In this playful surreal puzzler about philosophy, you play as a university student who, after a night of drinking, wakes up in a literal representation of The Chinese Room thought experiment. Outside the room, more philosophical concepts are manifest. Solve all the problems to learn where you are and why you're there.
This solution is by David Welbourn, and is based on Release 1 of the game.
SPOILERS AHEAD. Reading a walkthrough prematurely can sometimes diminish one's enjoyment of an interactive fiction game. Please make an honest effort to play the game before reading this walkthrough.
> x poster. x characters. x patch. x hatch. x window.
> x desk. open drawer. x manual. take it. close drawer.
> x chair. sit on chair.(You stand up again.)
> x computer. x keyboard. x cards.
Try to do something:
> push send. type characters.
> take cards.(No. CONSULT something ABOUT them.)
> consult manual about cards. push send.
> consult manual about cards. push send.
> consult manual about cards. push send.
> consult manual about cards. push send.(You can now LEARN any manual.)
> learn manual.
> x poster.("Look in the drawer")
> open drawer. look in drawer. x key. take key.
> move chair to hatch.
> stand on chair. unlock hatch with key. u.(+5)
Roof
Look about before heading down.
> x beasts. x sun. x pitch. x ladder.
> x castle. x crag. x town. x church.
> x sea. x road. x plains.
> d.
Black Tarmac Road
> x scarecrow. talk to scarecrow.
All conversation in this game is done by selecting menu options.
> 1. 2. 2.(A larger menu appears.)
> 1.(re: here)
> 1.(re: castle)
> 1.(re: north)
> 1.(re: east)
> 1.(re: unicorns)
> 1.(re: west)
> 1.(re: singing)
> 2.(end the conversation)
> think about scarecrow.
> s.(Scarecrow stops you.)
> s.(Anjeline, a small woman from inside the scarecrow, trips you up.)
> x sack. x hat. x waistcoat.
> x scarecrow. x Anjeline. x aerial.
> take aerial.(+2)
The scarecrow's head is a sack that you want to use as a hold-all.
> x homunculi. take sack.
Let's not go south until much later. Try west next.
> w.
Beach
Achilles starts a conversation with you when you arrive.
> 1.(greetings)
> 1.(re: Zeno's cleverness)
> 1.(re: tortoise)
> 1.(re: tortoise again)
> 1.(re: what's happening)
> 1.(re: my participation)
> 2.(re: my motivation)
> 2.(agree to race)
> SPACE
Your choices are GIVE UP or KEEP RUNNING.
> keep running. g. g. g. g. g. g. g. g. g. g. g.
You fall exhausted. Achilles returns you to the start.
> x horizon. x sea. x sand.
> x Zeno. x Achilles. x toga.
> think about Zeno.
You must examine the lanes before talking to Zeno.
> x lanes. x flag.
> talk to Zeno.
> 3.(re: track length)
> 3.(re: shorter lane)
> 1.(re: head start)
> SPACESPACE
+3. You win the race and get the trophy.
> x trophy. put all in sack.
> x dunes. x birds.(You follow them to...)
Sand Dune
> x nest. x eggs. take eggs.
Sometimes you automatically return to the beach when you take the eggs, and sometimes you don't.
> sw.(if necessary)
Beach
> e. n.
Village Street
There's a lot here. We'll take one building or feature at a time.
> x cafe. enter cafe.
Pavement Café
> x Sartre. x server. x kiosk. x menu.
> talk to Sartre.
> 2.(agree)
> 3.(say chosen)
> 1.(re: money)
> 2.(+2. You take his wallet.)
> x wallet.(You remove its contents and discard the wallet itself.)
> x coin. x lighter.
> talk to server.
> 4.(re: lunch)
> 1.(re: sorbet)
> 1.(re: omelet)
> 1.(re: swan)
> 1.(re: eggs, soss and beans. +2; she takes your coin.)
> i. x piece.
> give eggs to server.(She gives you a bottle and tells you to leave her alone.)
> x bottle. out.
Village Street
> x church. enter church.
Church
> x tapestry. x pulpit. x roof.
After three turns in the church, a man does something odd before the tapestry, then leaves.
> x bride. x priest. x door. x carvings.
> talk to priest.(He asks about the invisible pink unicorn.)
> 1.(say no)
> 2.(say no derisively)
> 2.(re: proof)
You gain a burden and automatically leave the church.
Village Street
> x burden.
> x theatre. enter it.(A man tells you it's closed.)
> 1.(ask why)
> 1.(re: name)
> 1.(ridicule unicorn)
> 1.(suggest he convinces others)
> 2.(re: anyone helping)
> 1.(agree to prove unicorn doesn't exist.)
> x director. think about unicorn.
> x pump. x handle. x plaque. pull handle.(You learn you can PUMP ABOUT something if you need a hint.)
> s. e.
On the Edge of the Plains
Note: You won't be willing to venture into the plains without first talking to the theatre director and agreeing to prove the unicorn doesn't exist.
> x crowd. talk to crowd. x badge.
> e.
Wide Plains
> listen.(You're now riding the unicorn!)
You can't "put" the burden on the unicorn. You must "hang" it.
> hang burden on unicorn.(+5. The unicorn's non-existence has been proven.)
On the Edge of the Plains
> w. n.
Village Street
As you arrive, the crowd carries the priest away.
> talk to director.(He gives you a qualiascope.)
> x scope. look through scope.(At what?)
> look through scope at pump.(Or at anything else.)
> x tavern. enter tavern.
Tavern
> x philosophers. x fire.
> x Plato. x Socrates. x Aristotle.
> x booth. x bar.
> talk to Aristotle.
> 3.(re: my benefit)
> 1.(agree)
> 2.(re: bottles)
> 2.(agree to fetch pre-phylloxera claret)
> give bottle to Aristotle.(+5; you get Plato's Works.)
Unfortunately, you can't call the Works a "book". Put the Works into the sack immediately so the other philosophers don't see it.
> i. x Works. put all in sack.
> talk to women.
> 2.(re: glumness)
> 1.(re: men's refusal)
> 3.(re: staying)
> 2.(answer Rand literally then ask about men)
> 1.(re: dancing)
> 1.(end the conversation)
> think about Butler. think about Rand.
> think about Goldman. think about Anscombe.
> talk to Plato. think about Plato.
> talk to Socrates. think about Socrates.
> x machine. push start.
> e.
Logicians' Alleyway
> x Quine. x tables. x copies.
> think about Quine. talk to Quine.
> 2.(re: what's happening)
> 5.(agree)
First cup has two beads. Second cup has one bead. Beads can be red or blue.
> 1.(continue)
> 5.(say all beads are red)
> 3.(ask for tickets: +2)
> read tickets. read leaflet.
> think about Neurath.
If you play again, the logic puzzle will be different.
> w. se. n.
Square
> x madman. x grass. x people.
> talk to madman.
> 2.(re: being lost)
Always choose the "listen patiently" options.
> 2. 5. 3. 3. 3. 3. 5. 3.(+2. He breaks his lantern and heads to the church.)
> x lantern. put all in sack. take lantern.
> attach trophy to lantern. x lantern.
> put lantern in sack.
> think about madman. talk to students.
> n.
Research Institute
> x linoleum. x posters.
> x north door.(Schrodinger)
> x west door.(Nagel)
> x east door.(Mary)
> n.(You leave Schrodinger alone.)
> e.
Colour Lab
> x printer. x computer. x desk. x tube.
> x equipment. x Mary. x goggles.
> talk to Mary.
> 1.(re: her work)
> 1.(say that's peculiar)
> 1.(say she's an expert)
> 1.(re: everything?)
Finally ask about the goggles:
> 1.(re: goggles)
> 3.(re: goggles' function)
> 3.(re: experiencing colour)
> 2.(re: never removing goggles)
> 2.(re: colour expert)
Finally select "(something doesn't add up here)":
> 1.(something doesn't add up here)
> 3.(re: learning from experience)
> 3.(re: the unexpected)
> 2.(re: red apples)
> 1.(say she doesn't know the experience)
> 1.(end the conversation)
> w. w.
Bat Lab
> x man. x model. x posters. x instruments.
> x cabinets. x counters. x bats. x brains.
> talk to man.("What is it like to be a bat?")
> think about Nagel. think about bat.
> e. s. e.
Philosophy Library
> x books. x counter. x ledger. x inkwell.
> x librarian. x desks. x man. x paper.
> talk to librarian.
> 1.(re: fries and shakes)
> talk to librarian.
> 1.(re: Plato)
> 1.(re: something colourful)
> z. z. z.(The librarian gives you a tome.)
> x tome.(A catalogue of sensations!)
> talk to man.
> 2.(re: his writing)
> 1.(ask if he's Karl Marx)
> 2.(re: manual copying)
> 2.(agree to find him a typewriter)
> think about manifesto. think about qualia.
> give tome to librarian.
> give works to librarian. x banana.
> talk to librarian.
> 2.(ask for Encyclopedia again)
While the librarian is gone to fetch the tome:
> put banana in inkwell. x banana. z.
> give tome to librarian.
> w. n. e.
Colour Lab
> give banana to Mary.(+5. She removes the goggles and faints.)
> look. take printer. take tube.
> w. s. e.
Philosophy Library
> give printer to Karl.(+3)
> x manifesto.
> w. s. w.
Fairytale Woods
> x monk. x lumberjack. x axe. x tree.
> talk to monk.
> 1.(ask if you can help)
> 1.(re: reasons)
> 1.(agree it makes a sound)
> 1.(re: proof)
The monk wants something that'll prevent hearing.
> w.
Spooky Part of the Woods
> x trees. x brambles. x formation.
> talk to trees. 1. 1. 1.(The menu opens up.)
> 5.(re: caw)
> 2.(ask if they're a bird)
A raven with a rainbow plumage appears.
> 2.(say you like its plumage)
> 1.(re: coming here)
> 1.(re: talking ravens)
> 1.(re: getting past the bramble)
> 1.(re: telling me how)
> 1.(re: quest)
> 2.(agree to turn the raven's plumage black)
> x raven.
> give tube to raven.(It takes it, but it won't do.)
> e. e. se.
Barbershop
> x hair. x dye. x black dye. x red dye. x white dye.
> x pictures. x bench. x barber. x client.
> talk to barber. talk to client.(The barber interrupts.)
> 1.(ask who the client is)
> 3.(re: revolution)
> 1.(re: this place)
> 1.(re: knowing you)
> 1.(re: this place again)
> 3.(re: castle)
> 1.(end the conversation)
> think about barber.
> take black dye.
> nw. w. w.
Spooky Part of the Woods
> give black dye to raven.(It takes it, but it won't do.)
> e. e. e.
Hill
> x woman. x man. x uniform. x pyre.
> talk to woman.
> 1.(ask if alright)
> 1.(re: calmness)
> 1.(ask how this happened)
He wants her to confess to being a zombie.
> 1.(ask if she is)
> 1.(re: consequences of confessing)
> 1.(re: Holy Sauce)
> 2.(doubt holiness of Holy Sauce)
> 1.(ask why not confess)
> 1.(say she needs proof)
> talk to man.
> 2.(re: Zombiefinder)
> 2.(ask why)
> 2.(re: finding zombies)
> 1.(re: killing zombies)
> 2.(re: what he's doing to the woman)
> 1.(suggest she isn't a zombie)
> 1.(say he'll kill her if she confesses)
> 1.(ask if sauce harms non-zombies)
> 1.(suggest using sauce now)
> 1.(doubt breaking this rule would be so bad)
> 3.(re: burning at stake)
> 1.(end the conversation)
> think about zombie. n.
Outside the Mill
> enter mill.
Inside the Mill
You can only rescue one!
> rescue mother.(+2. The mill explodes. The mitre rolls.)
Outside the Mill
> x mother.(She thanks you and leaves; you get a hanky.)
> x hanky. x mitre.
> x mill.(You find a bucket of pitch.)
> x bucket.
> s. w. w. w.
Spooky Part of the Woods
> give bucket to raven.(+5. It takes it, but it won't do. After giving three black goops to the raven, it sadly pulls back the brambles, then flies off.)
> talk to bat. 1. 1. 3.(The bat moans that no one understands bats.)
> 3. 2.(+2. The bat drops a book of vampire bat poetry.)
> put all in sack. take book. x book. g.
> u. e. e. e. n. n. w.
Bat Lab
> give book to Nagel.(+3. You get a bunch of keys.)
> e. s. s. w. w. w.
Plato's Cave
> unlock padlock with keys.
> talk to people. 1. 1.(They don't care they're unchained.)
> think about cave.
> give manifesto to people.(+5)
> take earmuffs. x earmuffs. e. e.
Fairytale Woods
> give earmuffs to monk.(+5. The lumberjack gives you her axe.)
> x axe. e. e.
Hill
> take scope.
> look through scope at general.(He's a zombie!)
> kill general with axe.(+5)
You start a new conversation with the woman:
> 1.(agree)
The woman gives you a box. Don't open it until you need to dispel an illusion.
> x box. think about ding an sich.
> put all in sack.
> w. ne.
Church
> give hanky to bride. x veil.
> take veil.("Ignorance")put veil in sack.
> talk to bride.
> 2.(ask if better now)
> 1.(ask if she wants to talk)
> 1.(agree to listen. +2)
> think about bride. think about veil.
> sw. n. w.
Museum
> x exhibits. x ship.("Theseus")
> x pirate. x steward.("Tracy")
> x figurehead.
> talk to pirate.
> 1.(re: what happened)
> 4.(suggest licensing agreement)
> 1.(re: renaming the ship)
> 1.(agree to find a better unused ship name)
> think about ship.
> give leaflet to pirate.(+3; the seward offers a choice of exhibits.)
> 1.(re: ruler)
> 2.(re: calculator)
> 3.(re: cube)
> 6.(Take the cube. You can swap later, if you like.)
CAUTION: Never drop the cube! Never put the cube into your sack! It's miscoded as scenery, so you can never take it!
> x cube.
> e. s. s. s.
Outside the Maze
> read sign.
If you go south from here without the lead cube (or without solving the maze earlier), you'll end up in Moral Maze, where PRAY is the only way to escape.
> x hedges. x path. think about maze.
> s.(+3. Using the lead cube, you navigate the maze to...)
At the Foot of an Ivory Tower
> x tower. x guard. listen.
> talk to guard.(She won't let you past.)
> give veil to guard. throw veil at guard.
She's forgotten who she is; a conversation starts:
> 5.(tell her she doesn't impede progress. +2)
You probably want to save here before continuing.
> save
> u.
First chamber
The way back closes behind you.
> x bees.(They're in the shape of a vending machine.)
> think about bees.
> put piece in slot. take first key.(+3)
> unlock door with first key.(You proceed up to...)
Second Chamber
> x door. x machine. put first key in sack.
> x seat. x newspaper. x dials. x mechanics.
> think about time machine.
> take newspaper. put it in sack.
> drop sack.(Take nothing with you!)
Note that the newspaper is from 1957, and this game happens in 2007, a 50 year difference.
> enter machine.
> x dial.(leftmost, middle, or rightmost?)
> x leftmost.(Left means minus; right means plus; currently to right.)
> x middle.(Overbar M at clockwise end; currently far anti-clockwise.)
> x rightmost.(Pointer. No other marks.)
> turn leftmost.(Now minus, to go back in time.)
> turn middle clockwise.(Points at L. L is the Roman numeral for 50.)
> turn rightmost.(+3. You activate the machine, go back in time 50 years, get the second key, and return to the present day.)
> take sack. unlock door with second key.(You ascend to...)
Third Chamber
> put second key in sack.
> x door. x machine. x seat. x keyboard.
> enter machine.("Hello!")
> type hello.
> type YOUR-NAME.
> type I'm solving puzzles.(Or type anything else.)
> type I don't know.(No, it wants a digit.)
Choose any digit except zero.
> type 1(+3; you get the third key.)
> out. unlock door with third key.(You continue to...)
Fourth Chamber
> listen. put third key in sack.
> x skeleton. x hat. x helmet.
> x machine. x seat.
> move skeleton. x bones.
> think about experience machine.
CAUTION: Don't wear the helmet!
> open door.(+5. Ha. This one wasn't locked!)
Final Chamber
The way back is blocked yet again. A demon welcomes you.
> 2.(re: dénoument)
> 3.(ask what this is about)
> 2.(say it was good, derisively)
> 3.(ask where and why)
He tells you this world is an illusion. And we must duel!
> 2.(fight him)
The demon casts a fireball which barely misses you.
> open box.(+10)
Everything begins to vanish. You're falling.
> ENTERENTERENTERENTERENTER
You wake in your bedroom.
*** You have won ***
Extras
Characters
Creatures
The Flying Spaghetti Monsters are playing aerial volleyball over the roof of the hut containing the Chinese Room.
The scarecrow is hanging from a pole by the Black Tarmac Road.
The homunculi, led by Anjeline, are hiding inside the scarecrow. It's unclear exactly what sort of artificial people they are.
The unicorn running on the plains is the Invisible Pink Unicorn, She Who Must Not Be Shod, at least until someone proves she does not exist.
Some birds have a nest hidden in the sand dune.
The not-black raven is in the Spooky Part of the Woods, but you must talk to the trees if you want to find it.
The vampire bats are in the dank catacomb below Plato's Cave. One bat is in a chatty but mournful mood.
A vending machine made of bees is in the First Chamber of the ivory tower.
The Evil Demon is the big bad boss in the Final Chamber.
Individuals
The director is on the Village Street. His theatre was ordered closed by the priest. He also has a skull.
The priest is in the Church. He devoutly believes in the Invisible Pink Unicorn.
The bride is crying in the church. You won't learn her story until you comfort her in some way.
The server is in the café. You really like her. Shame the feeling is not at all mutual.
Jean-Paul Sartre is fashionably drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette, and explaining how nothing really matters.
The Buddhist monk and the lumberjack are in Fairytale Woods arguing if a falling tree makes a sound if no one hears it.
The Martyr is a woman tied to a stake in a not-so-burning pyre on the Hill. To save herself, she'd have to lie and confess that she's a zombie, and she refuses to do that as a matter of principle, even though the anti-zombie treatment is harmless to non-zombies.
The Zombiefinder General is a uniformed man on the Hill. It's his duty to find and kill zombies.
Your mother, wearing a French maid uniform, is inexplicably in the burning windmill. Rescue her!
The Archbishop of Cambray is also in the burning windmill.
The librarian is a gender-ambiguous youth in the Philosophy Library.
Karl Marx is writing out his manifesto by hand in the Philosophy Library.
Nagel is in the Bat Lab, obsessed with the question "What is it like to be a bat?"
Mary is in the Colour Lab. She claims to know everything about colours even though she's never experienced them.
Quine is running illegal logic games in the alleyway.
The barber is in his barbershop, but he's busy giving a haircut to a completely-bald client who is the present king of France.
The madman is carrying a lantern in the Square. Do you want to listen to his ravings?
The pirate and the steward are having an argument in the museum over which ship of two ships ought to be called the Theseus.
Achilles is a tall, handsome athlete wearing nothing but a toga at the beach.
Zeno is bearded philosopher on the beach, eager for you to race Achilles.
Plato and Socrates are drinking in the tavern. They're already both very drunk.
Aristotle also wants to drink in the tavern, but it has to be pre-phyllorexa claret or nothing.
Elizabeth Anscombe, Emma Goldman, Ayn Rand, and Judith Butler are sharing a table in the tavern away from the men.
A guard is on duty at the foot of the ivory tower.
Crowds
The crowd on the edge of the plain are trying to get a glimpse of the Invisible Pink Unicorn. They're wearing Unicornist badges.
The passers-by are wandering in and out from the Village Street.
The customers in the café are reading, drinking, smoking.
The sequiter of logicians (Boole, Whitehead, Gödel, Frege, Kripke, Turing) are also in the Alleyway.
The students are sprawled all over the grass in the Square.
The denizens of Plato's Cave are chained there, held both by a padlock and a lack of revolutionary zeal.
Cameos
A man briefly enters the church and enacts some pantomime in front of the tapestry before leaving.
The barman, in the description of the tavern's bar, is described as rather hunky.
Schrodinger and his cat can be heard via interactions with the north door of the research institute.
Many people are encountered briefly if you wander in the Moral Maze.
The museum guard that you meet in the past is revealed to be your own grandfather if you accidentally kill him.
Also numerous other characters are mentioned here and there, such as your fellow students and lecturers in the prologue, the tortoise who normally races Achilles, the people who are controlling the scarecrow with radio signals, the bride's intended groom and both their families, and so on.
Credits
From the response to ABOUT, choose the menu-item "3. Please tell me lots of information ABOUT your lovely game", then choose the following sub-menu-items:
About the Authors
Harry Giles pretends to be studying Philosophy, Anthropology and Sustainable Development (a branch of environmental and development studies) at the University of St Andrews. He does this work with some interest, but mainly so that the government will pay him money to have lots of free time, in which he acts in and directs plays, plays 'cello, harmonica and vox in a folk and blues band called Empty Casket (yes, they do have a Myspace), writes short stories and performs stand-up poetry. All this, however, is simply to distract from what he considers his proper job: being an unwashed pontificating social activist. He is a Director of the student campaigning network People & Planet, a member of the Anarchist Academics e-network, a Queeruption organiser, a fully trained-up officer of the Clandestine Insurgent Rebel Clown Army, and general member of the Awkward Squad. He divides his time between Orkney, St Andrews, Edinburgh, Glasgow and London, none of which he has a proper home in, and he will sell his body for food.
Joey Jones is currently reading Philosophy at the University of Reading. There he is President of the Philosophy Society, Treasurer of the Writers' Society, and Editor of the Arts and Books section in the University newspaper -- all positions which he accidentally fell into for being the only one to turn up. In between going to talks, writing short stories and penning reviews he also finds time to do a degree and play the harmonica at a folk night every other Monday. He is overly fond of hats, has a penchant for mad-cap adventures, and has been known to bury treasure and hide the corresponding maps in previous places of accommodation. Worst of all, he has a terrible second-hand book-buying habit that far outweighs his book-reading habit by a factor of about 80 books. He is creator of the Dangler! webcomic, has written two performed plays, and will compose light-hearted poetry after too much coffee.
We like it when you tell us how you liked the game. We like answering your questions. We really like it when you send in a bug report about something in the game that doesn't seem to work as it should. We just like hearing from you. Therefore, the authors can be contacted with questions, criticisms, bug reports, remixed versions of their game, abuse, and offers of sexual favours at redacted email.
Acknowledgements
Grateful thanks to:
Gary Jones, for introducing Giles to IF in the first place, and for assistance at the beginning, when it mattered most;
The creators of Inform 7 (www.inform-fiction.org), the natural language design system for interactive fiction, without whom the authors' meagre programming skills would never have allowed them to write a game like this;
The good people of philosophyforums.com, whose early advice and ideas spurred the game on from its original premise;
Jon Ingold, for the neat game menu, and Michael Martin, for the conversation system, and also for extended support to a fumbling programmer, who eventually will manage the tricky things he'd like to;
The IF community, whose support and good nature keep any first-time IF author on track;
The creators of the darkly gothic Goth-o-Matic poetry generator, whose work so deepened the bat's character;
To everyone we've plagiarised, parodied and referenced (we hope you liked it);
And, finally, all our beta-testers -- Denizen, David Fisher, Paul Knierim, Patrick Mullen, Rhodus, Paul Waak, Aaron Wilson -- whose work above and beyond the call of duty made this game playable.
Endings
Death by homunculus.
if you try to kill the scarecrow.
Death by unicorn
if you don't survive your ride on the unicorn.
Death by misplaced ethical principles, and several tonnes of burning windmill.
if you try to save the archbishop from inside the mill.
Death by Vending Machine Aviary.
if you try putting the one pound coin into the vending machine made of bees.
Death by Mammoth Posterior.
if you ride the time machine into the distant past.
Cosmocidal Death by Temporal Paradox
if you ride the time machine 50 years into the past while directly carrying the axe.
Death by Relocated Architecture.
if you ride the time machine 50 years into the future.
Death by Morloch
if you ride the time machine into the distant future.
Death by Mathematical Exactness
if you type 0 when the Turing Machine asks about a decimal of pi.
Death by Simulated Bliss
if you wear the helmet in the Experience Machine.
Death by Demonic Illusion or Death by Evil Demonic Illusion
if you're killed in the duel with the demon.
You have won
if you defeat the demon and wake up in your bedroom.
Also, if you take the axe when it's still in your sack 50 years into the past, you end up killing your own grandfather and wink out of existence -- except the game doesn't actually end and you're still in the Second Chamber. This should be the Cosmocidal Death by Temporal Paradox ending.
Inventory
You have a carrying capacity of 3 items — unless someone just hands stuff to you, then the carrying capacity is ignored.
CAUTION: Items with no description erroneously claim to be not be present when you try to examine them. This is very misleading and may make you think you're using the wrong words when your command is actually okay.
Containers
a sack. The player's hold-all in this game is sneakily disguised as the head of the scarecrow at Black Tarmac Road.
To get the sack, first try to go south, revealing the homunculi (one of which is named Anjeline). Now examine in turn, the scarecrow, Anjeline, and the aerial. Take or break the aerial to disable the homunculi. Now you can take the sack!
The sack can carry every other possible inventory item including the axe and the lit lantern!
Having the sack makes gameplay much easier, but it may be possible to play the whole game and win without it.
CAUTION: A bug with the museum items makes removing any of them from the sack impossible. Having the lead cube stuck in there is okay, but if the ruler or calculator is in the sack, you've likely made the game unwinnable.
a wallet. Get it in the café by talking to Sartre and getting him to admit that even money is meaningless, so he won't mind you taking his wallet.
Examine the wallet; you automatically take its contents (the coin and lighter), and discard the wallet itself.
a wooden box. You acquire it from the Martyr on the Hill after killing the Zombiefinder General with the axe.
DO NOT OPEN IT until you reach the Final Chamber. If you open it anywhere else, it contains a thing which is useless to you.
In the Final Chamber, open the box there to defeat the Evil Demon's illusions.
Keys
a Chinese key. It's in the desk drawer in the Chinese Room but only after you've learned the manual and examined the poster again.
The Chinese key unlocks the hatch in the ceiling. To reach the hatch, move the chair then stand on the chair.
You'll get to keep this key as a souvenir at the very end of the game.
a bunch of keys. Nagel in the Bat Lab gives them to you when you give the bat's autobiography to him.
The keys unlock the padlock in Plato's Cave.
CAUTION: The keys have no description.
a first key. In the First Chamber, put the fifty pence piece in the slot of the vending machine (made of bees), then take the first key from the tray.
Unlock the door in the First Chamber with the first key. You automatically ascend to the Second Chamber.
CAUTION: The door remains locked. If you drop the first key in the Second Chamber and go downstairs, you won't be able to get through the door again.
a second key. Use the time machine in the Second Chamber to get it.
Drop the axe if you have it then enter the machine. Turn the leftmost dial (so it points to minus) and turn the middle dial clockwise once (so it points to L). Then turn the rightmost dial to have a brief adventure in the past where you obtain the second key.
Unlock the door in the Second Chamber with the second key. You automatically ascend to the Third Chamber.
CAUTION: The second door also remains locked after you pass through it. Also the second key has no description.
a third key. To obtain it, enter the Turing machine in the Third Chamber and type in responses to its questions, making sure you type a digit other than zero in response to its question about a digit of pi.
Unlock the door in the Third Chamber with the third key. You automatically ascend to the Fourth Chamber.
CAUTION: The third door also remains locked after you pass through it. Also the third key has no description.
Readables
a manual. It's in the desk drawer in the Chinese Room.
Consult the manual about the cards, then push send. Do those two commands again and again and again. After the fourth "CORRECT!" response from the computer, you can now just LEARN MANUAL. Do so. Then examine the poster.
an Encyclopaedia of Qualia. Talk to the librarian in the library and ask for something colourful. After a few turns, the librarian returns to the counter with this tome.
You can't do anything useful with it, nor can you take it from the library. However, whenever the librarian is away getting the tome for you, you can mess with the ledger and inkwell on the counter; see blue banana.
cruise tickets for the Ship of Neurath and an informatitve leaflet. Get them by talking to Quine in the alleyway, successfully solving a logic puzzle, and choosing this prize.
Give the tickets and leaflet to the pirate in the museum. The seward offers you a choice of exhibits to take; choose the Categorical Imperativator (the lead cube).
a bat's autobiography. Get it by talking to the bats in the Dank Catacomb.
Give the autobiography to Nagel in the Bat Lab. He gives you a bunch of keys in exchange.
Plato's Complete Works. Aristotle, in the tavern, gives this to you when you give the bottle to him.
Put the Works in your sack immediately and don't let the other philosophers see it, or they might deface it.
Give the Works to the librarian in the library. They give you a banana in exchange.
a Communist Manifesto. Karl Marx, in the library, gives this to you when you give the laptop to him.
In Plato's Cave, after you've unlocked the padlock with the bunch of keys, give the manifesto to the people there. One of them drops a pair of earmuffs.
a newspaper. It's on the seat of the time machine in the Second Chamber.
a Burden of Proof. Get it by talking to the priest in the church, expressing your disbelief.
In the Village Street, talk to the director of the theatre until you agree to prove that the unicorn doesn't exist.
Go to the Wide Plains and listen; you'll jump at the right time and start riding the invisible pink unicorn. Hang the burden of proof on her horn. She'll spectactularily cease to exist.
Now that you've proved the unicorn doesn't exist, the priest is removed from the church. You also get a qualiascope when you next talk to the director on the Village Street.
For lulz, you can also burn the worthless prizes (such as the invitation or the file of Platonic forms that you can win in the Logician's Alleyway) with the lighter.
a fifty pence piece. The server in the café gives this to you as change after you give the one pound coin to her.
In the First Chamber, put the piece in the slot of the vending machine made of bees; the machine vends the first key.
a handkerchief. Your mother gives it to you outside the mill after you rescue her.
Give the hanky to the crying bride in the church. She discards her veil.
a bucket of pitch. Find it by searching the mill after it explodes.
Give the bucket to the raven in the Spooky Part of the Woods.
a tube of black paint. It's on the desk in the Colour Lab.
Give the black paint to the raven in the Spooky Part of the Woods.
a qualiascope. The theatre director gives this to you on the Village Street when you talk to him after you've proven that the invisible pink unicorn doesn't exist; see Burden of Proof.
Look through the scope at things; you sense the feelings of people, but normal things appear black and white.
Look through the scope at the zombiefinder on the Hill: his lack of qualia proves that he's a zombie!
the invitation to the state of naturist camp; later, a useless scrap of paper. You may obtain it by talking to Quine in the alleyway, successfully solving a logic puzzle, and choosing this prize.
Sorry, but the invitation is worthless. There is no naturist camp in this game. Perhaps you should play Nudists Gone Wild after you've finished this game?
Don't pick this prize. Choose the cruise tickets instead.
file of Platonic forms. You can choose this prize after winning a logic puzzle in the Logicians' Alleyway.
Don't pick this prize. Choose the cruise tickets instead.
NOTE: There are probably other useless prizes that I never chose or even saw.
a glass trophy. Get it on the beach by winning the footrace against Achilles.
To win the race, you must first examine the lanes then talk to Zeno to convince him to give you a headstart.
Fix the broken lantern by attaching the glass trophy to it.
a Categorical Imperativator. In the museum, choose this cube after giving the tickets and leaflet to the pirate.
CAUTION: DON'T DROP IT. It won't be listed in the room description and you won't be able to pick it up again.
CAUTION: DON'T PUT IT IN THE SACK. You can't remove it from the sack either!
If you're carrying the cube, you can go south from "Outside the Maze" directly to "At the Foot of an Ivory Tower", navigating the maze automatically.
NOTE: You only need the cube for the first trip through the maze. Afterwards, you don't need the cube anymore because you've memorized the route.
a Utility Calculator and a Golden Mean Ruler. In the museum, you can choose to take one of these items after giving the tickets and leaflet to the pirate.
CAUTION: DON'T DROP THEM. Museum items aren't listed in room descriptions and you won't be able to pick them up again.
CAUTION: DON'T PUT THEM IN THE SACK. You can't remove museum items from the sack either!
You don't want either the calculator or the ruler. Choose the Categorical Imperativator, the lead cube, instead. If you did pick one of these, go back to the musuem, give the item back to the seward, and choose again.
a phial of black dye, a phial of red dye, and a phial of white dye. All three are on the stand in the barbershop.
You can only take one phial at a time; you must return a phial if you want a different one.
Take the black dye to the raven in the Spooky Part of the Woods. Ignore the red and white dyes.
a broken lantern; a modified lantern; a lit lantern. The lantern is carried by the madman in the Square.
To obtain the lantern, talk to the madman and repeatedly listen patiently to his entire spiel. At the end of his rantings, he throws away his lantern, breaking it and walk away. Take the broken lantern.
Fix the lantern by attaching the glass trophy to it.
Take the lit lantern into Plato's Cave and Dank Catacomb so you can see there. It's okay to put the lit lantern into the sack. There isn't any way to extinguish the lit lantern, so don't worry about that.
CAUTION: The lit lantern has no description.
a veil. Get it in the church; the bride discards it when you give the hanky to her.
The veil is a veil of ignorance. You cannot wear it.
At the foot of the Ivory Tower, throw the veil at the guard. The now ignorant guard forgets she's a guard and lets you continue up into the tower.
some eggs. They're in the nest in the sand dune, but you must first go to the beach and examine the dunes and birds to find the spot.
In the café, give the eggs to the server after you've given the one pound coin to her; she gives you a bottle.
a bottle; a bottle of pre-phyllorexa claret. The server in the café gives the bottle to you when you give the eggs to her.
Examine the bottle to learn what type of wine it is.
In the tavern, after you've talked to Aristotle and learned that he wants this specific type of wine, give the bottle to him. In exchange, he gives you a pristine copy of Plato's Complete Works.
a banana; a blue banana. You get a banana from the librarian when you give them a clean copy of Plato's Complete Works.
Next, talk to the librarian and ask to borrow the Encyclopaedia. While they are distracted, put the banana in the inkwell to dye it blue.
In the Colour Lab, give the blue banana to Mary.
a laptop. It's on the desk in the Colour Lab.
Take the laptop after you give the blue banana to Mary and she's fainted.
In the library, give the laptop to Karl Marx. He prints you a copy of his manifesto.
a pair of earmuffs. The people in Plato's Cave are wearing earmuffs, but they don't know that,
Unlock the padlock with the keys then give the manifesto to the people. Someone discards their earmuffs as they leave.
In the Fairytale Woods, give the earmuffs to either the monk or to the lumberjack; you obtain the lumberjack's axe.
an axe. The lumberjack in the Fairytale Woods carries it. Give the earmuffs to either the monk or the lumberjack there to get the axe.
On the Hill, after talking to the general to get the zombie-killing mission, and after looking through the qualiascope at the general to prove that he is a zombie, kill the general with the axe.
Make sure that you do not have the axe with you at all when using the time machine; otherwise, you may accidentally kill your own grandfather with it!
a thing. It's what's inside the wooden box if you open it anywhere except the Final Chamber.
As far as I can tell, it's the notion of thingness, reality itself, but as an actual tangible thing, it's worthless to you. Instead, only open the wooden box in the Final Chamber during the battle with the Evil Demon, so reality can vanquish the illusion.
Score
This is the response to SCORE:
You have scored your-score out of a possible 100 in several turns. Jolly well done.
Points are awarded as follows:
5 points for escaping from the Chinese Room.
2 points for disabling the scarecrow.
3 points for winning the race against Achilles.
2 points for getting Sartre's wallet.
2 points for getting the fifty pence piece from the server.
5 points for proving the invisible pink unicorn doesn't exist.
5 points for giving the bottle of claret to Aristotle, getting an unblemished copy of Plato's Works in return.
2 points for winning cruise tickets.
2 points for listening patiently to the madman's entire spiel.
5 points for showing a blue banana to Mary.
3 points for giving a laptop printer to Karl Marx, getting a copy of his manifesto in return.
2 points for rescuing your mother from the burning windmill.
5 points for giving three black goops to the raven, getting the brambles moved away from the cave entrance in return.
3 points for lighting the modified lantern.
2 points for getting the bat's book.
3 points for giving the bat's book to Nagel.
5 points for giving the manifesto to the people in the cave, motivating them to cast off their chains.
5 points for giving earmuffs to the monk and lumberjack.
5 points for killing a zombie.
2 points for hearing the bride's story.
3 points for giving the pirate's ship a new name.
3 points for successfully traversing the maze.
2 points for convincing the tower guard to let you go inside.
3 points for getting the first key.
3 points for getting the second key.
3 points for getting the third key.
5 points for opening the door in the Fourth Chamber.
10 points for defeating the Evil Demon and waking up.
