You know, the more I hear some people talk, the more I think vocal cords are a bad idea. An evolutionary mistake. Sometimes I envy animals.
Let's face it, the vast majority of what is said is just the most useless, vacuum-brained chatter, even in so-called academic circles. Especially in academic circles. In a world where the favourite topics of conversation are the dreary love-lives of fictional people, the fictional love-lives of dreary people, and blow-by-blow accounts of the previous night's alcohol consumption, it is not difficult to come to the conclusion that 95% of all human conversation would be better left unsaid.
So how do we overcome this problem? How do we filter out the crap, and ensure that only interesting or necessary conversation remains? I propose a system based on simple evolutionary ideals. If we look at the two main purposes of natural organisms - survival and procreation - this gives us two basic statements: "I'm hungry" and "I'm horny", respectively. These statements and their variants would form the core of the New Conversation.
Whereas the Core Conversation would be sufficient to ensure the survival and continued existence of our species, it would not do much to advance or evolve it. Therefore, we need a Supplemental Conversation, consisting of ideas, knowledge, wit - in short, anything that enlightens, stimulates or entertains.
Of course, the New Conversation will leave a lot of people with very little to say. In particular, the entire staff of Shaws' Department Store, Waterford, will be struck completely dumb. But nevertheless I think you will agree that there are a number of important advantages to this scheme.
Firstly, it eliminates so much noise pollution. Think of the pleasure of walking down a busy street without having to listen to that annoying babble of voices. Think of the pleasure of sitting in a park in quiet contentment, with no unruly children or moronic yobs to disturb you. Think of the pleasure of walking past the college cleaning-ladies, safe in the knowledge that they will never open their mouths and trap you in another dead-end conversation.
Secondly, it will allow people to get to know each other much better. Conventional conversation obscures people behind a smokescreen of mindless chatter. Is it ever possible to really know someone who speaks only in smalltalk and cliches? The New Conversation will do away with all that in one fell swoop. It will allow people to bare their souls. No longer will people have to put up with the chores of tedious smalltalk and gossip when they meet. They can now tap into each other's minds instantly.
Thirdly, it will do away will all deceit and bullshit. People will no longer be able to lie or boast or make false claims. They will be judged by their actions rather than their words. People will have to pay more attention to things like gestures, moods and facial expression. They will thus be able to acheive more empathy with each other, undistracted by extraneous waffle.
And finally, everyone will be beautiful. Interesting people will be able to share their interesting thoughts. Uninteresting people will not be able to inflict their dullness on anyone else, and will consequently appear much more interesting. This new-found taciturnity will give everyone an added depth. Everyone will seem more beautiful.
The New Conversation may seem like an impossible dream, but with your help it need not be so. Make the New Conversation a reality in your life by following these simple steps:
Yes, just by following this simple five-point plan, you will make one of the most important steps in your life - the step towards a New Conversation.