In this comedic espionage game, you play as Agent Arthur Yahtzee of the Special Secret Service. Your mission is to stop the most evil and sadistic human in the multiverse, Doctor Diablo, from ever using Hell's Cheesecake to return to his home dimension.
This solution is by David Welbourn, and is based on Release 1 of the game.
SPOILERS AHEAD. Reading a walkthrough prematurely can sometimes diminish one's enjoyment of an interactive fiction game. Please make an honest effort to play the game before reading this walkthrough.
Note: If you're recrossing the river, show the golden ticket to the ferryman instead of giving the token.
Temple of Hell's Cheesecake
Check out your stuff before taking the cake.
> x me. i. x dogtags.(has your name on them)
> x watch. open watch.(has two pills)
> x suicide. x knockout. close watch.
> x pen. x torch.
> x cheesecake. x podium.
> take cake.(+5)
Ealing Road, Brentford
> x Diablo.
> eat cake.(+10. You are now on...)
Cloud 9; Cloud 10; More bloody clouds
> n. e. n.
Really big cloud
> x queue. e.(can't: "Wait your turn!")
> enter queue.
> x man.
> man, hi.(He ignores you.)
> z.(Continue to wait until the man drops a hanky.)
Note: You only have a limited amount of time to interact with the hanky. If the queue shuffles forward, you'll have to wait again until the man drops another hanky.
> x hanky. burn hanky.(+10. You proceed to...)
Front of queue
The clerk asks, "Name?"
> show dogtags to clerk.(+5)
The clerk asks, "How did you get up here?"
> show cake to clerk.(+10)
He takes you to God who gives you a season ticket and tells you to return the cheesecake to its rightful owner.
He also says to go prepared, so perhaps you shouldn't board the train right away.
> x ticket.(Free travel to and from Hell indefinitely.)
Square (northwest corner)
Square (southwest corner)
Bottom of stairwell
Top of stairwell
Northern end of hallway
> x tag.("Please clean the room")
> open door.(stuck)
> take tag.
Southern end of hallway
> open door.(locked)
> put tag on door.(+5; the door unlocks itself)
> open door. e.
> x bed. look under bed.
> x pillow. open pillow. x key. take it.(+5)
> x stuffing.
> w. n. e. d. w. n. e. e.
The 'Chuckling Cherub' comedy club
> x stage. x seat.
> sit on seat.(Jesus arrives and begins a comedy act.)
> x Jesus. laugh.(+5; you get something.)
> i. x coupon.
> stand. e.
Bar in the 'Chuckling Cherub'
> x barman. x bar.(no drinks?)
> ask barman about ANYTHING.(disinterested in chat)
> give coupon to barman.(+5; you get a bottle)
> x bottle.
> w. w. n.
Square (northeast corner)
> x gate. open gate.(locked)
> unlock gate with key. open gate. n.
Garden of Eden
> x bench. x newspaper. take it.
> open newspaper.(+10. Something falls out.)
> look. take token. x it.
> s. w. n. n.
> x train. x conductor.
> show ticket to conductor.(You take the train to...)
West bank of river
> x river. x jetty. x bell.
> enter jetty.(doesn't look safe)
> ring bell. z. z. z.(+5. A boat arrives.)
> x boat. enter boat.
> x ferryman.
> show token to ferryman.(+10. You arrive at...)
East bank of river
CAUTION: Don't open the bottle.
> x message. x Cerberus. x bowl. take it.
> open watch. take knockout.
> put bottle in bowl. put knockout in bowl.
Giving the bowl directly to the dog doesn't work, but this does:
> drop bowl. push bowl.(+5)
> x dog. e.
Edge of pit
> x sign.("Hell This Way. NO LIVING PEOPLE PLEASE!")
> x pit. enter pit.(You're rejected.)
> take pill. eat pill. enter pit.(+10)
> i.(Only have cheesecake and golden ticket now.)
Another little slice o' Hell
> x helmet. take it.
> s. s.
> x Satan. give cake to Satan.(He tells you to go away.)
Perhaps you need a new look:
> wear helmet.
> give cake to Satan.(He tells you to put it in the Cracks of Gehenna.)
> n. e.
Cracks of Gehenna
> x lava.
> put cake in lava.(+5. It's gone.)
> w. s.
> tell Satan about cake —or— tell Satan about Gehenna.(+10)
In return for destroying his wife's cheesecake, Satan returns you to life, albeit in the middle of the Sahara desert.
*** You have won ***
Several Special Secret Service agents appear in the prologue, including Agent Llewellyn, Agent Arthur Yahtzee, Agent Chris Garrison, Agent Robert Pemberton, and Agent Kastanet. Arthur Yahtzee is, of course, the protagonist of this story.
Doctor Diablo is an evil sadist from another dimension who wants to destroy humanity everywhere in the multiverse. He and his soldiers surround you when you leave the temple.
Thousands of people are standing in a queue, waiting to get into Heaven. The man in front of you keeps blowing his nose and dropping his used hankies.
The ticket clerk at the front of the queue asks you a couple questions.
God gives you a golden ticket and advises you to return the cheesecake to its rightful owner.
Cherubs escort you from God's office.
Shadowy figures are the audience in the comedy club.
Jesus, the Son of God, attempts a stand-up comedy act in the club, but his pitiful jokes fail to rouse the audience at all.
The Divine Furies kill you if you dare BOO or HECKLE Jesus.
The barman is an angel in a white suit. He's bored, but totally disinterested in conversation.
Birds and butterflies are seen in the Garden of Eden.
The conductor is a fat angel on Platform 9.
Two demons escort the train passengers out, but they leave you alone.
The ferryman appears to be a skeleton in a black robe.
Cerberus is a three-headed wolfhound tethered to the wall of the guard chamber.
Satan is sitting on his throne, not doing anything.
Mortal souls flow past you in the river of lava in the Cracks of Gehenna
Mrs. Satan baked the cheesecake for their 5000th wedding anniversary.
There are other Special Secret Service groups in other universes.
Alan Titchmarsh and Charlie Dimmock are refered to when you enter the Garden of Eden.
Judas is mentioned on the rusty metal bench.
The work experience boy vanquishes Doctor Diablo once and for all if you eat either pill for no good reason.
You have died
if you give the cheesecake to Doctor Diablo as he demands.
if you just stand and do nothing for four turns on Ealing Road.
if you eat the knockout pill.
if you eat the suicide pill; it takes a few turns to actually kill you.
if you BOO or HECKLE Jesus.
if you open the bottle of ambrosia.
You have won
if you destroy the cheesecake in the lava river, then tell Satan about it.
Items are listed in the order you acquire them (or can acquire them) in this walkthrough.
your standard issue SSS dogtags. You're wearing them.
At the front of queue, when the ticket clerk asks for your name, answer by showing the dogtags to the clerk.
your standard issue SSS wristwatch. You're wearing it.