells at you.
Gordon Bennett's name is used an an epithet in the yelling guard's rant.
Doctor Livingstone is Smurf's nickname for you when he sees you wearing the pith helmet.
Long John Silver is Smurf's nickname for you when he sees you with a bird on your shoulder.
Michael Jackson is Smurf's nickname for you when he sees you wearing a single glove.
Birds in their hundreds can be heard in the bird sanctuary.
Credits
This is the game's banner text:
Erehwon Interactive Fiction by Jos. Pinkfoot
Release 1.0
Copyright (c) 1999 by Pinkfoot Absurdities, Inc[1]. All Rights Reserved.
Developed with TADS: The Text Adventure Development System.
Send bug reports to: Rick Litherland (email redacted).
For a list of special commands, type "commands". (I recommend that you do this before starting the game. Please.)
Acknowledgements: I'd like to thank Vincent Lynch and Patrick Hardlentil for their considerable efforts in beta-testing to make this a better game than it used to be. Its remaining faults are my responsibility.
>note 1 [1] Josiah Pinkfoot is the sole proprietor of Pinkfoot Absurdities, Inc. He is currently living incognito in Ulan Bator, and will be most upset if anyone tries to contact him. Messages may be sent c/o his amanuensis, R. A. Litherland (email redacted), who will forward them by carrier pigeon, slow boat, and yak.
Endings
You have died
if you enter the deadly hot zone of the desert when not wearing the pith helmet.
if you touch anything made of matter when you're made of antimatter or vice-versa.
if you enter Nowhere when you're antimatter.
if you enter Erehwon when you're matter.
if you enter Erehwon with an open box containing a die made of matter.
if you open the box in Erehwon when the die inside is made of matter.
if you enter the doorframe when it's open to a black hole.
if you drop the live grenade.
if you put the live grenade into the pond.
if you PERISH.
if you lose the shapechanging battle at Walton Pond.
if you sit on the blue chair; it's the Siege Perilous. (See Siege Perilous at Wikipedia.)
In the back of your mind, though, a nagging thought insists that you could have saved Mr. Bird and still found all the dice, somehow...
if you sit on the red chair, after confirming Mr. Bird's death.
You feel like a Dweller in the Outer Darkness, though.
if you sit on the red chair, after saving Mr. Bird.
But you feel like a human being.
if you leave the coffee shop and are re-united with Mr. Bird.
Footnotes
Footnotes are numbered in the order they're discovered in the game. I'm using the numbers obtained in this walkthough.
Pinkfoot Absurdities, Inc[1]from game header
[1] Josiah Pinkfoot is the sole proprietor of Pinkfoot Absurdities, Inc. He is currently living incognito in Ulan Bator, and will be most upset if anyone tries to contact him. Messages may be sent c/o his amanuensis, R. A. Litherland (email redacted), who will forward them by carrier pigeon, slow boat, and yak.
"footnote 567"[2]viacommands
[2] Not that there are 567 footnotes. Yet.
"macavity"[3]viacommands
[3] Or "help". You'll be able to continue with the game without seeing any spoilers.
GNU[4] keypadviax keypad @ Erehwon: Alley
[4] Gnomic Nostrums Unlimited trades in all the known universes and has an amazingly wide range of products, all of the highest quality and surprisingly cheap. In this universe they've only managed to sell keypads. Go figure.
quaternions[5]viax plaque @ Erehwon Municipal Museum
[5] Hamilton claimed he was so excited by this discovery that he carved the fundamental equations on Brougham Bridge, which he happened to be passing at the time. Some scholars suspect that he made this up, but there's a plaque there now.
Llanfairpwllgwyngyll[6]viax sign @ Park Entrance
[6] In our language, the name means "pretty good planet". Some Welsh nutter tried to persuade us to lengthen it to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch to attract more tourists. What a daft idea!
Nozium[7]viax sign @ Park Entrance
[7] Nozium, the third form of matter, can coexist with both ordinary matter and antimatter. The Klein desert is also made of Nozium, though the sands have long since obliterated any traces of the old mines there.
without fear of explosion[8]viax sign @ Park Entrance
[8] Since you've arrived through a wormhole, this is just as well. Wormholes switch things between matter and antimatter in strict accordance with Murphy's Law.
non-orientable[9]viaread book @ Tower, top floor
[9] There was a footnote at this point in the book as well. It read:
"My mathematical friends have spent hours trying to explain this term, and how it can be applied to a three-dimensional space. They have covered reams of paper with pictures of Moebius bands, and Klein bottles, and people looking in mirrors. It has all been in vain."
GNU[10] keypadviax keypad @ Park, east of the empty doorframe
[10] Gnomic Nostrums Unlimited trades in all the known universes and has an amazingly wide range of products, all of the highest quality and surprisingly cheap.
left hand was bare[11]viagive CD to Stanley
[11] Mr. Blunt has clearly got hold of a corrupt version. The next-to-last verse is missing, and the glove motif seems to have strayed in from "Tam Lin". This would only concern a purist, which you are not.
Inventory
Mental
a lot of emotional baggage. You're carrying it.
a burden of guilt. This replaces your emotional baggage when Mr. Bird dies.
a sense of loss. This replaces your burden when you save Mr. Bird from his fate by using the controls in the Security Centre.
Presumably you lose the sense of loss when (and if) you are reunited with Mr. Bird at game's end.
a gruesome vision. You're carrying this after Portnoy, the bloodchuck, turns inside-out.
The vision dissipates a few turns later.
a pang of regret. You obtain this when you put the trout back into the pond. It never goes away.
numbers. When you solve the haunted maze, a ghost tells you two numbers. You can now REMEMBER NUMBERS.
The uninteresting number is always 1729, but the interesting number is chosen at random.
1729 is the PIN number to use with the ATM machine in Nowhere's alley (see ATM card), and the interesting number is the number to use with the duality machine in Erehwon's alley (see duality card).
Both numbers can be typed on the empty doorframe's keypad in Llanfair to connect the frame to locations in Erehwon. All other numbers lead to black holes.
password. At the fountain, Portnoy, the bloodchuck, tells you the password when you ask him about it. You can now REMEMBER PASSWORD.
First, examine the notice at the grumpy door to know you need a password in the first place. Then go to the fountain and sit on its rim. Greet the bloodchuck when he arrives. He introduces himself as Portnoy and asks for your name. If you talked to Accrington enough, you know your name: SAY "CEDRIC". Now ask Portnoy about the password.
At the grumpy door, SAY "FAST AND BULBOUS". It opens, but slams shut after you go through it. Note that the same password won't work from the door's east side. Instead, you need a grenade.
lyrics. The song The Twa Magicians plays when you give Stanley the CD. You can now REMEMBER LYRICS which will help when you catch the magical trout who is also a lady.
Make sure you're wearing a right hand glove while fishing; it gives you the magical power to transform yourself during this battle.
When the lady becomes a duck: BECOME DRAKE.
When the lady becomes a hare: BECOME GREYHOUND.
When the lady becomes a mare: BECOME SADDLE.
When the lady becomes a girdle: BECOME CAKE.
When the lady becomes a plaid, BECOME GREEN COVERING.
When the lady becomes a trout (again), PUT TROUT IN POND.
Dice
When you have five different types of dice, return to the coffee house and give them all to Smurf.
an eight-sided die. Acquire it by looking under Smurf's table in the coffee house.
a six-sided die. It's on the southernmost end of Nowhere's South Boulevard.
CAUTION: While the box is made of always safe-to-touch nozium, the four-sided die will be of either matter or antimatter, and almost certainly the opposite of whatever you are.
Take the box to where the doubloon in the desert is, drop the box there, then circle the desert to reverse yourself. Now you can safely take the die from the box.
two twelve-sided dice. After learning the lyrics to The Twa Magicians, you can acquire these dice at Walton Pond by fishing, then prevailing against the magical trout (who is also a lady); see lyrics.
Convert one of the two dice into a twenty-sided die (which see).
a twenty-sided die. In Erehwon's alley, put the duality card into the slot, type the interesting number on the keypad, put a twelve-sided die into the receptacle, then push the green button. The die in the receptacle is changed into a twenty-sided die. Take it.
Useful
a pith helmet. It's in the junk room.
Wear the helmet and leave it on. It's your only defense against the deadly heat in the desert.
a compass. It's in the junk room.
It's of no use in the desert, but elsewhere, examining the compass tells you which way you're facing.
a wire coathanger. It's in the junk room. You can bend it into a straightened coathanger and that into an approximation to a coathanger and back again.
In the clearing, take the grenade with the straightened coathanger.
a duality card. It's in the gap behind the plaque in the Erehwon Municipal Museum.
In Erehwon's alley, put the duality card in the slot, type the interesting number on the keypad, put a twelve-sided die in the receptacle, then push the green button. The machine turns the twelve-sided die into a twenty-sided die.
Mr. Bird. He's in Nowhere's bird sanctuary.
Optional: Take Mr. Bird with you when traversing the haunted maze. He will tell you when you make a mistake.
Optional: Order Mr. Bird to attack Smurf, just for the lolz.
When Mr. Bird is antimatter, go to the edge of the desert outside Nowhere and drop him. He runs back into Nowhere and explodes, creating a wormhole to Llanfair.
Optional but very recommended: In the security Centre, after saving the Klingon by pushing the intervene button, you can now save Mr. Bird the same way. At game's end, after giving all the dice to Smurf, leave the coffee house to be reunited with Mr. Bird for the best ending.
a deck of cards. It's on Nowhere's wooden bridge. It may be restyled into a pack of cards.
Note that you can examine individual cards, eg: Ace of hearts or Nine of diamonds. Drop cards in the haunted maze or in the desert to help you map them. (Of course, with a walkthrough and maps, you don't need the cards for that.)
a steel box. It's on the top floor in Llanfair's tower.
In Llanfair or in the desert, you can safely open the box to see it contains the four-sided die.
CAUTION: While the box is made of always safe-to-touch nozium, the four-sided die will be of either matter or antimatter.
a piece of paper. It's in the westernmost north edge of Llanfair's park.
It's a map of the Haunted Maze, which ought to be very helpful except by the time you find this paper, you've probably already solved the maze.
a compact disc. It's in the clearing east of Llanfair's park wall.
Give this CD to Accrington Stanley in the coffee house. He drops a key. Also, while the CD plays, you hear a useful set of lyrics.
a hand grenade. It's in the hole in the clearing east of Llanfair's park wall. Take the grenade with the straightened coathanger.
At the glade entrance, after learning that the grumpy door doesn't accept the password from this side, go east to leafy glade, FACE WEST, pull the locking pin (from the grenade), then throw the grenade. The grumpy door is no longer an obstacle.
After pulling the pin, you do have the option of putting the pin back in the grenade.
After the grumpy door is permanently open, you no longer need the pin.
a fishing rod. It's at Walton Pond.
Sit on the bench and fish; you take the rod automatically. You will randomly catch a red herring, a magic trout (see lyrics), a striped bass, or nothing. If you catch nothing, keep trying or just wait.
When you acquire the bass, you automatically put the fishing rod down. You no longer need to fish.
a brass key. Accrington Stanley drops this key when you give him the CD.
The key unlocks the door in the Llanfair stairwell that leads to the security chamber.
Inside the security chamber, put the key into the slot then turn the key to turn the console on.
After you've saved Mr. Bird and you're chased out, the security door is relocked and your key no longer works.
a right-hand glove. It appears in the security chamber when you push the intervene button, saving the Klingon seen on the screen.
If you save Mr. Bird as well, the right-hand glove is transformed into a left-hand glove. Drop the left-hand glove in the desert and traverse the desert to turn it back into a right-hand glove.
Wear the right-hand glove; it's magical. The right-hand glove gives you the ability to turn yourself into other shapes during your battle with the magic trout; see lyrics.
Note: The power of the glove is not strong enough on its own; you also need to be within a strong magical field which only exists during your magical battle at the pond. So, no turning yourself into cake in the coffee shop.
a gutting knife. It's at Walton Pond.
You will use the knife automatically when you catch the striped bass, then put the knife back. Don't worry about it.
a striped bass. You may catch this fish when fishing at Walton Pond.
When you take the bass from the fishing rod, you automatically gut it with the knife and drop both the rod and knife. This signals you've done as much as you can at the pond. The bass will be your dinner, so it's free food, yay, but you don't need it to win the game. You do earn a bonus point for it, though, so I'm counting the bass and knife as "useful" for that point alone.
Junk
a long-playing record. It's in the junk room.
You can show the record to Accrington to learn that he wants a CD version of the same song. But you can ignore the record.
a magazine. It's in the junk room.
You can read it, but you have no use for the magazine.
a pig's bladder. It's in the junk room.
You can try to inflate it with the pump, but the bladder isn't airtight. You have no use for the bladder.
a bicycle pump. It's in the junk room.
You can try to inflate the bladder with the pump, but the effort is futile. You have no use for the pump.
a broken mouse trap. It's in the junk room.
You have no use for the mouse trap.
a bag of birdseed. It's on Erehwon's wooden bridge.
Give some to Mr, Bird, if you wish to. He appreciates it. But you don't actually need the birdseed, as far as I know.
an ATM card. It's in Erehwon's alley.
In Nowhere's alley, you may put the ATM card into the slot and type 1729 on the keypad. While it's clear that that was the correct PIN number, the ATM machine nevertheless swallows the card, does not dispense any money, and briefly displays a red fish logo. Which means the ATM card is a "red herring" and useless.
a doubloon. It's in the Klein desert between the two edges.
CAUTION: The doubloon is made of matter and you're initially made of antimatter. You must first walk through the deadliest part of the Klein desert to turn yourself into matter before it's safe to take the doubloon; see pith helmet.
However, I recommend leaving the doubloon where it is regardless. You have no need for the doubloon, and its placement acts as a very useful landmark.
a book. It's on the top floor in Llanfair's tower.
Read the book to learn about the Boscardians who connected the universes to the desert in the first place. You don't need to know this, and it doesn't really explain anything except to tell you that this setup was deliberate.
a wooden nickel. It's in Llanfair's glade entrance.
CAUTION: Don't ignore Portnoy's farewell to not take any wooden nickels! If you take the nickel, you lose 100 points.
a red herring. You may catch this fish when fishing at Walton Pond.
You barely have it. When you try to take the herring from your fishing rod, it falls back into the pond. You don't need the herring.
Score
The response to SCORE is either:
In several turns, you have achieved a score of your-score points out of a possible 60, which makes you your-status.
or:
In several turns, you have achieved a score of your-score points out of a possible 60, plus number bonus points for a total of total, which makes you your-status.
The maximum score is 65. Points are awarded (or deducted) as follows:
2 points for acquiring the eight-sided die.
4 points for entering Nowhere for the first time.
1 point for acquiring the six-sided die.
6 points for acquiring Mr. Bird.
5 points for walking a Hamiltonian circuit in the haunted maze.
3 points for learning the password from Portnoy.
4 points for exploding the grumpy door's mechanism with a hand grenade.
3 points for safely taking the four-sided die from its box.
4 points for giving the compact disc to Stanley.
4 points for wearing the right-hand glove.
3 points for acquiring two twelve-sided dice.
3 points for making a twenty-sided die.
3 points for giving a die to Smurf.
3 points for giving a second die to Smurf.
3 points for giving a third die to Smurf.
3 points for giving a fourth die to Smurf.
6 points for giving a fifth die to Smurf.
−100 points for taking the wooden nickel.
−4 points for exploding the grenade somewhere unhelpful.
4 bonus points for re-acquiring a right-hand glove after saving Mr. Bird.
1 bonus point for acquiring a striped bass for dinner.
The known statuses are:
a Dweller in the Outer Darkness.(negative points)
a Postulant Third Class.(0 to 9 points)
a Novice of the Twelfth Circle.(10 to 19 points)
an Initiate of the Minor Arcana.(21 to 29 points)
an Adept of the Runcible Mysteries.(32 to 37 points)
an Enlightened Member of the Inner Hexagon.(41 to 47 points)
the Keeper of the Sacred Keyring.(50 to 59 points)
the Grand Exalted Panjandrum.(60 points)
the Grand Exalted Panjandrum (with bells on).(65 points)
