In this escape game intended to be a parody of the genre, you play as someone with amnesia who wakes up in a unfamiliar basement or bomb shelter. Your head is pounding from a massive headache. The steel door in the north wall is locked and has heavy wooden boards nailed across it to emphasize the point. How will you escape and regain your memories?
This solution is by David Welbourn, and is based on Release 1 of the game.
SPOILERS AHEAD. Reading a walkthrough prematurely can sometimes diminish one's enjoyment of an interactive fiction game. Please make an honest effort to play the game before reading this walkthrough.
I suggest you cure that headache right away, then explore every location thoroughly.
> w. open door. w.
Bathroom
> open cabinet. eat aspirin.(Your headache is half-gone.)
> eat aspirin.(Your headache is gone.)
> x aspirin. x band-aids. take it.
> x mirror. x towel-rod. x towel. take it.
> x toilet. x sink. x faucet. x rust.
> x ceiling. x lamp. x floor. x wall. x door.
> e.
West Wall
> x red box.(Has hammer inside.)
It doesn't matter which order you peel the cans of beans. You won't find the winning can until you've peeled eleven of them.
> open beans. x cans.
> x first can. peel it.
> peel second. peel third. peel fourth.
> peel fifth. peel sixth. peel seventh.
> peel eighth. peel ninth. peel tenth.
> peel eleventh.(You find a scrap of paper.)
> peel twelfth.(+1)
> take scrap. x it.(Coupon for a free crow.)
> open not-beans.
> x chips. take chips.
> x fish. eat fish.(+1)
> n.
North Wall
> x door. x boards. x TV.
> turn on TV. x TV.(+1)
> turn off TV. x outlet.(Only one socket.)
> e.
East Wall
CAUTION: If you want full points, please don't open the photograph's frame right away.
> x desk. open drawer.(locked)
> x tape. take it.
> x fan. take it. x cover. x clip.
> x photograph. take it. x frame.
> x portrait. take it.(A painting of a safe is revealed.)
> drop it.
> x painting. take it.(A real safe is revealed.)
> drop it.
> x safe.(Dial can be spun to a 4-digit number.)
> s.
South Wall
> x cot. x pillow.(You find a fire extinguisher.)
> x pillow. x extinguisher.
> x window. x bars.
> w.
West Wall
> break red box with fire. take hammer. x it.
> w.
Bathroom
While the photo is still in its frame:
> put photo on rod. x mirror.(+1)
Okay, now you can remove the photo:
> take photo. open frame.(You acquire the photo, but the frame is now jammed shut.)
> x frame.(You see your face reflected in the glass.)
> put frame on rod. x mirror.(You see the back of your shirt.)
> remove shirt. x mirror.(You have a back tattoo of a randomized 4-digit number. Remember it!)
> wear shirt.
> e. e.
East Wall
> spin dial to TATTOO-NUMBER.(Safe opens.)
> take all from safe.
> x right half.(For a free bar.)
> x leaflet.(+1. Ad for Kingdom of Loathing.)
> drop leaflet, photo.
> tape left half to right half.
> x coupon.(For a free crowbar via mail or carrier pigeon.)
> take desk.
> s.
South Wall
> put desk on cot. stand on desk.
> x window.(You can now reach it, but not see out of it.)
While standing on the desk on the cot:
> put chips in window.(The crumbs are now on the windowsill; the bag is gone.)
> z. z. z. z. z.(Repeat waiting until a pigeon arrives to peck at the crumbs.)
You cannot GIVE the coupon to the pigeon. You need another method:
> take pigeon. tape coupon to pigeon.
> put pigeon in window.
> stand. stand.
To make several weeks pass, you must knock yourself out:
> hit me with hammer.
It is now weeks later and you have another headache.
> eat aspirin.(You go to the bathroom for water.)
Bathroom
> g.(Your 2nd headache is gone.)
Actually, eat all the aspirin.
> g.("one more won't hurt you")
> g. g. g. g. g.("Oog.")
> g. g. g. g. g.("Maybe you should stop")
> g. g. g. g. g.(You retch into the toilet: "clink".)
> x toilet. take steel key.
> eat aspirin. g. g. g. g.
> g. g. g. g. g.
> g. g. g. g. g.
> g. g. g. g. g.
> g. g. g. g. g.
> g. g. g. g. g.(You retch again: "clank".)
> x toilet. x egg. take it.(+1)
> open egg.(can't)
> e. s.
South Wall
> x pigeon. x crowbar.
> take crowbar.(You untie it and take the pigeon too.)
> pry drawer with crowbar. x brass key. take it.
> close drawer. lock it with brass key.
> unlock it with brass key.(+1)
> w.
West Wall
> hit beans crate with crowbar.(+1; you smash both crates)
> x fragments.
> n.
North Wall
> pry boards with crowbar.
> unplug TV. plug in fan. open cover.
> turn on fan.
> touch blades.(You slice off a hand!)
> open box.(You use every hand-aid and toss the box away.)
> x stump. x hand. x fan. x wrappers.
> take hand. tape hand to stump.(+1)
> plug in TV.(can't: the outlet is shorted out.)
> s.
South Wall
I'm assuming the desk is still on the cot.
> stand on desk.
> put dead pigeon in window.(You do this.)
> put hand in window.(You hear a moaning and wailing outside.)
> stand. stand. n.
North Wall
> xyzzy.(+1)
> guess the verb.(+1)
> unlock door with steel key.
> open door.
You are captured by zombies and you suddenly get all your memories back. Then they eat you.
*** You have won ***
> amusing(then select the Hints menu-item)
Extras
Amusing
This is the Hints menu-item accessed vis AMUSING after you've won the game:
Hints
Have you tried...
watching tv?
saying the magic word?
becoming the master of unlocking?
finding the easter-egg?
home surgery?
being courted by blatant advertising?
unnecessary peeling?
eating the red herring?
hanging out with your mom?
forgetting about Freeman?
guessing the verb?
Characters
A pigeon can help you out by bringing you a crowbar.
Some zombies are waiting for you outside your shelter.
Credits
From a menu-item accessed via the ABOUT command:
Introduction to Another Goddamn Escape the Locked Room Game
This game is basically my reaction to the "Locked Room" Flash games that have become very popular, even though they're almost universally ridiculous -- complete lack of plot, three-pixel-wide hotspots... don't even get me started on the puzzles. Who the heck builds an elaborate combination-locked secret panel underneath their bookshelf for the sole purpose of hiding a screwdriver? I mean, maybe if it were a solid gold screwdriver studded with diamonds, I could see it, but it never is.
Anyway, I designed a satirical version of one of these games, and possibly it will be coded into Flash someday, but in the meantime I needed something to program while learning Inform 7. And then I heard that the IFComp was coming up, so I figured, why not?
So you see, if the puzzles in this game don't make any sense, or the plot is pathetically thin, or perfectly sensible things you try prove impossible, that's on purpose. It's satire! ^_^
Thanks to my beta-testers from Kingdom of Loathing's /dev team (Jick, megrimlock, Marshall, Zair, Werebear, Fnord7, and if I missed anybody you know I still love ya <3), as well as the folks at r.a.i-f for answering my many newb questions.
Enjoy!
p.s. It is impossible to put the game in an unwinnable situation (I hope), but there are two ways to die, or three if you count the bad ending. Well, call it four.
Endings
You have bled to death.
if you don't open the box of band-aids soon after cutting off your hand.
You have died
if you open the steel door without putting your severed hand in the window first. Something hits the back of your head and you never learn what was happening.
You have won
if you open the steel door after putting your severed hand in the window.
Inventory
North Wall items
some heavy wooden boards. They're nailed across the steel door in the North Wall.
Pry the boards with the crowbar to free them. You can ignore the boards afterwards; you can't build anything with them.
a severed hand. If you plug the fan into the outlet at North Wall, open its mesh cover, turn the fan on, then touch the spinning blades, you'll cut your own hand off!
At South Wall, put the hand in the window. Yes, you need to stand on the desk on top of the cot to reach the window. The hand will attract the zombies outside, and you can now win the game when you open the steel door at North Wall.
a massive pile of band-aid wrappers. After using up all the bandages in the box of band-aids, you're left with all these wrappers.
You don't need the wrappers.
South Wall items
a pillow. It's on the cot at South Wall.
Examine the pillow to acquire the fire extinguisher that's inside the (just in) case.
a fire extinguisher. Acquire it by examining the pillow.
At West Wall, break the red box with the extinguisher. Now you can take the hammer.
a pigeon. It arrives on the windowsill a few turns after putting the bag of corn chips in the window; see desk about reaching the window.
Take the pigeon, tape the coupon to the pigeon (using the roll of tape), then put the pigeon in the window to send it on its way.
a dead pigeon. It's at South Wall after sending the first pigeon off with the coupon taped to it, then knocking yourself out for weeks with the hammer. The dead pigeon is tied to the crowbar.
Untie the dead pigeon from the crowbar (or vice-versa).
Feel free to put the dead pigeon in the window. Or not.
a crowbar. It's at South Wall after sending the first pigeon off with the coupon taped to it, then knocking yourself out for weeks with the hammer. The crowbar is tied to the dead pigeon.
Untie the dead pigeon from the crowbar (or vice-versa).
Pry the desk drawer with the crowbar to open it.
At West Wall, hit one of the crates with the crowbar to smash both crates into fragments and earn a point.
Try to tape your severed hand to your stump. You won't succeed, but you will get a point for trying it.
a photograph. It's on the desk at East Wall.
Examine it; it's someone's mom.
In the bathroom, put the photograph (while still in its frame) on the towel-rod then examine the mirror to gain a point for "hanging out with your mom".
Open the frame to get the photograph itself. The empty frame jams closed, but it's more useful to you now.
a frame. It's part of the photograph at East Wall.
Open the frame to remove the photograph from it. The empty frame with just its glass acts like a mirror.
In the bathroom, put the empty frame on the towel-rod then examine the mirror to see the back of your shirt. Or, if you take your shirt off, you'll see a tattoo on your back.
an electric fan. It's on the desk at East Wall.
Examine it: it has sharp blades, a mesh cover, and a clip to hold the cover closed.
Take it to North Wall where there's an outlet. Unplug the television, then plug in the fan. Open the mesh cover, turn on the fan, then touch the blades. The fan cuts your hand off and you're now bleeding to death from a stump!
The blood-soaked electric fan slices its own cord before dying, and the outlet is shorted out so you can't use the television again either.
a portrait. It's hanging on the East Wall.
Examine it; it's of a guy you don't recognize.
Take it and drop it. A painting of a safe is revealed.
a painting. It's hanging on the East Wall underneath the portrait.
Take it and drop it; there's a real locked safe underneath.
the right half of a coupon. It's in the safe at East Wall. Spin the dial to the number seen on your tattoo to open the safe.
Examine it; it seems to be a coupon for a free bar.
a leaflet. It's in the safe at East Wall. Spin the dial to the number seen on your tattoo to open the safe.
Read it for a point. It's an ad for Kingdom of Loathing, an online game.
a small brass key. It's inside the locked desk drawer. Pry the drawer with the crowbar to pop it open.
The brass key unlocks the drawer. Close, lock, and unlock the drawer to earn a point.
West Wall items
a ball-peen hammer. It's inside the red box mounted on the West Wall. Break the red box with the fire extinguisher to access it.
After putting the pigeon with a coupon taped to its leg into the window, hit yourself with the hammer to knock yourself out for several weeks (and to give yourself another headache). Also, when you wake up, a dead pigeon with a crowbar tied to it is now at South Wall.
12 cans of beans. They're in the crate of beans at West Wall.
Refer to the individual cans with "first can", "second can", etc. up to "twelfth can".
Peel all the cans for a point. When you've peeled eleven cans, a scrap of paper falls out. The scrap is the left half of a coupon.
Alas, you can never open a can or eat any beans. There's no can opener anywhere.
the left half of a coupon. Find it by peeling 11 cans of beans.
Examine it; it seems to be a coupon for a free crow.
a bag of corn chips. It's in the crate of not-beans at West Wall.
After putting the desk on the cot at South Wall, stand on the desk and put the chips in the window. A few turns later, a pigeon will arrive to eat the crumbs on the windowsill.
a bag of swedish fish. It's in the crate of not-beans at West Wall.
Eat a fish for a point.
Bathroom items
a bottle of aspirin. It's in the bathroom's medicine cabinet.
You'll always eat any aspirin in the bathroom so you can swallow it with water.
Eat two more aspirin to get rid of your second headache.
Eat a total of 20 aspirin to vomit up a steel key into the toilet.
Eat all 50 aspirin to vomit up a jewelled egg into the toilet.
a box of band-aids. It's in the bathroom's medicine cabinet.
If you cut your hand off, open the box of band-aids. You'll use every band-aid in the box to stop your stump from bleeding, and you'll also get a massive pile of band-aid wrappers.
a towel. It's on the towel-rod in the bathroom.
You don't need the towel for anything.
a shirt. You're wearing it from the start, but it's not mentioned until you examine the bathroom mirror while the empty frame is on the towel-rod.
Remove your shirt, and re-examine the bathroom mirror while the empty frame is on the towel-rod to see a tattoo on your back.
Up to you if you want to put your shirt back on or not.
a steel key. Find it in the toilet after eating 20 aspirin.
It unlocks the heavy steel door in the North Wall.
a jewelled egg. Find it in the toilet after eating 50 aspirin.
Take it to get a point. This may be the same egg from Zork I. Alas, you can't open it.
Honorable mention
a headache. You have it when the game begins.
Eat two aspirin to fully cure yourself of your headache.
You'll get another headache (and be unconscious for weeks) if you hit yourself with the hammer. Eat two more aspirin to cure this headache too.
a tattoo. It's on your back.
To see your tattoo, put the empty frame on the towel-rod, remove your shirt, and examine the mirror.
The tattoo is a randomized four-digit number. At East Wall, spin the dial of the safe (hiding under the painting of a safe) to this number to open it.
a stump. Acquire it by touching the moving blades of the electric fan.
Open the box of band-aids to apply them all to your bleeding stump. If you fail to use the band-aids soon enough, you will bleed to death.
You have so far scored your-score out of a possible 11, in several turns.
Points are awarded as follows:
1 point for examining the television when it's on.
1 point for examining the mirror while the framed photograph of your mother is hanging from the towel-rod.
1 point for examining the leaflet.
1 point for peeling all twelve cans of beans.
1 point for eating a gummy fish.
1 point for acquiring a jewelled egg.
1 point for hitting a crate with the crowbar.
1 point for unlocking the drawer with the brass key.
1 point for attempting to tape your severed hand to your stump.
1 point for XYZZY.
1 point for GUESS THE VERB.
See also this menu-item accessed via ABOUT:
About Points
Unlike most IF games that include points, points are awarded in this game, not for solving puzzles or advancing the plot, but for finding some of the silly comments and easter-eggs I've included here and there -- the sort of stuff that you would normally find in the AMUSING list at the end of the game. Hints on where to find them all will be available once you've beaten the game.
Thank You to my Patreon supporters
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